Today ..

Is the next to the last day with the children I've been with for a year. Ack! We are having two days of parties and fun!!
I went to my therapy last night and we talked about approval of one another blah blah. I don't need people's approval. Then we talked about being a perfectionist and how I may not fit into the approval seeking area but definately into the "World should be perfect and if it's not, I'll make it that way" area. I never thought of myself as a perfectionist but when I think about it, I do try to make everything out to be "the way it should be" Should is a word I am not supposed to using because it raises my anxiety. I basically see everyone as "Good" . When they do bad things, it throws me off because that is not the way It should be..ahh that word again. Like I should be a mother now because it's been three and a half years!! So now I'm dealing with the fact that I'm not supposed to be a perfectionist and if I want to feel better, I can't be that way anymore. I just learned this last night. Well...I can't change over night.
In work news, I just found out who my new assistants are going to be this year. One is a woman of 37 who has worked with children for over 10 years..she is so great with them and the other is about 21 and had expierence in a center working with infants, but she's very nice. I think this year will go well. I will have the pleasure of yet again working 830-530 mon - fri. Yay. I really want her to change my hours, but she won't. She keeps saying all lead teachers must work those hours. Well out of nine, only four actually do. Funny. Well I'm goin to be late for work.
In dieting news, writing down what I eat..not happening. I tried, didn't work. I've lost another pound though, making the total 13!! Yay.
Anyone reading...Have a wonderful day!!!!

Weekends can destroy your diet...

This weekend was a very fullfilling one :). It's not that I ate a lot but I did. We went to a buffet last night and ate beef, chicken, pork and fruit along with rice, black beans and salad. Today I had an omelet w/ 2 eggs, cheese and canadian bacon and for lunch I had half of a pulled pork sandwich. For dinner I had roast with potatos and string beans. For snack I had a tablespoon of peanut butter, a banana and a glass of milk. There's my diet info. In case your wondering, I posted before that they say if you write down what you eat, you'll eat less. I'm testing it out.
Monday marks the last week with my kids. I've been with these children since Sept 5th. I'm going to miss them. It's been nice watching them grow and learn. I was able to potty train most of them. They were a really good class. Individually they were a handful but as a class they were cooperative and easy going. My new class is coming in next Tuesday and I can only hope for the best.
This will be my third year as a lead teacher in the Toddler Program and I think I'm learning a lot from them. I felt the first year was chaos because I had never lead a Toddler Program before so the year was not a good one. Lots of headaches and time outs. However, I did learn and I used what I learned to lead a very successful year. Now I can take what I learned from the last two years, apply what works and what stop what didn't and this year can only be better.
I went into the tinytot rooms to view my future kids and they seem to be good kids. But every teacher disagrees with the way the other does things. I listen to their present teachers complain about this one or that one and I ignore it because I do things differently and they might act differently for me, therefore, I don't get a preconcieved idea of how they are going to act.
On the fertility, or lack there of, side of things, I'm still waiting for Oct 10th to come along. Not much to update on. It's going to be a long wait.

I have a goal...

I know this is my infertility blog but I'm on a break so I need something else to talk about. Okay. My goal is to lose 15 pounds before my stim meds start on October 20th. I will still be overweight, but how much can an person lose in two months. So I'm shooting for 15 pounds. I always heard if you write down what you eat, you won't eat as much. So we are going to try that. Although I don't eat much now and have already lost 12 pounds since feb/mar. So it will be 27 pounds lost in Oct and that's not to bad, I think. I did start weight watchers but I didn't finish it.
On a different note, My neighbor, who lives across the street, has an adorable little girl. I watch them from my office desk go in and out of their home. Sound creepy? It probably is. I'm so jealous sometimes. I don't mean to sin (the jealousy, not the stalkerish thing) but she has an adorable daughter, a cute dog, just moved into a nice, new, just built home and a nice husband. ( I like my husband just fine, I just had to add that in) and she gets to be a stay at home mom. She basically just takes her to the park (down the road) and goes shopping, walks the dog, etc.. Why can't I have that???
Well, that brings me to my next thought. "Life's Not Fair". My therapist made me say that to make myself believe it. For one..YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL A PERSON GOING THROUGH INFERTILITY that LIFES NOT FAIR. Trust me. We know. I tried to explain that to her but she kept saying "You need to let yourself know that lifes not fair and except it." How do you except that the drug addicted 16 year old homeless person can get pregnant and not myself. I know that good things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people, bad people get bad things and good people get good things. I know the world doesn't owe me a baby but it would be nice to have the ability to chose to have one and chose when and around the part of the year. Not due 9 months from whenever they put the embryo's back in.
Well I guess I should end this....for breakfast I had 1 cup of grapes, a banana and ACK! half a donut. In my defense they were there but I only ate half. Tonight is not looking good. We are going to the brazillion bbq. Where they feed you endlessly for 30$ Good thing my stomach doesn't hold that much.

Life...

Is to frustrating. And it's not fair. So I've been seeing this therapist who tells me that 'life's not fair'. I laughed. You don't really need to say that to someone going through infertility. We know. We see it everyday. She also said that just because we are good people, doesn't mean we deserve good things. Yeah...I know that too. WE all know the kind of people that good things happen too. I mean good things happen to me, as well, but bad things happen as well. Things I feel I don't deserve. Today was a good day. I was happy and jolly and talked a lot. I hope tomorrow is a another good day. I don't like the dark days where I want to cry a lot and scream and not talk to anybody. On a great note, I've lost 12 pounds since my first post. I know it's not much but's a lot for me.

Another Day!

Today was a pretty relaxing day. I didn't do much. A little cleaning, a little reading. Still having to do those awful breathing treatments. I hope they end soon. Tonight I went out to dinner with my hubby and I kept coughing. People were looking at me like I had some contagious disease. Don't they know it's rude to stare?
I'm very excited because we are going on vacation in three days! Going home to Missouri to spend a week and half doing whatever we wish. I hope to see the Titanic Museum in Branson and hiking through Ha Ha Tanka. I also can't wait to see my family. It's been so long.
When we get home, we start our IVF cycle. I really really hope it works. I want to be a mommy so bad. My hubby and I have been married for almost 4 years and I think it's time to add on to our family. Dealing with this infertility has been extremely hard for us but I see an end and it's beautiful!

My first blog! Yay!

So today is my first blog. Actually it's tonite. I will start by introducing myself for anyone may lurk, feel free to leave comments. My name is Tina and I was married on August 2, 2003. I have a wonderful husband. We have be trying to have a baby since April of 2004 with no luck. I'm actually starting IVF soon. I just found out today that meds that weren't supposed to be covered, are being covered. So basically i'm saving like 4000 dollars. That's a new wardrobe! They are mostly injectable medications that go either in my stomach, ACK! or better yet, in my butt! I'm looking foward to it though. Hopefully it will work and I will be blessed by God with the perfect gift. I do believe that God makes all things possible and without him, there would be nothing. We are going on vacation soon. Going to Missouri. My home! I can't wait to see my family. It's been a long year and I can't wait. I am currently doing weight watchers. I've lost 5 pounds! Yay! Slow but steady, right? For a living I'm an early childhood educator. Yes, that is my job title. I'm a lead teacher in a Toddler Program, responsibe for planning and making sure the planning is followed through. Along with the less glamourous wiping boogies, butts and whatever else gets dirty. It's a fantastic job, a little gross from time to time, but fantastic! Today my kids decided to mix together flannel pieces that i had spent an hour seperating. There had to of been like a trillion little pieces. When I walked over to see what they were doing i got a little ummm don't know the word but I was about to say something along the lines of "what have you done" when one of them looks at me and says "Surprise" I didn't know what to do. Turning away from them I started laughing. Well that is it for the day. Hopefully my future posts are interesting :) ~~tina~~