Not a good day ..

I woke up this morning not feeling so well. I picked up myself up and bed, showered, got the girls ready.. you know, the usual.

I dropped them off in their room and went to work. I kept breaking out into a sweat. It was so difficult to do what I needed to d. It was obvious to me that I was having anxiety attacks. During the day, they kept getting worse. I asked the nurse if dropping a bunch of weight quickly could make one feel unsteady. I've lost 10 pounds since last week :(


She asked me to eat something so I did. At 330 I bent down to remove one of the kids art smocks. I stood up and something was wrong. I called for my assistant and todl her something wasn't right. About ten seconds later, I was passed out on the floor. 911 was called and I was taken by ambulance to the hospital.

After blood work and an EKG it was determined that I most likely had a severe anxiety attack causing my body to shut down. Scary as hell.

I'm in bed tonight. They gave me the highest dose of xanax to combine with my paxil and the girls are having their first sleep over at my friends house. I miss them but I think all the meds are keeping my anxieties about that a bay.

ugh

OH, There's the sun ..

Things seem brighter. Much brighter.

The medicine still needs time to build up to take affect but I've come to terms with myself and we decided to do one day at a time. I've rediscovered my love for music. I even put some songs on my iPod. Something I haven't taken time to do. Actually I haven't taken the time to do anything for myself in a long time.

I only have about 10 songs on it but that's enough. One song I'm in love with right now is "Flightless Bird, American Mouth" by Iron and Wine. I heard it in a movie and the lyrics are weird but the melody is beautiful and it's relaxing.

I'm also back into reading. This isn't one I gave up but it's taken a back seat to life. It's something I enjoy doing and I'm going to do.

This morning wasn't a bad one. Yesterday was worse. Donald has been working during my break from work so I've had the girls. Yesterday I went to a friends house so I wouldn't be alone with the girls but I go so anxious we came home early and we all took a nap. Today I had to take Karly to the dr. She has a sinus infection and an ear infection but she's on meds now so she will feel better soon.

I was able to leave the house and I didn't feel anxious that much. When I did I just focused on music and I felt better. Music was always my go-to when I was younger and needed to find a calm.

I'm taking my friends 11 year old (my adopted niece) to see Breaking Dawn this afternoon. I promised her mother I'd cover her eyes when they needed to be.

Tomorrow the girls are getting their Christmas photos done :) I'm not crazy about their dresses but they look cute and I wanted to get functional dresses this year instead of paying crazy prices for something they'll wear once, like I do every year :)

Okay so for today the sun is shining, I'm smiling and life isn't so bad.

Charting progress

Today I took a mental day. My friend came and picked the girls up for school and Donald went to work. I had 9 hours of peace and quiet. I watched movies, talked to a few friends.. You know ME things.

It was a pretty calm day. I wasn't able to keep food in my stomach so today was day four of that but I did find comfort in a few cups of hot tea. I had a few anxiety attacks but nothing crazy. I know it will take time but all will be better.


**Lane Family I can't find your blog anymore :(.

I've been dx .. what do i do now?

Okay things have been going downhill. Fast. I still hadn't sought treatment for those feelings I was having .. until today.

Something happened at work between my boss and I. She wants me to switch lesson plans around. This weekend was a bad one for me. Spent most of it in bed. Didn't want to be a mom or a wife. Couldn't eat. Woke up feeling worse.

I turned and looked at her then shut the door in her face. Everyone that knows me knows I am NEVER disrespectful. It's not in blood. I can't disrespect anyone and I won't. Today I did and I did it with as much of myself as I could and I as soon as I got to my room, a sub came in because I was to report to the office asap.

My boss said I looked at her with no emotion and that I should go to the dr and seek treatment. I yelled at her. I've been trying to get off work for months now to go.

I have PPD. I was dx when the the girls were 6 months or so I believe and I took the meds for the month but felt better.

I know I've been off for awhile but I consider myself strong. I can take it. I put it in my huge "bucket" and carried it around. I know my old therapist would say "Your bucket tipped today, huh?" I started crying. I cried most of the day. I left the girls at school and went to see "Breaking Dawn" (which I LOVED btw and Eclipse is my FAVE!).

*and NO I won't be waiting in no crazy lines ;)

I know I'm a good mom and I know I'm a good teacher. I assume that what happened with V and his arm might of pushed me off the edge. I'm on a larger dose of meds than I've ever been on but I trust my dr.

I just want to feel myself again. I'm so over this depression thing.

OMG .. The Twilight Saga..

How was I not informed on how great these books are?? Well I'm almost through Twilight but I'm assuming they just get better?!

My infatuation, if you will, started last Wednesday night. On Wednesday nights, I stay up way past my bedtime to watch "American Horror Story" (so good!) and it comes on at 10. The week before, I fell asleep and Donald woke me up at 10 and I was groggy and sleepy and didn't really pay attention to the show so this week I was determined to stay up.

I was flipping through the channels and stopped on FX (the channel AHS is on) and Twilight was starting. I decided to stop on that because as soon as it was over my show would be on.

Okay first, yes the acting is a bit off. I can't even lie and say I loved the acting. However, I loved the story. I wish it went into it a bit more but it was a good movie. I enjoyed it. My friend suggested I read the books. I downloaded Twilight to my Nook and wow, I'm impressed. I love the book. It goes into so much detail. Tomorrow I'm going to watch New Moon and Eclipse and then next weekend I'm going (alone!) to watch Breaking Dawn :)

So excited :)

How in the world have these girls only been in my life for 3 years??

Three years isn't a long time but if feels like they've been in my life forever. I was looking through photos today, the girls each need photos for an upcoming art project at school, and I realized a few things.
1. I take a lot of pictures.
2. They've had a pretty awesome three years.
3. Time is going really fast.

I look at a certain photo, like my new header photo and I think "I remember everything about that day." I do. We were getting ready to go out to dinner with a really good friend so she could meet the girls for the first time. It was three years ago but I remember the day like it was yesterday.

I think we took a picture of everything. There are photos of almost every single day they've been alive. Silly pictures like a picture of Katie and the tower of blocks. I was so excited she built tower 6 blocks high, I took a picture. One day she was teething on a toy but she looked so darn cute I took the photo.

We also took pictures of everything we've done as a family. They've done a lot. I think we've done more with our kids than my parents ever did with us. In every photo they look like they had so much fun and that makes me feel proud. Like we are doing a good job at this parenting thing.

Time is going to so fast though. In just three years they've gone from infants to these little girls with huge personalities. They talk like little adults. They are silly and such great sense of humors and are just so much fun. They are loving and caring and funny and yes, sometimes a bit stubborn and bratty, but I am so proud of the little ladies they are turning into.

Fridays Show and Tell theme is "Thanksgiving". I couldn't think of any suggestions so I asked Katie "Kate, what you are thankful for?" Thinking this would be a good idea. She replied "I'm thankful for all my dolls, mommy." Okay. "Karly, what are you thankful for?" In her sweet, sweet voice she replied "I'm thankful for my Mommy and Daddy." Awwwww!!!!

So I asked her if she wanted to take a picture of her family for show and tell and she said yes :) Katie? Well we are still working on that.

There was no point in this post but to talk about my girls and how much happiness they've brought to my life. I am so very thankful that I get to be their mommy.

Katherine and Karly, I love you so very, very much.

I'm the worst.person.ever.

There's a two year old that had surgery this morning having a pin placed in his arm after breaking it under my care.

Yes children fall. Yes children get hurt. Yes sometimes they break bones, bust lips and bump heads.

This is my first broken bone in 12 years.

Friday afternoon we went on the playground. One of the other teachers brought a little boy named L over to me. He had bumped into another child and had a bruise on his face. As I was attending to him, another one of my children fell off of the dinosaur. I didn't see but another staff member did.

Rules state that if you see a child get hurt you are responsible for doing first aid, alerting the nurse and filing the accident/incident. Being that I was already dealing with one injury and didn't see the second, the staff member checked him out and sent him to me. I was sitting with an ice pack on L's face and V came over crying and sat in my lap.

He sat there for a few moments and got up and ran off. I assumed he was okay. A 100 children (including Karly) have fallen off the dinosaur. It's a small plastic sit on toy.

V is normally an emotional child and does cry a lot. He wants milk, he cries, he wakes up from nap crying, someone gets picked up he walks over them crying. The director walks in he starts crying .. you get the point.

When we came in, I had a child P, that was having some behavioral issues. I was trying to deal with P not listening, V crying and I had to write L's report and do music, notify the nurse the report was written and parents were picking up. It was stressful. V was still crying off and on, nothing crazy. Nothing that made me think he was in pain. When I asked him what was wrong, he just said "I want Mommy".

His mom came in and I told her he fell but didn't see to have any injuries but just needed some extra TLC. She said that she'd give him some milk and he'd be okay.
She came back in a few minutes later and said that she forgot her keys. She got her keys and left.

Apparently while she was in the car, she noticed his had was swollen. Something I don't remember even looking at.

I got the call Friday night that he was in the hospital with a significant fracture. I waited all day Saturday and all day today but hadn't heard anything. I could barely function I was so worried about him. I found out tonight that he's okay and he'll be back in school on Wednesday and the mom is upset but understands children fall and just wants to know what happened. I totally understand.

Tomorrow will be a lot of report writing and meetings but it could of been a ton worse. I thank God that V is going to be okay.