Saturday, December 31, 2011

New Years Eve..

We went out to dinner tonight. It was very nice. We haven't been out for awhile. The girls sat in the chairs. No high chair or booster. That took a little getting used to haha. They sat like little ladies and even put a napkin on their lap like mommy did. It was cute. Karly stole my knife when I turned to help Katie and when I tried to get it back she moved her arm away from me. Donald tried to grab it and she nearly stabbed herself in the face. Scared the crap out of us. I got her to give me the knife by using a line from my parents "If you don't give it to me now, we are going into the bathroom and you're getting a smack on the butt." She gave me the knife then yelled at the top of lungs "You're not my best friend anymore mommy!". At least she no longer had the knife.

I had to take the girls to the dr for a horrible cough. She told me it was because of household cleaners and she gave them steroids. Tonight Karly has a 102. I called her on call line like she told me too and still haven't gotten a response.

We are letting the girls stay up as long as they will and tomorrow we are hoping they are sleeping in. Donald has to work and my mother in law is going to watch them so I can go shopping with a friend. Nothing like a little retail therapy to start the New Year :)

Happy New Year! Have a safe and fun one!

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

More changes..

I've started noticing the changes in myself.

I am still having trouble starting the day but I'm never ready to end the day. I used to be so exhausted by the end of the day that I didn't want to be bothered and I'd go straight to bed. I have more energy.

I am happier. Nothing seems to bother me nearly as much and the nerve everyone seemed to enjoy jumping on seems to of numbed or something.

I no longer want to leave my husband. This was something I had a lot of trouble coming out with. I wanted a divorce. I thought I no longer loved him. I didn't know if it was because I was going through so much on the inside and he never understood or seemed to try to help or what but I thought a divorce was the best option. Now that I feel better I can't believe I thought that. He knows what I was thinking. I'd said it to him many times. He's stayed strong and loyal and I love him for that.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Peace ..

Today I miss my family but I realized something ..

That heavy weight is gone. Today is beautiful. It's not just Christmas. I feel like someone else. My old self.

Yesterday we went to my best friends house. We've gone there for Christmas Eve since I've moved here. She has two kids, I have two kids. We cook, we open gifts, we have a little wine, we laugh, we just have fun. Last night was no different.

We baked cookies with the girls and made these great snowballs (rice krispie balls rolled in powdered sugar). We had tons of food. I played Twilight with my "Niece" and another friend. I won, of course, lol.

The kids played Dance Party or some kind of dance game on the Wii. The girls had no idea what they were doing but with all the giggling it didn't even matter.

This morning they opened their gifts. We got them those Figits that are way overpriced but that was the hit of the day. They like their LeapPads but not as much. They like the baby crib and their slippers.

It's been a very good day.

Merry Christmas and I hope everyone reading has a blessed New Year.

Tuesday, December 20, 2011

This might be long .. :)

You can't say I didn't warn you :) I thought maybe I should update my blog on how my girls are doing since this blog is technically about them.


Wow. Katie has some personality. She's very strong willed, stubborn, extremely bright and funny .. well most of the time SHE thinks she's funny. She has started with the "I don't love you anymore .. " That's always awesome to hear. Her two favorite songs are "Moves like Jagger" and "Red Solo Cup" I know I know, I'm an awesome mother haha. She heard the Jagger song on tv and started dancing to it. It was so funny we just kept playing the song and now she can sing the chorus. It's so funny. I love "Red Solo Cup" so that's how she caught one. She walks around singing "Red solo cup, I lift you up, lets have a party... mommy what do we do at the party?" haha

She's also picked up on a few accidentally used words. One night I was in a particularly bad mood and Karly spilled her milk on the rug. I said "Are you F** kidding me?" under my breath and Katie heard it and repeated it. A few days later I was coming her hair before school and she saw the new bottle of soap on the sink and said "Mommy, why is the F** soap blue?" I was stuck between mortified and laughing my butt off. I don't think it's cute for kids to curse and after we had a talk, she hasn't used it again, thank goodness, but it's reminded me that my little sponges don't miss a thing.

She's learning Spanish and sign language. She's picking it up very quickly. Something new for us is when we say a word she tries to tell us what letters she hears in the word. She gets the first letter right 100% of the time and tries for the others. She has had no behavioral issues lately at school. No hitting, so that's good. I was worried that what was going on with me was going to have an effect on her. She's always been my little shadow. I can tell it has but it's not something we can't work through. She gets nervous when I'm around. Like she doesn't know if I'm in a good mood or not. Tonight I was laying in bed and she walked in. I asked her to come snuggle with me. She laid with me but then started licking me. I asked her to stop, she kept going. I moved her away from me and she just looked at me then she stopped and then we snuggled again for a minute then she left. I felt bad but that's yucky. She's also doing things for extra attention. Like when you ask her to do something or a question she'll give you the word that rhymes or some made up word as an answer. I asked her what she learned at school today she said "Red is Azul!" Nowhere near correct and she never told me even though she knows. I don't know.

She is really excited for Christmas. She can't wait to open presents.


My second one .. born 5 minutes later :) Karly is that child you see out in the field picking flowers and chasing butterflies. Never bothers you for anything. She's so bright, sweet and a bit shy. She is also very sensitive. She doesn't really play with anyone but she has "friends". She's not really a joiner but wants to be included in a little way. She has a good heart and it breaks easily. I don't know how many times I've seen "that look" lately. The one that says "You just hurt my feelings" and it's for everything. She's also been having a lot of accidents. She seems fine, happy. She is sleeping good. She has a bad cold. I just wonder if that has something to do with it.

I can't believe how sweet she is. She is always polite. Please, Thank You .. all of them. Tonight I sneezed she said "Bless you" and I replied "Thank You" and she replied "You're Welcome." That's just how she is. She gives the best hugs. At least I think so. I'm the only one she'll actually hug. It makes it all the more special. She has never repeated a bad word. It makes me wonder. The other day they were learning the letter F. She said "Forks" and the teachers thought she said .. well you know. The called me and I said she's saying forks. The agreed. Had it of been Katie, well I'd of though she actually said something else.

Karly just seems so grown up and still babyish at the same time. She still has her chubby cheeks, the soft curly hair, her little nose but her mannerisms are not baby. The way she sits, the way she eats, her speech, the way she looks at you. She's got a great heart. I love watching her with her babies. She is so gentle with them. She takes very good care of them.

She is also excited for Christmas as well. I think this one will be the best yet.



Tonight I did dinner and then went to lay down. My body is aching. I'm tired. Christmas is coming. I'm so conflicted about Christmas. I should be happy I get to spend it with my husband and my girls but I want my mom and my dad brothers, sisters nieces nephews grandparents ..

I have the song ".. Home is where i want to be on Christmas and home is so many miles away.." stuck in my head. It breaks my heart. I haven't seen my family on Christmas since Dec '99. I'm getting stuck in that instead of where I should be.

So tonight I went to bed and cried for a minute then got up. Gave them a shower, vitamins brushed teeth combed hair and then my girls and I sat next to the Christmas tree in the dark and looked at the lights. We talked about the star and the colors and what we would do Christmas morning and then we went up to bed. It was a very sweet moment. I'm where I need to be.

My Blessings .. (no particular order)

My kids
My husband
A roof
A car
A job (I love!)
My kids have food, clothes and good health
My huge family.. although they are spread out and not where I can see them, I know in my heart they think of me often and want me with them every bit as much as I want to be with them and that is enough for now.

Monday, December 12, 2011

New York Adventure

We took the path train to 33rd street. We walked to the Macy's. Their window display this year was a bit weird. I remember my first trip it was Miracle on 34th Street. This year it was these white puppet ladies. No idea what they were about and there were too many people waiting to read all the writing on the windows but it was still fun to watch.

This was another window. The other side of Macy's has "Yes, Virginia" as a theme but I didn't get any pics and it was getting dark.

The New Year Ball. The picture didn't come out very pretty but it was blue and sparkly in the sun.

The girls and Times Square.

The tree.

We actually made it right up to the tree. There were so many people. Katie loved the ice skaters. I didn't get a pic of that either.

Katie was so excited to go to the NHL store. By the time we got there she was passed out. We woke her up and she picked out a rangers key chain. Karly stayed asleep.

We saw this as we were headed down to the subway. I just happened to look up and it really touched me. I had to stop and take a picture. It's on the Macy's building. It's huge.

There were three things we didn't get to do. 1. Go into Macy's. I love going up to the 7th floor. They have the original escalator and it's made of wood and it's rickety. Love it. 2. Buy an ornament. We always go to their christmas department and buy an overpriced ornament. 3. Go into the Hard Rock Cafe and buy a shot glass for a special someone.

We had a great time and now that we know how easy it is to get them in and out of the city I'm sure we'll be going back once it warms up. Our next goal is Central Park and the Central Park Zoo.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

New York City

This morning we got up and dressed and took the girls to see the tree for the first time.

We drove the 10 minutes to Hoboken, parked in a garage and walked the three blocks to the path train and took the 12 minute train ride to the city.

It's really a shame we haven't done it before now. It's got to be a sin to live so close so such a remarkable place and never go. There is nothing like new York city at Christmastime.

I will post more and pictures such tomorrow.

Friday, December 9, 2011

We knew this wasn't going to get better overnight, right?

Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ..

Okay So I was feeling pretty good on Monday. Almost passed out twice on Tuesday. Why? Because I was feeling so "normal" that I skipped the Xanax.

In my defense, I've felt lousy for so long that the second I didn't, I assumed I was better. That I was back to normal. I didn't realize that I was feeling better because of the meds.

I started taking them again on Wednesday, three times a day and the Paxil at night (Never stopped that) and I am still feeling pretty good. That is until I get home.

The car ride home is more than I can take. The girls fight, they yell, they are both talking at once .. After work I need a few minutes of quiet. So I talk to them about their day, or try to.

I can be honest, right? I don't care how their days are right now. I only care that we survived it. I hug them when I pick them up and look them over, I kiss them. I ask the teacher how their day was and then I'm done. I don't care about anything else. I don't want to hear about anything else. I half listen to their chatter/fighting/yelling/crying with clinched teeth and twice I've put in my earbuds and listened to music from my ipod. Now I feel horrible, but it's still true.

When we get home I try really hard to stay in the same room but I end up walking about to hide in the bedroom. Just for a few minutes. Donald makes dinner or his mother does. We eat together. I give them a shower, get them dressed and put them in bed. I go through the routines but I don't feel it.

I know I love my kids and see how this is affecting them. It is. It really is. Katie has a horrible attitude. Karly cries all the time for every little thing. Katie tells us she doesn't love us anymore. She tells her daddy "I don't like you". She clings to me and cries for no obvious reasons. Karly sucks her thumb and starts crying over the smallest things.

This is hurting my kids and I can't stop it. I can't make myself be who I want to be. The words "Think about finding a psychiatrist" came out of my drs mouth. He may be right. He probably is right.

I would give anything to be my old self. The self that stood strong and survived my childhood. The self that has everything that matters in life. The self that used to want to spend every single moment with her children because they were the most important part of her life.

...and I've lost almost 20 pounds in the last 2 weeks :(

When will I be me again??

Saturday, December 3, 2011

I feel human ..

One day at a time. Some times are up some are down but progress is what's important. This morning I woke up anxious. Donald has been working every single weekend. One of my issues was that I can't get a break.

I get up with my 2 in the morning, drop them off in their classroom then walk to my classroom and await my 14 other children. I spend all day with those 14 then walk to the girls classroom and get my 2 then go home where I make dinner and get them cleaned up, in bed and then I get quiet time to get ready for the next day.

On the weekends, Donald goes to work and I have my 2 all day by myself. Never a break from answering to "Mommy" or "Ms. Tina". I have kids 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

However, I've realized I don't want a break from the life I wanted. I've just been feeling overwhelmed. I like my life. I love my kids (all 16 of them) and I love my job.

Tonight I actually had an idea to take the kids to the light festival at the zoo. There were some animals out and lots of lights. I did take a 3.5 hour nap this afternoon with the girls. The Xanax makes me really sleepy. When I woke up, I didn't go for the pills. I told Donald my idea and he said lets go. I didn't have any anxiety about leaving the house. I didn't have to talk myself into it. We just got ready and went.

And we had fun. The kids didn't irritate me. That's another thing. Everything the girls were doing was getting under my skin. Every time they said "Mommy" I would cringe. It wasn't them exactly, it was the fact that I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't feel any of that tonight. I haven't had any Xanax since this morning and I got them dressed for bed and still didn't feel anxious.

I am getting better. :)

Friday, December 2, 2011

Paxil, Xanax, music and sleep..

Those 4 things combined are making life smooth. Yesterday I was so sleepy but I felt peace. I was able to concentrate and focus. I smiled because I wanted to. I fell asleep at 8 and woke up at 6 still feeling pretty good. I only took half a Xanax this morning. Not the best idea but I'm still okay. Im supposed to use the Xanax as a helper not to become dependent on it.

I'm looking forward to the weekend. We have nothing planned so that will be nice.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Not a good day ..

I woke up this morning not feeling so well. I picked up myself up and bed, showered, got the girls ready.. you know, the usual.

I dropped them off in their room and went to work. I kept breaking out into a sweat. It was so difficult to do what I needed to d. It was obvious to me that I was having anxiety attacks. During the day, they kept getting worse. I asked the nurse if dropping a bunch of weight quickly could make one feel unsteady. I've lost 10 pounds since last week :(

She asked me to eat something so I did. At 330 I bent down to remove one of the kids art smocks. I stood up and something was wrong. I called for my assistant and todl her something wasn't right. About ten seconds later, I was passed out on the floor. 911 was called and I was taken by ambulance to the hospital.

After blood work and an EKG it was determined that I most likely had a severe anxiety attack causing my body to shut down. Scary as hell.

I'm in bed tonight. They gave me the highest dose of xanax to combine with my paxil and the girls are having their first sleep over at my friends house. I miss them but I think all the meds are keeping my anxieties about that a bay.


Saturday, November 26, 2011

OH, There's the sun ..

Things seem brighter. Much brighter.

The medicine still needs time to build up to take affect but I've come to terms with myself and we decided to do one day at a time. I've rediscovered my love for music. I even put some songs on my iPod. Something I haven't taken time to do. Actually I haven't taken the time to do anything for myself in a long time.

I only have about 10 songs on it but that's enough. One song I'm in love with right now is "Flightless Bird, American Mouth" by Iron and Wine. I heard it in a movie and the lyrics are weird but the melody is beautiful and it's relaxing.

I'm also back into reading. This isn't one I gave up but it's taken a back seat to life. It's something I enjoy doing and I'm going to do.

This morning wasn't a bad one. Yesterday was worse. Donald has been working during my break from work so I've had the girls. Yesterday I went to a friends house so I wouldn't be alone with the girls but I go so anxious we came home early and we all took a nap. Today I had to take Karly to the dr. She has a sinus infection and an ear infection but she's on meds now so she will feel better soon.

I was able to leave the house and I didn't feel anxious that much. When I did I just focused on music and I felt better. Music was always my go-to when I was younger and needed to find a calm.

I'm taking my friends 11 year old (my adopted niece) to see Breaking Dawn this afternoon. I promised her mother I'd cover her eyes when they needed to be.

Tomorrow the girls are getting their Christmas photos done :) I'm not crazy about their dresses but they look cute and I wanted to get functional dresses this year instead of paying crazy prices for something they'll wear once, like I do every year :)

Okay so for today the sun is shining, I'm smiling and life isn't so bad.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Charting progress

Today I took a mental day. My friend came and picked the girls up for school and Donald went to work. I had 9 hours of peace and quiet. I watched movies, talked to a few friends.. You know ME things.

It was a pretty calm day. I wasn't able to keep food in my stomach so today was day four of that but I did find comfort in a few cups of hot tea. I had a few anxiety attacks but nothing crazy. I know it will take time but all will be better.

**Lane Family I can't find your blog anymore :(.

Monday, November 21, 2011

I've been dx .. what do i do now?

Okay things have been going downhill. Fast. I still hadn't sought treatment for those feelings I was having .. until today.

Something happened at work between my boss and I. She wants me to switch lesson plans around. This weekend was a bad one for me. Spent most of it in bed. Didn't want to be a mom or a wife. Couldn't eat. Woke up feeling worse.

I turned and looked at her then shut the door in her face. Everyone that knows me knows I am NEVER disrespectful. It's not in blood. I can't disrespect anyone and I won't. Today I did and I did it with as much of myself as I could and I as soon as I got to my room, a sub came in because I was to report to the office asap.

My boss said I looked at her with no emotion and that I should go to the dr and seek treatment. I yelled at her. I've been trying to get off work for months now to go.

I have PPD. I was dx when the the girls were 6 months or so I believe and I took the meds for the month but felt better.

I know I've been off for awhile but I consider myself strong. I can take it. I put it in my huge "bucket" and carried it around. I know my old therapist would say "Your bucket tipped today, huh?" I started crying. I cried most of the day. I left the girls at school and went to see "Breaking Dawn" (which I LOVED btw and Eclipse is my FAVE!).

*and NO I won't be waiting in no crazy lines ;)

I know I'm a good mom and I know I'm a good teacher. I assume that what happened with V and his arm might of pushed me off the edge. I'm on a larger dose of meds than I've ever been on but I trust my dr.

I just want to feel myself again. I'm so over this depression thing.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

OMG .. The Twilight Saga..

How was I not informed on how great these books are?? Well I'm almost through Twilight but I'm assuming they just get better?!

My infatuation, if you will, started last Wednesday night. On Wednesday nights, I stay up way past my bedtime to watch "American Horror Story" (so good!) and it comes on at 10. The week before, I fell asleep and Donald woke me up at 10 and I was groggy and sleepy and didn't really pay attention to the show so this week I was determined to stay up.

I was flipping through the channels and stopped on FX (the channel AHS is on) and Twilight was starting. I decided to stop on that because as soon as it was over my show would be on.

Okay first, yes the acting is a bit off. I can't even lie and say I loved the acting. However, I loved the story. I wish it went into it a bit more but it was a good movie. I enjoyed it. My friend suggested I read the books. I downloaded Twilight to my Nook and wow, I'm impressed. I love the book. It goes into so much detail. Tomorrow I'm going to watch New Moon and Eclipse and then next weekend I'm going (alone!) to watch Breaking Dawn :)

So excited :)

Monday, November 14, 2011

How in the world have these girls only been in my life for 3 years??

Three years isn't a long time but if feels like they've been in my life forever. I was looking through photos today, the girls each need photos for an upcoming art project at school, and I realized a few things.
1. I take a lot of pictures.
2. They've had a pretty awesome three years.
3. Time is going really fast.

I look at a certain photo, like my new header photo and I think "I remember everything about that day." I do. We were getting ready to go out to dinner with a really good friend so she could meet the girls for the first time. It was three years ago but I remember the day like it was yesterday.

I think we took a picture of everything. There are photos of almost every single day they've been alive. Silly pictures like a picture of Katie and the tower of blocks. I was so excited she built tower 6 blocks high, I took a picture. One day she was teething on a toy but she looked so darn cute I took the photo.

We also took pictures of everything we've done as a family. They've done a lot. I think we've done more with our kids than my parents ever did with us. In every photo they look like they had so much fun and that makes me feel proud. Like we are doing a good job at this parenting thing.

Time is going to so fast though. In just three years they've gone from infants to these little girls with huge personalities. They talk like little adults. They are silly and such great sense of humors and are just so much fun. They are loving and caring and funny and yes, sometimes a bit stubborn and bratty, but I am so proud of the little ladies they are turning into.

Fridays Show and Tell theme is "Thanksgiving". I couldn't think of any suggestions so I asked Katie "Kate, what you are thankful for?" Thinking this would be a good idea. She replied "I'm thankful for all my dolls, mommy." Okay. "Karly, what are you thankful for?" In her sweet, sweet voice she replied "I'm thankful for my Mommy and Daddy." Awwwww!!!!

So I asked her if she wanted to take a picture of her family for show and tell and she said yes :) Katie? Well we are still working on that.

There was no point in this post but to talk about my girls and how much happiness they've brought to my life. I am so very thankful that I get to be their mommy.

Katherine and Karly, I love you so very, very much.

Sunday, November 13, 2011

I'm the worst.person.ever.

There's a two year old that had surgery this morning having a pin placed in his arm after breaking it under my care.

Yes children fall. Yes children get hurt. Yes sometimes they break bones, bust lips and bump heads.

This is my first broken bone in 12 years.

Friday afternoon we went on the playground. One of the other teachers brought a little boy named L over to me. He had bumped into another child and had a bruise on his face. As I was attending to him, another one of my children fell off of the dinosaur. I didn't see but another staff member did.

Rules state that if you see a child get hurt you are responsible for doing first aid, alerting the nurse and filing the accident/incident. Being that I was already dealing with one injury and didn't see the second, the staff member checked him out and sent him to me. I was sitting with an ice pack on L's face and V came over crying and sat in my lap.

He sat there for a few moments and got up and ran off. I assumed he was okay. A 100 children (including Karly) have fallen off the dinosaur. It's a small plastic sit on toy.

V is normally an emotional child and does cry a lot. He wants milk, he cries, he wakes up from nap crying, someone gets picked up he walks over them crying. The director walks in he starts crying .. you get the point.

When we came in, I had a child P, that was having some behavioral issues. I was trying to deal with P not listening, V crying and I had to write L's report and do music, notify the nurse the report was written and parents were picking up. It was stressful. V was still crying off and on, nothing crazy. Nothing that made me think he was in pain. When I asked him what was wrong, he just said "I want Mommy".

His mom came in and I told her he fell but didn't see to have any injuries but just needed some extra TLC. She said that she'd give him some milk and he'd be okay.
She came back in a few minutes later and said that she forgot her keys. She got her keys and left.

Apparently while she was in the car, she noticed his had was swollen. Something I don't remember even looking at.

I got the call Friday night that he was in the hospital with a significant fracture. I waited all day Saturday and all day today but hadn't heard anything. I could barely function I was so worried about him. I found out tonight that he's okay and he'll be back in school on Wednesday and the mom is upset but understands children fall and just wants to know what happened. I totally understand.

Tomorrow will be a lot of report writing and meetings but it could of been a ton worse. I thank God that V is going to be okay.

Monday, October 31, 2011

I must say ..

That I'm very proud of my class today.

We had a Halloween Parade today at the school. My 2 year olds were expected to hold onto the walking rope and not let go, even when they see their parents. We don't actually expect this of them. How could you? However, it's what we tell them we want. We go over it every day leading up. I went out holding my breath. "Okay everyone, wave and say "Happy Halloween" .. and guess what they did? They held on and said Happy Halloween. Wait, What?? Yep. They did it. They followed directions. I was so happy. This was a huge accomplishment. My husband who came to watch the girls, said my class was so well behaved he doesn't know what I'm complaining about. Ha ha..

They were really good all day. I'm so happy about this.

Katie is doing so much better. Just a minor cold. Karly started running a temp yesterday but I didn't want her to miss the parade so we dosed her with Motrin and sent her to school and as expected she was sent home with 102. Bad mom I know but Halloween only comes once a year and SHE knew everything she was going to miss. When I got her home she asked if we were trick or treating and I took her temp it was 104. I gave her motrin and watched her run around yelling Trick or Treat. Once her fever broke, we bundled her up and walked around the neighborhood. It was much easier to get away stuff when they were younger.

They got a lot of candy and had so much fun. We made the mistake of going up to a house (light was on) and knocked. No one came out so I said "Lets go. No one is home" Katie started crying lol. She's so sensitive.

Hope everyone had a great Halloween :)

So this weekend I've had my first ever snow storm in October. We got about 4 inches and trick or treating around the snow was a first as well. The girls loved it and asked to make a snowman but I had to explain that it was wet heavy snow not good for making snowmen. We also had our first power outage. Entertaining the girls during our day of darkness was pretty easy. We went to a friends house, we carved pumpkins and when it got really dark we played flashlight dancing on the ceiling. About 8, we got ready for bed and we all went to sleep. It was getting cold anyway so what better way to get warm than in your comfy bed. We even colored by candlelight. It was fun day.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Something new...

So I've learned how to blog from my phone. Not sure how it will go but don't have a lot of time so this is a good a way as any. Work today was so horrible. I love my job but this year the children are difficult. You know that scene in toy story 3 where they toys are hiding and then the kids come in and it's chaos? Welcome to my room. They spend more time throwing toys and ripping books and tearing stuff off the walls than they spend doing anything else. You give them art to do they rip the paper and dump out the glue blow the pieces on the floor ugh :(. You open and book and their eyes roll back and they drown it out with screaming over me or getting up to run around. Its just awful. Everynight I go to bed thinking about new ways to go at it tomorrow and I walk in to work ready to take them on and I walk out defeated at the end of the day.

I don't know. I just start feeling like a failure by Friday. Tomorrow I'll buck up and go back to work an just try to survive the day. Did I mention I have a kid who vomits all the time? He just sits there burps and then pukes. I know it's not his fault but I have to stop and clean it up bit the kids don't sit and let me. Its not my first walk in the park you know?

I'm not sure what I can do but I know I'm looking forward to august.

Friday, October 21, 2011

One of those weeks ..

First off .. Happy Halloween!!

On Wednesday, I picked up the girls from school as I usually do. Katie came up to me and literally climbed in my arms. I thought she felt warm but didn't really about it until I got home. When I got home, I made dinner and when she laid on the couch and refused to eat, I thought I should take her temp. It was 101.2.

I didn't think much about it. Thought she had your average virus. I gave her some Tylenol, she drank a little milk and we tucked her in. At 1 am she woke up crying for me. I picked her up and right away you could feel she was burning up. We took her temp and it was 103.9. I gave her some Motrin and we sponged her down. When her temp was down to 101, we put her in our bed and went back to sleep.

A friend said she'd watch Katie for me so I dropped her off with Motrin and Tylenol and the usual stuff and went to work. When I picked her up, my friend said she hadn't eaten, drank any fluids or used the potty and all she did was sleep. When I got her in the car I realized she was unresponsive. She just laid there. When I did get her to talk to me, she was slurring her speech. I called the pediatrician immediately and told her what was going on. She directed us to the the ER.

We got her to pee in a cup and it was brownish so we knew something wasn't right. Her temp was 103 something but the hospital was able to bring it down with 2 tsp of Motrin. She drank some water and was dx with a UTI and we were sent home. We filled the medicine and went home. She ate a little and we went to bed. She woke up at 3:30 crying she was going to fall. I took her temp and it was 103.3. I called the ER to see what I should give her. They said 2 tsp of Motrin every 6 hours. I went back in the room and took it again and it was 104. She was shaking and crying. We gave her the meds and a sponge bath and cooled her down. When we got up in the morning, she was still running a fever. My friend was going to watch her for a few hours until I could take her to the dr. My friend called and said she was worse. I left worked and picked her up and took her to the dr. My friend said her temp was 98.8 but in 20 minutes it was 104.2. At the drs, they gave her some motrin and a few sips of water. She took it and then vomited everywhere. She wouldn't move.
We took her to the ER again. There they took her temp and set up and IV. They tested her urine again and her blood. They told me they were worried she had sepsis (sp). I've never seen my child this sick and it was so scary. They got the blood work done and started her on fluids and an antibiotic through the IV. She laid there and watched tv and you could slowly see the life coming back into her.

After about 3 hours of being on the IV, she was up eating some applesauce. She wouldn't drink anything but that was okay. Soon she was her chatty, active self. She was saying her colors in english and spanish, counting, showing off all her "skills" she was just back to normal.

They gave me the good news that her blood contained "nothing alarming" and we were in the clear as soon as she was done getting the antibiotics.

Today she spent the day with daddy. I wished I could of taken off to be with her. My job requires that I be there when the children are and I do my best to fulfill that but it was really hard.

She ran low grade fevers throughout the day but she ate 3 meals and drank a lot of Blueberry juice, blueberry juice fights off bacteria in the bladder :). I am so happy my little girl is on the mend.

However ..
Today Karly came down with viral croup .. .. .. ..

Oy Vey!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

*News* :)

WE went costume shopping. OY VEY! Is all I have to say. Karly decided she wanted to be Buzz Lightyear. I'll be honest, I was a bit disappointed. I wanted her to be something girly, a pretty know. Well we were out shopping when I saw a Buzz costume for $14. I thought "What a great deal" and bought it. Karly was so excited.

This weekend we decided to go get Katie's costume. She wanted to be Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell is sold out in WalMart so we visited Party City. Man they are pricey (For something that's going to get worn ONCE!). She decided she wanted to be a red butterfly instead. I asked for the Lady Bug costume, waited for it, walked back to pick up to get it and then the fitting room. It's been about 20 minutes. She doesn't like the red butterfly. She wants to be Tinkerbell. They find me and tell me they DO have Tinkerbell and it's in pick up. I go back to pick up, get the costume, go to fitting and Guess What?! She doesn't want to be Tinkerbell. She "Don't want to be anything".

Now this whole time Karly is in the background talking about how she wants to be Strawberry Shortcake. There is a cute cute cute Strawberry Shortcake costume for a reasonable price. I go and order it, pick it up and ask Katie if she wants to be Buzz. She said she did.

Katie threw a massive tantrum because she "Don't want to be anything!" but we tried it on anyway. Now she's excited about being Buzz.

Guess What!! I'm an auntie again. Introducing my beautiful adorable and handsome nephew, Lucan :) I love him. Isn't he precious!
Girls and I went shopping. We got winter jackets, new shoes, went to breakfast etc. It was so nice and they were very well behaved. It makes me sad because you can really tell that they are growing up. They have their own likes and dislikes. They have their own way of doing things. We went to get winter coats and I had the great idea of them getting little pea-coats. How cute would they look, right? So we went to Old Navy and I was showing them the pea-coats. Cute cute pink ones. Well they didn't want the cute cute pink pea-coat. They wanted this cute thick warm purple blue and white parka. Yes it's cute, the hood is lined with soft fur, it was on sale $15 off, inside lined with fleece .. BUT it wasn't the pea-coat. However, because I want them to know I respect them as they are, we bought the parkas. Maybe next year.
I love them so very, very much.

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Just a quicky :)

So Ive done three post today but I love this ...

If you were raised on Hee Haw, had a crush on any of the Dukes, only watched cartoons on Saturday morning, played in the dirt, got your butt busted or had to pick your own switch, had a phone with a rotary dial, had 3 TV channels, school started with the "Pledge", had a bedtime, rode in back of pickup trucks, recorded the top 40 from radio on cassette tapes, played in the creek, rode your bike all day without a helmet...and you still turned out okay, re-post this and remember the good times!!

This brings back those good all days. On the worst days I remember how hard life was with my parents being, well my parents, but most days all I remember is the fun we had. This is a silly FB status thingy but it made me sit there for a few and just think about all the good, fun times we had and I'd love to take my kids to a time where you got to enjoy this freely and with no worries.

Fall Fall I LOVE Fall!!

Fall is my FAVORITE season. I love everything about fall. I love the weather, the colors, the smells, the tastes .. everything!

Today is a beautiful fall day. It's about 65 degrees, the sun is shining, there is a cool breeze, Just perfect.

Next weekend we are going apple picking and then we'll plan our pumpkin picking day after that.

The girls have their costumes picked out. Katie wants to be Tinkerbell and Karly wants to be Buzz Lightyear.

So many things to do :) Yay for Fall!

"You're Mommy, you can't get sick"

Says the husband.

On Tuesday, I took the girls to school. I fixed up their breakfast and got them seated. Karly stood up, walked to sink to wash her hands and then vomited. I thought it was a fluke. How silly. Around 11, she was sent home. I took her home, daddy came home to watch her. I went back to work. At 3, I got the call that Katie had to go home as well. Left work.

Wednesday wasn't too bad but hubby woke up Thursday morning vomiting. Thursday night I started feeling sick. Donald said "You're Mommy, you can't get sick". He didn't mean it in a mean way just stating a fact. (his facts lol)

I took the girls to school yesterday and then went home to suffer.

Everything is back to normal this morning but the house is a MESS!!

I hope it's a bit before we have anything else but a cold in this house (we all have a cold).

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

For Fun :)

Red paint in the hair? Blue paint on the jeans?
Sand in the shoes? Peanut butter on a favorite shirt?
White socks that look brown? Sleeves a bit damp?

worked with a friend
solved a problem
created a masterpiece
negotiated a difference
learned a new skill
had a great time
developed new language skills

feel lonely
become bored
do a repetitive task that is babyish
do worksheets that are too easy. 
do sit down work that is discouraging

paid good money for those clothes
will have trouble getting the red paint out
are concerned the caregiver isn't paying enough attention to your child

was aware of your child's special needs and interests
spent time planning a challenging activity for the children
encouraged the children to try new things
was worried you might be concerned

Young children really learn when they are actively involved in play...not when someone is talking to them. There is a difference between "messy" and "lack of care." Your caregiver made sure your child was fed, warm, offered new skills and planned messy fun things to do because that's how your children learn!
Send your child in clothes that can get dirty! Keep extra clothes at the site for the times when the child gets really messy. But remember, your children need time to be kids.

~~~Author Unknown~~~ 

 This happens all the time.  I really have to resist the urge to shrug when parents ask me what happened to their clothing.  I do use smocks and bibs provided but if you've ever tried to art with a 2 year old, I could cover them with a garbage bag and they'd STILL get dirty lol.  I love this poem. 

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Beams from the WTC that were placed in our town overlooking the river.

Girls looking into reflecting pool

On the light rail for the first time

First light rail ride

Having hotdogs in Frank Sinatra Park in Hoboken

My dinner at the Hoboken Italian Festival

Waiting for fireworks

The Island we watched the fireworks from

Last night we attending the Hoboken Italian Festival.  The girls had a great time.  It was their first trip to Hoboken.  We took the light rail and walked to the park.  We had a blast.  The girls had hotdogs, watermelon cream soda, some root beer, some ice cream and we watched a great fireworks show. 

The beam of light was up from where the towers once stood and I have a pic on my phone but I'll share that another day.

Going home was a little crazy.  It was almost midnight and we had to go to Newport to catch the light rail home.  Because it was the light rail (and the day before the 9-11 10 year anniversary)  there were tons of cops carrying big guns.  It's been quiet here though.  I'm, of course, worried about the threatened attacks today.  The big football game is tonight and they are searching everyones car before letting them in. 

It's been a nice day.  My friend had her baby.  He's sooo tiny and I'm in love.  Made me want another little one but not enough to do IVF again :)

Friday, September 9, 2011

The ugly truth ..

Okay so I've been ignoring all the signs. I know I'm ignoring them because I'm a stubborn person. I always have been. When I want to do something, I do it. Even if it means I'll fall flat on my face and end up in a worse situation than before. I still do it.

I was dx with an anxiety/panic disorder years ago. Years and years ago. Like 15 years ago. I was on meds for awhile but wanted to go it without them. Went back on them. When I wanted to have a baby, I couldn't take it. I weaned myself off and sought out therapy. She really really helped me. Got me through, taught me how to deal and manage a life med-free.


My body has really been showing signs that I NEED to go back on anxiety meds. I've been ignoring them but now they are all getting to me. It started with the heart palpitations and that feeling of dread/panic. I calmed myself down. Then I started getting little muscle twitches that I ignored. Then I started feeling tired all the time. Really ran down. Fast forward to now, my body hurts. I feel like I have the flu. I flub my words, my short term memory is all screwed up. I don't rest. I'm always worried about something. Objects make me angry. Just a little bit ago, the sound of the magazine flapping by the fan was driving me nuts. I find myself griping things a little too tight. I choke on nothing. I'll just be walking and start choking on air. Happens more than a hundred times a day. I get nervous and I've been snapping. I have great restraint at work but I will forget that I'm reading a book, I'll read the wrong words, forget what's next, and when I come home I just can't seem to talk or interact. I spend about half an hour with family, then it's time to hide in the bedroom until I have to come out.

I can't take living like this. I don't mind being on the medicine but I always hoped I wouldn't have to take it again. I know why I am an anxious person. I know how it started, when it started and I don't want my girls to be anxious or panicky. I want them to be sane haha (J/K) I want them to stay positive and not worry about every little thing like their mother.

I just feel the need to get this out somewhere. All day it felt like my heart was pumping water and I couldn't take a breath. Donald is home all weekend so that will be good for me. I usually do Saturdays by myself.

I guess I should go to bed. I do need lots and lots of sleep.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Turning my blog into a book .. hmm

Some of the post on here aren't really keep worthy but a ton of them are. I was thinking of making this blog into a book. Here are the prices: Hard cover/full color-$99, Soft cover/full color-$89, soft cover/b&w-$32.

I could do the $32 but the others are a bit steep. Last night I spent a lot of time reading my older posts and wondered what would happen if I lost this site. That's 4 years of memories I'd lose. Funny part, when I read the blog entry and then saw the comments button, I could remember exactly what the comments said before clicking to read it.

I love my blog. I think I will most definitely print most of it out. Ramblings of work and stuff aren't that important but my IVF and my pregnancy and the girls first few years is.


It's the first week with a new set of kids. They are mostly young. I have a few that don't turn 2 until the end of October. I usually have the older toddlers. Those that turn 3 in November so this is different.

The first day was okay. They cried, they laughed, they cried some more. Parents on my case asking why their child is crying. I have to keep telling them that it's normal. They look at me like I'm crazy. The second day I said "Look. I've been doing this for more than 10 years. It's normal. It happens every single September and there's nothing anyone can do. They are going to have to cry until they see that they are happy. I don't know why they need to cry but they do."

My girls never cried. Not one day at drop off. I really don't know why some kids cry. I'm not talking about the ones that cry for a little bit in the morning at separation and then go play. I'm talking about the scream-until-I-vomit and then scream some more and more and more and more. I have a few that cry All.Day.Long.

It's like I'm torturing them. We do everything to make them happy and sometimes you just have to let them cry.

They are going to their job and I'm going to spend the day with your screaming child. Yes, I will heat up their food. Yes, I will give them something to drink. Yes, I will change their diaper. Yes yes yes!! Not my first walk in the park, ya know?

Just say "Thank you" and Get off my back.

vent over.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011


I posted last year, I'll post it again. Simply for myself but this year I added a video/song that touches my soul.

I had just moved here. I wonder if that's why it is so stuck in memory. I saw something posted on FB saying that you can't remember what you did last Tuesday but I bet you remember what happened 10 years ago Tuesday. And I do.

I remember everything. I remember it was a beautiful sunny day. I remember saying bye to boyfriend and then rolling over to go back to sleep. I remember getting up a little before 9 to answer the phone and I remember Donald's words : "Are you okay?" "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"
"Have you turned on the tv?" "No, should I?" "The towers were hit." "What towers?" "The WTC towers. The ones we just visited."

I turned on the tv and watched in horror. It was happening right outside. When Donald came home we walked up the block and watch through tears. All you could see was smoke, smoke and more smoke. The smell was horrid.

The days that past were grim. Very few people on the streets, the smell of decay and smoke.

This is one of my favorite songs and it's set to a video. Donald and I are going to take a walk and take some photos of the Freedom Tower next week.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

End of summer pt. 2

Today we went to the zoo. We have a membership and haven't hardly used it so we thought we'd go. I wish I could write about the fun happy time we had but the truth is it just wasn't a good time. For us.

Katie had the biggest attitude. She was talking back, throwing tantrums and a few times told me she was "running away". She wanted in the stroller, out of the stroller wanted to push the stroller and walk. Karly screamed "NO" at every exhibit we walked up to. "NO MONKEYS!" "NO LLAMAS" etc you get the point.

I told the girls I was going to smack their little butts if kept it up and they said "Mommy! Don't smack me!" Which made me look like an award winning parent. Still we smiled and made the best of our very demanding together day. There were a few exhibits they enjoyed. The liked the aquarium, birds and the penguins.

They asked to go to McDonalds. We were happy to say "Yes" because we thought it would make them happy and we could sit down and have a nice unhealthy lunch. Nope. Katie refused to eat through herself under the table, kicked the table and just refused to be good.

They refused to nap. They are still up being awful and I decided to sit here and blog while Donald takes a turn to deal with them..and that's what we are doing. Dealing with them until we can get to bedtime. I had to use the restroom before and when I came back in the room, they had dumped the entire contents of my wallet and purse onto the floor. When I asked them what they were doing, Karly said she was "Looking for dollars".

I will probably take them out for a walk after dinner to really wear there little hineys out so they sleep good and hopefully sleep in tomorrow.

Next two days are cleaning (which should be fun). Here are a few happy moments of our day.

Friday, September 2, 2011

Goodbye to Summer part 1 ..

Being that this is the last weekend of Summer and life goes back to normal come Tuesday, we decided to do a few things this weekend. Well we were going to do a lot of things but rain will keep us in.

Today we spent the day at the beach. Uncle E and Kathy came with us, as did a friend and her son from work. We went to our favorite spot but the hurricane sure did a number on it. There was no damage to structures or the boardwalk but where we usually sit was under water. Most of the beach was underwater. We had to keep moving farther back because the waves were coming all the way in.

At one point, Karly was playing with Donald and I had my back turned. I heard Karly yell and turned around and she was being knocked down by a wave. Donald ran and grabbed her and she was upset. We were no where near the water so I was a bit surprised. We moved farther back and I sat down to dig in the sand with the girls when another wave came and knocked over my brothers cooler and moved the girls toys back. The girls took off running.

We moved farther away again. Now there was a good amount of space between the ocean and us but that didn't stop the waves. They kept coming up and over our stuff. We moved farther back and Donald pointed out that our first campsite was completely under water. The high tide made a little river through the middle of the beach but the kids were so traumatized by the water coming to them that they wanted no part in it.

At the end of the day we all said goodbye to Uncle E and Kathy. I will miss them but they had a great visit. I'm burned and exhausted and the girls need a shower and bed but they are still too excited to stop playing.

Our first squatting spot. Nice distance from the water, still close enough.

Where my brother and his girlfriend are standing is where we had our second squat spot. Our first was completely covered with water. Crazy!!

It's a dark photo but still cute.

An idea of how rough the water was, but it was still nice to go in.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Pictures :)

This is the Library Area. Exciting, I know :)

My theme is year is nature/outside. Here are 5 green and speckled frogs on their log :)

A little bit of creativity from one of the new staff members. Cute huh?

Part of my mural, I'll post more about it in a few.

Another part of the mural. The mother duck and ducklings I drew and colored out of posterboard using the book "Little Quack" has a subject. I think it looks nice inside the pond mural.

The entire Mural. Love it!

Circle Time!

My little room.

So excited to be done. Only took 34 hours and 3 days to get it done. I'm so sore but it looks very good ( I think anyway :) )

The mural was done by a friend and coworker and we added all the animals and ducks separately.

Ms. C and Ms. T both started today. I didn't like that Ms. L (my intended assistant) found out on her own what was going one. She kind of go upset.

Both new staff are very nice and I think they will do good. I don't know exactly if they understand what a room full of Toddlers is like but we will try our best I'm sure.