Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Today I went to the doctor. Not good news. I only have 3 follies now and they seemed to of stopped growing. Blood test revelled that my E2 (estrogen) and FSH (follicle stimulating Hormone) was low. Too low for someone doing meds to raise both of them. My body is not absorbing the meds!!! Of all the things that could go wrong! I am upset, but they have a plan and so far, ER is still Sat. Please pray for me.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
I finished my costume tonight. It's wierd looking but I don't think the toddlers will notice. I'm a bumblebee! I painted yellow stripes to a black shirt, wearing black pants and I have wings and antennaes.
Work is okay, although I wish I didn't have to go. My new maybe assistant showed up today. Her name is Lily, so I wonder if she's going to be with me or not. We'll see.
Last night I had a bit of a breakdown. Started crying that I could no longer do IVF. After this, I think I'm done. It's just too much. Maybe after a year (if this doesn't work) we'll rethink the situation, but I think after this, if we're still not pregnant, I quit. Being pregnant is something I want more than I want air, but I won't die if I don't have a baby and I have other options. My heart breaks when I say this to myself, but it's true. I'm already in therapy for this crap, what else can I do to myself.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Tomorrow is another doc appointment. I will get up at 530, leave at 630 drive half an hour to my docs and then drive the 40 min to work. My work day begins at 8 and ends at 5. Tomorrow I will be tired but I hope that it brings more good news.
Tonight, after getting my stim shot, I started crying. I don't think I can do this again. In fact, I know I don't want to do this again. I've been trying for 3 years and 6 months. That's a long time. I've done 2 IUI's and 3 attempts at IVF. I've spent so much money and if this doesn't work, and lets be realistic, it may not, then we are done. We'll relax with what we have and wait to see where are road takes us.
I'm going to bed. I need sleep.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
We went to see "Nightmare Before Christmas" and ate at PF Changs. It was good.
Now I'm worried about tomorrows ultrasound. He said he wanted to see them at 11-12 mm. I'm worried that they won't get there. The last time, they didn't. Only three broke away to grow and it was very slow. After 11 days of stims, three were about 18 mm and was not enough to continue. So we'll see what tomorrow brings. I'll update when I get home.
Tonight I'm going to eastern state pen. The day has arrived and i'm super excited. Not so much excited to get home around 2 and back up at 7 to go to the dr, but i'll survive. Also tomorrow, I have to get my costume completed. I decided to make mine instead of buy it basically becaue i'm not sure when ER is and if it falls on wednesday, which i doubt it will, i won't be out 50 bucks.
Ive been told today that i'm fiesty. LOL. Hows that for a mood. I think it's funny.
Friday, October 26, 2007
The photo to the side of this is my nightly dose. It's 4 vials of Bravelle and 2 vials of Menopur and the sterile water to mix it with. When I look at it, it's a little overwhelming but I did the injection already so I know it's over. For tonight.
I'm feeling pretty good today. It's probably because it's FRIDAY!!! I've been in a pretty good mood. My side has been a bit pinchy but that's a good sign. Means lots of follicles getting bigger.
On the home front, things are pretty good. Nothing really to complain about. For once.
My weekend is all planned out and it's going to be a busy one. I am going to the haunted Eastern State Penitentary on Sat night and I have a doctors appointment Sunday morning. My hubby is going to that one so it'll be even more the better.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
I'm sooooo cranky. Almost a mean cranky.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
I have my ultrasound at 7 am. They'll also go and do a blood test to check myE2 levels. They can't get to high or I'll over stimulate and that would be bad. I just want to see how many follies I have growing. I need 5 mature. 8-10 would be great, but i'm going to shoot for 5. 5 means they won't cancel.
Had a visit with my shrink. She helps with this whole process. I don't feel as depressed as I used to but I still feel it with me. Most days I'm happier in general.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Holy Headaches!! I am feeling way more than I felt the last two times. My friend at work says maybe thats the reason it's going to work this time. I swear I am so moody. I just want to tell everyone that even slighty bothers me to F*ck OFF!! Seriously. Also, the area below my belly button is so freakin' sore from getting stabbed every freakin morning and night. I know I'm whinning. Ask me if I care? So tonight is night 2 of stims. I do another tomorrow night and then Thursday they'll tell me how many I got growing. If I make it through this without killing someone, it'll be a miracle. I just sooooo cranky. I yelled at my husband for buying the crappy kind of junk food. You know, the 'lightly salted' chips and the 'fat free' pretzels..What the hell and I supposed to do with those? I'll just eat my dried apricots.
K. Head still hurts. Think I'll lay down.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
I've also been having a dull ache in my left side. Last time, that meant a cyst. I'm afraid that they will find one tomorrow. I am really trying to relax and I'm sure after tomorrow I'll be able to. I'm waiting for the docs office to call and schdule that this morning.
In a vain attempt to do something normal, my husband and I and the in-laws are going to breakfast this morning. It's nice to do a family get together. I wish I could bring my parents along but they live far. I miss my home, too. I'm sure this depression thing isn't helping but I'm still seeing my therapist, who is really really helping me.
The doc called and I'm in for tomorrow! I have my meds and they are going to go over them and make sure I have all of the things I need to start. I have some of it because I received it before my cycle was cancelled in July. I just need more this time.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
I've made up with my husband. I went to his job and we had a quiet lunch together, and I walked back to the house feeling pretty good. Last night I told him I hated him and didn't want to be married to him anymore and that I wanted to go back to Missouri and live there. Hormones, gotta love 'em. He took it in stride and although I know it hurt his feelings, he said he loved me and wanted to still be married to me, rubbed my back and was nice to me. Nice! Why? I guess he loves me. :) yay!
I've been crying a lot. The hormones are kicking my ass. When I'm not crying, I want to. Is it all worth it?
I think we are getting close to Cycle Day (CD) 1. CD 1 is when I get excited. I get to call the doctor and make an appointment for CD 3. CD 3, is where my dream ended in July. July, I go into to the docs office and lay on the table for the ultrasound. I tell him how my meds are ready and we are ready to do it again. CD 3 was when he turned the monitor towards me and had me look at a very large dark shadow where my ovary should of been and tells me that it's full of blood, there is no follicles (eggs) in sight and that we can not continue with the cycle. IVF #2, cancelled. Just like IVF #1, when I got in, all excited to see my eggs growing and he tells me there are only 3, not enough to continue and cancelled it. Now we are approaching CD 3, I've been doing shots for 9 days now.
I don't know why, but I'm kind of afraid to talk about it. People know I'm doing it, but when it comes to talking about it, I can't. I've always been very open about it but this month I can't. I'm afraid to open up and share the good news. Back in May, I wanted to tell everyone "I have 20 follicles growing!! I'm doing a great job!" but apparently I wasn't because it was cancelled because all but 3 decided to stop growing.
Monday or Tuesday I'll go in for my bloodwork and ultrasound and we'll see what comes of it.
I've been wanting to go to eastern state Pen for a long time and I finally may get to go but tickets are 30 per person and that's a lot. We'll see.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
I'm excited to start but I'm afraid. I'm afraid to death that it will be cancelled before I get to try and I'm also afraid that I'll try and then it will be cancelled. All in all, I'm afraid it will be cancelled. I don't know what I will do if I make it to ER and then find out that I have embryo's. I can imagine it will be amazing and I'll be happy but then when we move into ET, I'll be nervous that the embryo's won't be able to find a comfy spot and settle in for the next 9 months. I find myself getting overwhelmed just thinking about it. Monday should be my first blood test.
Lets move on to another subject. Work. Work is good. Kids are good. I've been working long hours. 7:15 to 5. I've been sleepy.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Friday, October 12, 2007
Work is going extremely well. The kids are great. Not as great as my last bunch but great.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Work is good.
Life is good.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
I'm getting over a stomach virus. Other than that, everything is the same.
Work is going much better. I like the kids. I haven't seen them much in the last week but they are getting better.
Monday, October 1, 2007
My IVF cycle is almost here. Nine more days!! I'm excited to finally get started. It's been 3 years and 6 months since my hubby and I said "Let's have a baby!" Well we are still saying it.
One thing I have to write about is the couple that forgot about their baby in the car. HOw in the hell do you forget about your child?! i don't get it. It doesn't make sense.