Monday, December 31, 2007
I called my grandma today and I talked to her about Billy for awhile. It was hard listening to my grandma cry. She must be hurting so much. I just wanted to hug her. Life can be so hard...
Sunday, December 30, 2007
On a sadder note, my cousin Billy died last night. My mom called when we were out to dinner and told me. It was sad, but it made me numb. I didn't know how to react. At first, I don't think I believed it. But as the night progressed, it became very clear that we lost one of our cousins.
I was the first grandchild born to Clyde and Mary. Then came Luke, Marlin, Timothy, Eric, Samuel, Billy, John, Robert, Kayla, Nicky, Christian, Hannah and Joshua.
We grew up together. Spent every Christmas together. Stayed for days wearing my Grandparents out. We all lived not a mile from each other. Now one of us is gone. How do you wrap yourself around that? As these thoughts churned in my head, my tears started. All I could think was "His poor mother. What she must be going through." All parents love their children but she really loved Billy. Not in a wierd way, just as a "he's my life". Both of her children are.
I used to babysit Billy and last night all I could hear him say was "Tina, don't you think the Dodge Ram is the best truck. It is right? When I get bigger I'm going to get one of them" He did. I'm not sure if he ever bought his Dodge Ram before his love of motorcycles came into the picture. He died in a motorcycle crash.....
George William "Billy" Cowen, 22 years old, you will be missed.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
My next appointment is on Jan 15th. I will be doing the NT scan. They'll be checking everything, making sure the babies are growing the right way. I'm somewhat nervous but I have the Lord on my side and I know he's taking care of my babies. They are a gift from him, afterall.
Took my first bath since I've gotten pregnant and it was wonderful! Just had to add that.
Hmmmmmmmmm, I always have stuff I want to talk about but when I get signed on, it disappears. OH I remember.
Told my family on Christmas that I was expecting two babies in the summer. My mom, sisters and brother was happy for me. My dad said he was happy if I was happy but had lots of reasons why I shouldn't be. I'm still over the moon in love with my babies and I'm sure he will be soon, as once as he meets them.
My sister got engaged this weekend. I'm not usually selfish but I wanted my news to be the only news shared at the time. I wanted it to be talked about and thought about alone. I know how it sounds but it took me almost 4 years to get pregnant and I've dreamed about this moment forever. I got my moment and it was great!
Saturday, December 22, 2007
My intuition says i'm having two boys but I had a dream it was one of each. I'm not sure which one is right.
I've gained 3 pounds in 2 days. I guess I held it off as long as I could. OH well...grow babies grow!
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
Saturday, December 15, 2007
I can't wait to share with the world. Last night at the work party, I wanted to take the mic and yell "I'm having twins". Instead I absent mindedly mentioned it to someone I never talk to and not sure I can trust. When she asked when I had given birth, I dumbly responded I hadn't yet. She started saying congrats and I told her to shhhh. She's a baby so hopefully she'll understand and mums the word.
Saturday, December 8, 2007
I graduated from my RE on thursday. I was kind of upset about it because I thought I had more time there. Graduating is an excellent thing, don't get me wrong, but it was still sad. I've been there for two years and it's finally paid off but I said my goodbyes and left. My RE said he would check up on me to see how I was doing during my pregnancy so that was nice.
I made my first appointment with an OB. I found one named Dr. Lin Vikner. I didn't know if this person was male or female but SHE fits the hospital affiliations I have narrowed it down too. I want either Hackensack or Valley. I'm leaning more on The Valley Hospital because they just seem so wonderful and my RE is with them so that makes me more comfortable. I hope she does another u/s and realizes what a pain in the ass patient I am going to be. These are my babies and I want to make sure everything is okay all the time.
I'm also hoping to be out of work by May. My job is stressful and physically demanding and exhausting. I'm not sure how I'll do it pregnant with twins. I see women pregnant with a singleton and the struggle to make it til the month before and just last week one of the girls' water broke in the bathroom and shes was a month early. Her baby is doing great though.
Seems I've been having nightmares lately. I know dreams change when you get pregnant. They become more vivid, a little scary but these are awful.
Thursday, December 6, 2007
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
I'm feeling pregnant. I have started the lovely morning sickness. I wake up with my stomach turning, it stops around noon and starts again in the evening. I force myself to eat and try to not think about what I'm eating because if I do, I won't eat it. I've lost 2 pounds already but I gained 5 doing IVF so that's ok. It's just water. I'm 6w3d today, at least by my calculations. The dr's will tell me tomorrow what I really am. I think my boobs have definately increased in size. Being a D already, I'm a little nervous about getting bigger. Veins are starting to show and they are sensitive to the touch. I'm a little sensitive and have been getting upset, either angry or weepy, quickly. My hair doesn't fall out in the shower anymore and people think I've done something with it. I think it's great! The last one..I'm exhausted. When I close my eyes, sometimes I don't think they are going to open. Even at work with lots of kiddies running around.
I think I'll close and go to bed. I have to be up at 530 am tomorrow to drive through the snow to my dr's office and it's been a rollercoaster day.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
I'm 5 weeks today!! 1 month and 1 week. I feels great! In honor of week 5, I went out and bought a digital (they're expensive!) and took it. It said Pregnant! Not that I didn't think it would, but in the past (back when I thought it would be easy), I would run to the store, buy the digital and run to the bathroom to take it. Little did I know that these test are the worst to buy because they aren't as sensitive. So every dame time this thing would say "Not Pregnant" and it would be a knife to the heart. I vowed that when I did get pregnant, the first thing I would do is take a digital and have my revenge. It was sweet. I felt like I was finding out for the first time. My hubby didn't understand. He said (in his usually sarcastic way): " So, you take 2 test that come up postive, the RE himself calls you to tell you that the beta was postive and then the nurse calls to say congrats and schedules you and ultrasound and you don't believe it. But, you go and take a digital and now you believe it?" Oh he doesn't understand :)
I've gained 5.8 pounds. This isn't good. I didn't want to gain any in the first month, as you don't have too. I've too sensitive about gaining weight right now. I still have 8 months to go and I've already gained 5 of 25 I should gain. Maybe it's water weight because I haven't changed my style of eating. If anything, I've eaten less. My meals are healthy (well except last night..I had shepards pie..it was goood). but I had brocolli with it.
Those are my ramblings for today. Have a great one!
Friday, November 23, 2007
So I went shopping today. I had a blast and spent lots of money. I think I shopped for everyone though!
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
I can not express how happy I am. God gave me something I already love with all my heart. It's been 47 months since starting this journey.......Thanks be to God.
I've been feeling pretty crampy, with twinges and pulling. I don't know what 'Eggbert' is doing in there but I'm sure he's getting comfy, or at least that's what I'm praying for. Our ultrasound is next Thursday and I'm kind of nervous at what we see.
My back is hurting for all the gas I have suddenly decided to have. Don't know why I'm gassy. Maybe something I ate. My ribs feel like they are being pulled apart. None of it is departing. At this point, it can leave whichever way it chooses :). TMI sorry..
Monday, November 19, 2007
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Yesterday at work, I decided to help one of my Toddlers by lifting her. She just happens to be a pretty big girl and I felt my lower pelvic area give a cramp. It eased after a few seconds and I didn't think anything of it. About ten minutes later I went to use the potty to find red on the toilet paper. Fear gripped me. I sat there thinking "Spotting is normal" and I started telling myself, "just sit here a minute longer and then wipe. So I did. More red. Not pink, not light but red and lots of it. I started to panic a little more. I thought I'd sit and try to relax. Took deep breaths then it dawned on me that I would of started my period today if I wasn't on the PIO shots. That really hit me hard. Then I wiped again and again...more red. It wasn't stopping.
I went into my classroom and I felt like I was going to suffocate in there. The walls closed in and all I could think was "I just spent 15,000 dollars on something that is over. I didn't even make it to beta day" . The tears started. I couldn't hold them back. My kids were outside playing and my assistant was with them. I went to the only private place in the building..My boss' office. I sat in the chair and she looked at me. I said "I'm bleeding. It's over" and started bawling. She gave me a pep talk and told me I should go home and cry and call the doctor because I wouldn't be any help to the children in the state I was in. Head bowed, I talked to my assistant and she gave me a hug and I went home. Called my dr and waited.
He called back and said that some bleeding is normal, I should take the day off tomorrow (today) and call him if the bleeding continues. My p4 was normal so there was no increase in PIO shots. I also had a therapy appointment last night. She said that I should take the time off and tell myself over and over that I'm pregnant. It's okay to spot.
I went home, used the restroom again, only to see nothing on the paper. Nothing. No brown, no pink, no nothing. I breathed a sigh of relief. I'm staying home today. I'm relaxing. Nothing to stress about. I'm okay. I'm still pregnant (if only in my mind) and I'm okay. The brown is back this morning but I'm okay.
Today is cycle day 26. I'm 6dp5dt. I am sooo poas this saturday!
Saturday, November 10, 2007
Friday, November 9, 2007
Thursday, November 8, 2007
- I met my husband on Yahoo.com while sitting in the computer room at my college 1100 miles away from him.
- I don't care for chocolate.
- I am terrified, and I mean irrationally 'knock everyone and everything out of my way to get away', from spiders. Doesn't matter how big or invisible, if it resembles, I'm gone.
- I have the biggest crush on David Boreanez (Angel, Sealy Booth).
- Most of my ancestors are Native American (a few different tribes) but my great great grandma was Ugaslovian.
- My favorite movie of all time is "Gone With the Wind" .
- I would have cheesecake for dinner everyday if I wouldn't gain any weight.
- All the organs on my right side that I don't need for life have been removed. Ovary, Fallopian tube, appendix and gallbladder.
Here are my eight. I'm really hoping the links worked. I had to teach myself how to do it.
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
I'm going to work today and I'm kind of looking foward to it. I am working tomorrow and Wednesday then I am taking the rest of the week off. This Friday is my mom's birthday, Sat is my friends then on Monday I get my blood test for the progesterone, then I'm going away the next weekend, then it will be the 19th. The Big Blood Test! Seems I will be able to keep my mind busy for the next week and a half. I know the blood test will only help, but I won't be comfortable unti after an 8 week scan.
So far, my embabies are tucked away in a lab in Paramus and should be sleeping :) I haven't gotten any word that they stopped growing and I really hope it doesn't come. We want them to all survive. I know all I need is One and I want two, but wouldn't it be nice if they all made it?
I just need to add that without God, none of this would be possible. Praise the Lord for all the good he has done so far. I know in my heart that this is possibly it for me. I will be a mommy when this is over and if it isn't there is another reason....
Monday, November 5, 2007
Egg Transfer is on Friday, which is my mothers birthday. That makes it extra special.
Sunday, November 4, 2007
The entire was procedure was amazing. I was put to sleep but the time the anethesiologist and the RE spent with me was assuring and comforting. My RE stayed in eye sight the whole time :). When I woke up, he was right there. I liked that he went right outside and informed my husband that he had gotten 5 and that I was recovering. It was just wonderful.
So now I'm sitting at home, getting ready to go to bed again. I'm extremely sore and taking tomorrow off. All is good.
My back is still uncomfortable. I didn't sleep very well and I was tossing and turning all night. It is amazing for me that I have actually gotten to this point in my life and I am so happy to be there even though I complain a lot. I haven't been that moody this weekend. Friday I was but that was stress. I'm thirsty but there is nothing I can do about it being that the rule is "no food or drink after midnight" geez i'm not a gremlin...j/k.
The thought are running through my head "Is it going to work" "Are there going to be enough eggs" "Are they going to be good enough" " Are they going to mature" "Am I going to make it to ET" ???????????
I will find out today. I will post when I get up but I'm not sure when that will be. It's 45 minutes until i get up and get ready so I guess I'll find a way to occupy myself.
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Moving on, I am so uncomfortable. I am bloated, I feel like my bladder is filled to busting and when I try to go, I don't have to go. My back is aching and I'm tired. It hurts to sit, too tired to stand, just miserable. Thank God I only have the one ovary. Could you imagine if I had two?
IVF hasn't been a pleasent expierence so i'm glad it's coming to an end. My ET is set up for either Wed or Fri but we are thinking and hoping for Fri. We'll know on Monday when it's going to be.
We went for the ER consultation and she explained the procedure.
- Took HCG shot at midnight 11/3 (usually 11, but hour change this weekend). Check.
- Went in for Bloodwork to confirm enough of shot has been absorbed. Check.
- No food after midnight tonight.
- Return to RE tomorrow morning at 9 to meet with anethesiologist.
- ER will be at 10:00 am, preformed by MY RE. Yay.
- When I wake up, they'll let me know how many eggs they got.
- Hubby will have to give a great sample.
Okay. So we're good to go. I'm pretty happy. They want me to relax and take it easy. I can't drive until noon on monday. I won't be going to work.
This morning, I picked up a copy of "New Jersey" magazine and the cover said "Top Doctors" and on the cover was my RE!!! I couldn't believe it.
Friday, November 2, 2007
Thursday, November 1, 2007
This morning as my doc was measuring my follies I said "You know, It only takes one good egg." He smiled and replied "Not for IVF." lol, ok.
It's November. Only eight weeks left of 2007. I'd really really like to be pregnant before 2008.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Today I went to the doctor. Not good news. I only have 3 follies now and they seemed to of stopped growing. Blood test revelled that my E2 (estrogen) and FSH (follicle stimulating Hormone) was low. Too low for someone doing meds to raise both of them. My body is not absorbing the meds!!! Of all the things that could go wrong! I am upset, but they have a plan and so far, ER is still Sat. Please pray for me.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
I finished my costume tonight. It's wierd looking but I don't think the toddlers will notice. I'm a bumblebee! I painted yellow stripes to a black shirt, wearing black pants and I have wings and antennaes.
Work is okay, although I wish I didn't have to go. My new maybe assistant showed up today. Her name is Lily, so I wonder if she's going to be with me or not. We'll see.
Last night I had a bit of a breakdown. Started crying that I could no longer do IVF. After this, I think I'm done. It's just too much. Maybe after a year (if this doesn't work) we'll rethink the situation, but I think after this, if we're still not pregnant, I quit. Being pregnant is something I want more than I want air, but I won't die if I don't have a baby and I have other options. My heart breaks when I say this to myself, but it's true. I'm already in therapy for this crap, what else can I do to myself.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Tomorrow is another doc appointment. I will get up at 530, leave at 630 drive half an hour to my docs and then drive the 40 min to work. My work day begins at 8 and ends at 5. Tomorrow I will be tired but I hope that it brings more good news.
Tonight, after getting my stim shot, I started crying. I don't think I can do this again. In fact, I know I don't want to do this again. I've been trying for 3 years and 6 months. That's a long time. I've done 2 IUI's and 3 attempts at IVF. I've spent so much money and if this doesn't work, and lets be realistic, it may not, then we are done. We'll relax with what we have and wait to see where are road takes us.
I'm going to bed. I need sleep.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
Saturday, October 27, 2007
We went to see "Nightmare Before Christmas" and ate at PF Changs. It was good.
Now I'm worried about tomorrows ultrasound. He said he wanted to see them at 11-12 mm. I'm worried that they won't get there. The last time, they didn't. Only three broke away to grow and it was very slow. After 11 days of stims, three were about 18 mm and was not enough to continue. So we'll see what tomorrow brings. I'll update when I get home.
Tonight I'm going to eastern state pen. The day has arrived and i'm super excited. Not so much excited to get home around 2 and back up at 7 to go to the dr, but i'll survive. Also tomorrow, I have to get my costume completed. I decided to make mine instead of buy it basically becaue i'm not sure when ER is and if it falls on wednesday, which i doubt it will, i won't be out 50 bucks.
Ive been told today that i'm fiesty. LOL. Hows that for a mood. I think it's funny.
Friday, October 26, 2007
The photo to the side of this is my nightly dose. It's 4 vials of Bravelle and 2 vials of Menopur and the sterile water to mix it with. When I look at it, it's a little overwhelming but I did the injection already so I know it's over. For tonight.
I'm feeling pretty good today. It's probably because it's FRIDAY!!! I've been in a pretty good mood. My side has been a bit pinchy but that's a good sign. Means lots of follicles getting bigger.
On the home front, things are pretty good. Nothing really to complain about. For once.
My weekend is all planned out and it's going to be a busy one. I am going to the haunted Eastern State Penitentary on Sat night and I have a doctors appointment Sunday morning. My hubby is going to that one so it'll be even more the better.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
I'm sooooo cranky. Almost a mean cranky.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
I have my ultrasound at 7 am. They'll also go and do a blood test to check myE2 levels. They can't get to high or I'll over stimulate and that would be bad. I just want to see how many follies I have growing. I need 5 mature. 8-10 would be great, but i'm going to shoot for 5. 5 means they won't cancel.
Had a visit with my shrink. She helps with this whole process. I don't feel as depressed as I used to but I still feel it with me. Most days I'm happier in general.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Holy Headaches!! I am feeling way more than I felt the last two times. My friend at work says maybe thats the reason it's going to work this time. I swear I am so moody. I just want to tell everyone that even slighty bothers me to F*ck OFF!! Seriously. Also, the area below my belly button is so freakin' sore from getting stabbed every freakin morning and night. I know I'm whinning. Ask me if I care? So tonight is night 2 of stims. I do another tomorrow night and then Thursday they'll tell me how many I got growing. If I make it through this without killing someone, it'll be a miracle. I just sooooo cranky. I yelled at my husband for buying the crappy kind of junk food. You know, the 'lightly salted' chips and the 'fat free' pretzels..What the hell and I supposed to do with those? I'll just eat my dried apricots.
K. Head still hurts. Think I'll lay down.
Monday, October 22, 2007
Sunday, October 21, 2007
I've also been having a dull ache in my left side. Last time, that meant a cyst. I'm afraid that they will find one tomorrow. I am really trying to relax and I'm sure after tomorrow I'll be able to. I'm waiting for the docs office to call and schdule that this morning.
In a vain attempt to do something normal, my husband and I and the in-laws are going to breakfast this morning. It's nice to do a family get together. I wish I could bring my parents along but they live far. I miss my home, too. I'm sure this depression thing isn't helping but I'm still seeing my therapist, who is really really helping me.
The doc called and I'm in for tomorrow! I have my meds and they are going to go over them and make sure I have all of the things I need to start. I have some of it because I received it before my cycle was cancelled in July. I just need more this time.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
I've made up with my husband. I went to his job and we had a quiet lunch together, and I walked back to the house feeling pretty good. Last night I told him I hated him and didn't want to be married to him anymore and that I wanted to go back to Missouri and live there. Hormones, gotta love 'em. He took it in stride and although I know it hurt his feelings, he said he loved me and wanted to still be married to me, rubbed my back and was nice to me. Nice! Why? I guess he loves me. :) yay!
I've been crying a lot. The hormones are kicking my ass. When I'm not crying, I want to. Is it all worth it?
I think we are getting close to Cycle Day (CD) 1. CD 1 is when I get excited. I get to call the doctor and make an appointment for CD 3. CD 3, is where my dream ended in July. July, I go into to the docs office and lay on the table for the ultrasound. I tell him how my meds are ready and we are ready to do it again. CD 3 was when he turned the monitor towards me and had me look at a very large dark shadow where my ovary should of been and tells me that it's full of blood, there is no follicles (eggs) in sight and that we can not continue with the cycle. IVF #2, cancelled. Just like IVF #1, when I got in, all excited to see my eggs growing and he tells me there are only 3, not enough to continue and cancelled it. Now we are approaching CD 3, I've been doing shots for 9 days now.
I don't know why, but I'm kind of afraid to talk about it. People know I'm doing it, but when it comes to talking about it, I can't. I've always been very open about it but this month I can't. I'm afraid to open up and share the good news. Back in May, I wanted to tell everyone "I have 20 follicles growing!! I'm doing a great job!" but apparently I wasn't because it was cancelled because all but 3 decided to stop growing.
Monday or Tuesday I'll go in for my bloodwork and ultrasound and we'll see what comes of it.
I've been wanting to go to eastern state Pen for a long time and I finally may get to go but tickets are 30 per person and that's a lot. We'll see.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
I'm excited to start but I'm afraid. I'm afraid to death that it will be cancelled before I get to try and I'm also afraid that I'll try and then it will be cancelled. All in all, I'm afraid it will be cancelled. I don't know what I will do if I make it to ER and then find out that I have embryo's. I can imagine it will be amazing and I'll be happy but then when we move into ET, I'll be nervous that the embryo's won't be able to find a comfy spot and settle in for the next 9 months. I find myself getting overwhelmed just thinking about it. Monday should be my first blood test.
Lets move on to another subject. Work. Work is good. Kids are good. I've been working long hours. 7:15 to 5. I've been sleepy.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Friday, October 12, 2007
Work is going extremely well. The kids are great. Not as great as my last bunch but great.
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
Work is good.
Life is good.
Saturday, October 6, 2007
I'm getting over a stomach virus. Other than that, everything is the same.
Work is going much better. I like the kids. I haven't seen them much in the last week but they are getting better.
Monday, October 1, 2007
My IVF cycle is almost here. Nine more days!! I'm excited to finally get started. It's been 3 years and 6 months since my hubby and I said "Let's have a baby!" Well we are still saying it.
One thing I have to write about is the couple that forgot about their baby in the car. HOw in the hell do you forget about your child?! i don't get it. It doesn't make sense.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
I start my third IVF try in 13 days!!! I've got the birth control and the lurpon. I start the birth control tonight and the lupron on Oct 10th. Really excited for it to be underway.
Everything else is good. I've been sleepy a lot because I'm drained from work and I did a little babysitting and working overtime. I'm just tired. I'm tired right now and I just woke up. Saturday I plan on sleeping like a baby and not getting up until noon. Right. We'll see if that works, since I'm the kind of sleeper that if the sun is down, i'm down. When it comes up, I get up. I should change that.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
On to IVF stuff!! Less than four weeks until I start my third round of IVF!!!!! I am so happy! I feel like I may have a real shot this time. I don't have any pain from the ovary, so I'm hoping that the cyst has completely disappeared, leaving tons of room to grow some eggies. I'm feeling pretty good, except for the stomach eating ulcer that work has formed but you can't cancel IVF for that! I'm just so happy to be in a count down...Oct 10 here i come!
I haven't lost any weight this week..it's been 5 days and not a pound. My therapist has told me that I need to stop my "now or never" outlook on life.. Guess we should start with weight loss. The "slowly but surely way" isn't working for me though.
I had a training hours this morning from 7:15-12:00. Geez, I've been doing this job for almost 9 years and I'm still training for it. I swear "Early Childhood Educators" should get paid A LOT more for all the crap that we have to deal with. Sorry, I'm not being fair. Other people work hard and are underpaid but today I had to listen to the speaker compare my job to the job of a dr. He kept saying that it's the same thing!!! HA! If what I do is just as important (which I truly believe it is) as a dr, then why is this profession the lowest paying one? Most people make less than a McDonald's employee!
Alright. I've had my vents for the day. One day this will go back to my IVF journal :) Very soon !
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
For the weight journal, I'm down 14 pounds (since feb) !! I stepped on the scale and saw that 3 more pounds have melted (I gained a few during my trip to Atlantic City) and I almost fainted with excitement. Yay!!
I've been having some annoying twitching in my face and other muscles. I think it's from stress. I tried to diagnose myself on web md but all they have are bells palsy and seisures. I know I don' t have either of those.
Well I'm off to work. This sucks.. Why do I do this???
Monday, September 3, 2007
Our dinner reservations were for 8:30 pm. That was the earliest we got. It was called "Casa de Napoli" and it was sooooooo good. I had chicken parm and he had chicken ravioli with alfredo sauce. We played a bit more in the casino and then about midnight, we headed back to our room. Here comes the trouble.
We arrive a little after midnight and our key card isn't working. So here we are, standing outside, late, in a strange place, next to the woods and we can't get into our room. I walk up to where the guy is supposed to be at and the door is locked and there's a sign on the desk that says "Be back in a few minutes". What!!!! So after pounding, knocking and ringing the bell, I give up and walk back to where my hubby is standing. After few minutes, I really get upset. I have to pee. So I walk back and start my banging again. I know nobody has entered the building but someone has to see me..right? Well a loud buzzer sounds and I turn the knob. As i walk in, a man bounces up from behind the desk. "May I help you" he says with a smile.
Well after another half hour, he finally gets us into our room. We pass out.
Sunday 9:00 am, someone starts pounding on the door. Never mind the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door. I yell "Sleeping!!" What's the natural thing to do? Walk in. Yeah. The maid let herself in. Check out is not until Noon!! So I yell at her. We're in bed. Thankfully dressed, but still I don't want her in my room. Because I had put the chain on, she didn't get far and left. Nice.
We checked out about an hour later. Why bother going back to sleep. We will never stay there again. Comment card filled out...check!
So we went back to beach..so warm! It was wonderful. We played in the casino, had lunch in a very nice place in the mall called "The Continental" mmmmm..
Okay so to wrap it up, we left with 250 $$ in our pocket, we only used debit at two resturants and left with 95 $$. Not bad for three full days of fun! I've gained only 3 pounds, but hey it was bound to happen.
School starts tomorrow. I get to meet a whole other bunch of children, ready to torture me for the next year :) j/k. I'm excited but nervous. I always am because they cry alot. I'm always excited about getting into september because October comes then and then I can start my IVF cycle again. Then this blog will be back to me talking about that.
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
September is almost there. That means that Oct 10 is coming a lot closer. Oct 10 is the day I start IVF#3!
Okay, well I need a shower and a bed.
Saturday, August 25, 2007
Yesterday I said bye to all my kids. I'm going to miss that class. They were really really great. I know who I'm getting next year but not officially. How can I not know who I'm getting this year. .
I think the pamprin is kickin in so I'm going shopping!!
Thursday, August 23, 2007
I went to my therapy last night and we talked about approval of one another blah blah. I don't need people's approval. Then we talked about being a perfectionist and how I may not fit into the approval seeking area but definately into the "World should be perfect and if it's not, I'll make it that way" area. I never thought of myself as a perfectionist but when I think about it, I do try to make everything out to be "the way it should be" Should is a word I am not supposed to using because it raises my anxiety. I basically see everyone as "Good" . When they do bad things, it throws me off because that is not the way It should be..ahh that word again. Like I should be a mother now because it's been three and a half years!! So now I'm dealing with the fact that I'm not supposed to be a perfectionist and if I want to feel better, I can't be that way anymore. I just learned this last night. Well...I can't change over night.
In work news, I just found out who my new assistants are going to be this year. One is a woman of 37 who has worked with children for over 10 years..she is so great with them and the other is about 21 and had expierence in a center working with infants, but she's very nice. I think this year will go well. I will have the pleasure of yet again working 830-530 mon - fri. Yay. I really want her to change my hours, but she won't. She keeps saying all lead teachers must work those hours. Well out of nine, only four actually do. Funny. Well I'm goin to be late for work.
In dieting news, writing down what I eat..not happening. I tried, didn't work. I've lost another pound though, making the total 13!! Yay.
Anyone reading...Have a wonderful day!!!!
Monday, August 20, 2007
I didn't write this..I read it on beliefnet.com. There were a few prayers on there that touched me but I liked this one. I find myself questioning my faith and wondering if it's strong. I am trying to rebuild my faith and make it strong again and put the pain and suffering I have felt over this infertility in the past.
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Monday marks the last week with my kids. I've been with these children since Sept 5th. I'm going to miss them. It's been nice watching them grow and learn. I was able to potty train most of them. They were a really good class. Individually they were a handful but as a class they were cooperative and easy going. My new class is coming in next Tuesday and I can only hope for the best.
This will be my third year as a lead teacher in the Toddler Program and I think I'm learning a lot from them. I felt the first year was chaos because I had never lead a Toddler Program before so the year was not a good one. Lots of headaches and time outs. However, I did learn and I used what I learned to lead a very successful year. Now I can take what I learned from the last two years, apply what works and what stop what didn't and this year can only be better.
I went into the tinytot rooms to view my future kids and they seem to be good kids. But every teacher disagrees with the way the other does things. I listen to their present teachers complain about this one or that one and I ignore it because I do things differently and they might act differently for me, therefore, I don't get a preconcieved idea of how they are going to act.
On the fertility, or lack there of, side of things, I'm still waiting for Oct 10th to come along. Not much to update on. It's going to be a long wait.
Saturday, August 18, 2007
On a different note, My neighbor, who lives across the street, has an adorable little girl. I watch them from my office desk go in and out of their home. Sound creepy? It probably is. I'm so jealous sometimes. I don't mean to sin (the jealousy, not the stalkerish thing) but she has an adorable daughter, a cute dog, just moved into a nice, new, just built home and a nice husband. ( I like my husband just fine, I just had to add that in) and she gets to be a stay at home mom. She basically just takes her to the park (down the road) and goes shopping, walks the dog, etc.. Why can't I have that???
Well, that brings me to my next thought. "Life's Not Fair". My therapist made me say that to make myself believe it. For one..YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL A PERSON GOING THROUGH INFERTILITY that LIFES NOT FAIR. Trust me. We know. I tried to explain that to her but she kept saying "You need to let yourself know that lifes not fair and except it." How do you except that the drug addicted 16 year old homeless person can get pregnant and not myself. I know that good things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people, bad people get bad things and good people get good things. I know the world doesn't owe me a baby but it would be nice to have the ability to chose to have one and chose when and around the part of the year. Not due 9 months from whenever they put the embryo's back in.
Well I guess I should end this....for breakfast I had 1 cup of grapes, a banana and ACK! half a donut. In my defense they were there but I only ate half. Tonight is not looking good. We are going to the brazillion bbq. Where they feed you endlessly for 30$ Good thing my stomach doesn't hold that much.
Thursday, August 16, 2007
Monday, August 13, 2007
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Monday, April 30, 2007
Monday, April 16, 2007
Saturday, April 14, 2007
I'm very excited because we are going on vacation in three days! Going home to Missouri to spend a week and half doing whatever we wish. I hope to see the Titanic Museum in Branson and hiking through Ha Ha Tanka. I also can't wait to see my family. It's been so long.
When we get home, we start our IVF cycle. I really really hope it works. I want to be a mommy so bad. My hubby and I have been married for almost 4 years and I think it's time to add on to our family. Dealing with this infertility has been extremely hard for us but I see an end and it's beautiful!