Monday, November 21, 2011

I've been dx .. what do i do now?

Okay things have been going downhill. Fast. I still hadn't sought treatment for those feelings I was having .. until today.

Something happened at work between my boss and I. She wants me to switch lesson plans around. This weekend was a bad one for me. Spent most of it in bed. Didn't want to be a mom or a wife. Couldn't eat. Woke up feeling worse.

I turned and looked at her then shut the door in her face. Everyone that knows me knows I am NEVER disrespectful. It's not in blood. I can't disrespect anyone and I won't. Today I did and I did it with as much of myself as I could and I as soon as I got to my room, a sub came in because I was to report to the office asap.

My boss said I looked at her with no emotion and that I should go to the dr and seek treatment. I yelled at her. I've been trying to get off work for months now to go.

I have PPD. I was dx when the the girls were 6 months or so I believe and I took the meds for the month but felt better.

I know I've been off for awhile but I consider myself strong. I can take it. I put it in my huge "bucket" and carried it around. I know my old therapist would say "Your bucket tipped today, huh?" I started crying. I cried most of the day. I left the girls at school and went to see "Breaking Dawn" (which I LOVED btw and Eclipse is my FAVE!).

*and NO I won't be waiting in no crazy lines ;)

I know I'm a good mom and I know I'm a good teacher. I assume that what happened with V and his arm might of pushed me off the edge. I'm on a larger dose of meds than I've ever been on but I trust my dr.

I just want to feel myself again. I'm so over this depression thing.

2 comments:

Patty said...

You're doing the right thing, Tina. We're all here for you and praying. You're an amazing mother and teacher, but that doesn't mean you don't need help sometimes. <3

Cassie said...

Tina, you are on my mind and in my heart. You're doing what you need to do, and Patty's right: There is no shame in needing help. I will be praying that you get what you need.