New Years Eve..

We went out to dinner tonight. It was very nice. We haven't been out for awhile. The girls sat in the chairs. No high chair or booster. That took a little getting used to haha. They sat like little ladies and even put a napkin on their lap like mommy did. It was cute. Karly stole my knife when I turned to help Katie and when I tried to get it back she moved her arm away from me. Donald tried to grab it and she nearly stabbed herself in the face. Scared the crap out of us. I got her to give me the knife by using a line from my parents "If you don't give it to me now, we are going into the bathroom and you're getting a smack on the butt." She gave me the knife then yelled at the top of lungs "You're not my best friend anymore mommy!". At least she no longer had the knife.

I had to take the girls to the dr for a horrible cough. She told me it was because of household cleaners and she gave them steroids. Tonight Karly has a 102. I called her on call line like she told me too and still haven't gotten a response.


We are letting the girls stay up as long as they will and tomorrow we are hoping they are sleeping in. Donald has to work and my mother in law is going to watch them so I can go shopping with a friend. Nothing like a little retail therapy to start the New Year :)

Happy New Year! Have a safe and fun one!

More changes..

I've started noticing the changes in myself.

I am still having trouble starting the day but I'm never ready to end the day. I used to be so exhausted by the end of the day that I didn't want to be bothered and I'd go straight to bed. I have more energy.


I am happier. Nothing seems to bother me nearly as much and the nerve everyone seemed to enjoy jumping on seems to of numbed or something.

I no longer want to leave my husband. This was something I had a lot of trouble coming out with. I wanted a divorce. I thought I no longer loved him. I didn't know if it was because I was going through so much on the inside and he never understood or seemed to try to help or what but I thought a divorce was the best option. Now that I feel better I can't believe I thought that. He knows what I was thinking. I'd said it to him many times. He's stayed strong and loyal and I love him for that.

Peace ..

Today I miss my family but I realized something ..

That heavy weight is gone. Today is beautiful. It's not just Christmas. I feel like someone else. My old self.

Yesterday we went to my best friends house. We've gone there for Christmas Eve since I've moved here. She has two kids, I have two kids. We cook, we open gifts, we have a little wine, we laugh, we just have fun. Last night was no different.

We baked cookies with the girls and made these great snowballs (rice krispie balls rolled in powdered sugar). We had tons of food. I played Twilight with my "Niece" and another friend. I won, of course, lol.

The kids played Dance Party or some kind of dance game on the Wii. The girls had no idea what they were doing but with all the giggling it didn't even matter.

This morning they opened their gifts. We got them those Figits that are way overpriced but that was the hit of the day. They like their LeapPads but not as much. They like the baby crib and their slippers.

It's been a very good day.

Merry Christmas and I hope everyone reading has a blessed New Year.

This might be long .. :)

You can't say I didn't warn you :) I thought maybe I should update my blog on how my girls are doing since this blog is technically about them.

Katie

Wow. Katie has some personality. She's very strong willed, stubborn, extremely bright and funny .. well most of the time SHE thinks she's funny. She has started with the "I don't love you anymore .. " That's always awesome to hear. Her two favorite songs are "Moves like Jagger" and "Red Solo Cup" I know I know, I'm an awesome mother haha. She heard the Jagger song on tv and started dancing to it. It was so funny we just kept playing the song and now she can sing the chorus. It's so funny. I love "Red Solo Cup" so that's how she caught one. She walks around singing "Red solo cup, I lift you up, lets have a party... mommy what do we do at the party?" haha

She's also picked up on a few accidentally used words. One night I was in a particularly bad mood and Karly spilled her milk on the rug. I said "Are you F** kidding me?" under my breath and Katie heard it and repeated it. A few days later I was coming her hair before school and she saw the new bottle of soap on the sink and said "Mommy, why is the F** soap blue?" I was stuck between mortified and laughing my butt off. I don't think it's cute for kids to curse and after we had a talk, she hasn't used it again, thank goodness, but it's reminded me that my little sponges don't miss a thing.

She's learning Spanish and sign language. She's picking it up very quickly. Something new for us is when we say a word she tries to tell us what letters she hears in the word. She gets the first letter right 100% of the time and tries for the others. She has had no behavioral issues lately at school. No hitting, so that's good. I was worried that what was going on with me was going to have an effect on her. She's always been my little shadow. I can tell it has but it's not something we can't work through. She gets nervous when I'm around. Like she doesn't know if I'm in a good mood or not. Tonight I was laying in bed and she walked in. I asked her to come snuggle with me. She laid with me but then started licking me. I asked her to stop, she kept going. I moved her away from me and she just looked at me then she stopped and then we snuggled again for a minute then she left. I felt bad but that's yucky. She's also doing things for extra attention. Like when you ask her to do something or a question she'll give you the word that rhymes or some made up word as an answer. I asked her what she learned at school today she said "Red is Azul!" Nowhere near correct and she never told me even though she knows. I don't know.

She is really excited for Christmas. She can't wait to open presents.

Karly

My second one .. born 5 minutes later :) Karly is that child you see out in the field picking flowers and chasing butterflies. Never bothers you for anything. She's so bright, sweet and a bit shy. She is also very sensitive. She doesn't really play with anyone but she has "friends". She's not really a joiner but wants to be included in a little way. She has a good heart and it breaks easily. I don't know how many times I've seen "that look" lately. The one that says "You just hurt my feelings" and it's for everything. She's also been having a lot of accidents. She seems fine, happy. She is sleeping good. She has a bad cold. I just wonder if that has something to do with it.

I can't believe how sweet she is. She is always polite. Please, Thank You .. all of them. Tonight I sneezed she said "Bless you" and I replied "Thank You" and she replied "You're Welcome." That's just how she is. She gives the best hugs. At least I think so. I'm the only one she'll actually hug. It makes it all the more special. She has never repeated a bad word. It makes me wonder. The other day they were learning the letter F. She said "Forks" and the teachers thought she said .. well you know. The called me and I said she's saying forks. The agreed. Had it of been Katie, well I'd of though she actually said something else.

Karly just seems so grown up and still babyish at the same time. She still has her chubby cheeks, the soft curly hair, her little nose but her mannerisms are not baby. The way she sits, the way she eats, her speech, the way she looks at you. She's got a great heart. I love watching her with her babies. She is so gentle with them. She takes very good care of them.

She is also excited for Christmas as well. I think this one will be the best yet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Me

Tonight I did dinner and then went to lay down. My body is aching. I'm tired. Christmas is coming. I'm so conflicted about Christmas. I should be happy I get to spend it with my husband and my girls but I want my mom and my dad brothers, sisters nieces nephews grandparents ..

I have the song ".. Home is where i want to be on Christmas and home is so many miles away.." stuck in my head. It breaks my heart. I haven't seen my family on Christmas since Dec '99. I'm getting stuck in that instead of where I should be.

So tonight I went to bed and cried for a minute then got up. Gave them a shower, vitamins brushed teeth combed hair and then my girls and I sat next to the Christmas tree in the dark and looked at the lights. We talked about the star and the colors and what we would do Christmas morning and then we went up to bed. It was a very sweet moment. I'm where I need to be.

My Blessings .. (no particular order)

My kids
My husband
A roof
A car
A job (I love!)
My kids have food, clothes and good health
My huge family.. although they are spread out and not where I can see them, I know in my heart they think of me often and want me with them every bit as much as I want to be with them and that is enough for now.

New York Adventure

We took the path train to 33rd street. We walked to the Macy's. Their window display this year was a bit weird. I remember my first trip it was Miracle on 34th Street. This year it was these white puppet ladies. No idea what they were about and there were too many people waiting to read all the writing on the windows but it was still fun to watch.

This was another window. The other side of Macy's has "Yes, Virginia" as a theme but I didn't get any pics and it was getting dark.

The New Year Ball. The picture didn't come out very pretty but it was blue and sparkly in the sun.

The girls and Times Square.

The tree.

We actually made it right up to the tree. There were so many people. Katie loved the ice skaters. I didn't get a pic of that either.



Katie was so excited to go to the NHL store. By the time we got there she was passed out. We woke her up and she picked out a rangers key chain. Karly stayed asleep.

We saw this as we were headed down to the subway. I just happened to look up and it really touched me. I had to stop and take a picture. It's on the Macy's building. It's huge.

There were three things we didn't get to do. 1. Go into Macy's. I love going up to the 7th floor. They have the original escalator and it's made of wood and it's rickety. Love it. 2. Buy an ornament. We always go to their christmas department and buy an overpriced ornament. 3. Go into the Hard Rock Cafe and buy a shot glass for a special someone.

We had a great time and now that we know how easy it is to get them in and out of the city I'm sure we'll be going back once it warms up. Our next goal is Central Park and the Central Park Zoo.

New York City

This morning we got up and dressed and took the girls to see the tree for the first time.

We drove the 10 minutes to Hoboken, parked in a garage and walked the three blocks to the path train and took the 12 minute train ride to the city.

It's really a shame we haven't done it before now. It's got to be a sin to live so close so such a remarkable place and never go. There is nothing like new York city at Christmastime.

I will post more and pictures such tomorrow.

We knew this wasn't going to get better overnight, right?

Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ..

Okay So I was feeling pretty good on Monday. Almost passed out twice on Tuesday. Why? Because I was feeling so "normal" that I skipped the Xanax.

In my defense, I've felt lousy for so long that the second I didn't, I assumed I was better. That I was back to normal. I didn't realize that I was feeling better because of the meds.

I started taking them again on Wednesday, three times a day and the Paxil at night (Never stopped that) and I am still feeling pretty good. That is until I get home.

The car ride home is more than I can take. The girls fight, they yell, they are both talking at once .. After work I need a few minutes of quiet. So I talk to them about their day, or try to.

I can be honest, right? I don't care how their days are right now. I only care that we survived it. I hug them when I pick them up and look them over, I kiss them. I ask the teacher how their day was and then I'm done. I don't care about anything else. I don't want to hear about anything else. I half listen to their chatter/fighting/yelling/crying with clinched teeth and twice I've put in my earbuds and listened to music from my ipod. Now I feel horrible, but it's still true.

When we get home I try really hard to stay in the same room but I end up walking about to hide in the bedroom. Just for a few minutes. Donald makes dinner or his mother does. We eat together. I give them a shower, get them dressed and put them in bed. I go through the routines but I don't feel it.

I know I love my kids and see how this is affecting them. It is. It really is. Katie has a horrible attitude. Karly cries all the time for every little thing. Katie tells us she doesn't love us anymore. She tells her daddy "I don't like you". She clings to me and cries for no obvious reasons. Karly sucks her thumb and starts crying over the smallest things.

This is hurting my kids and I can't stop it. I can't make myself be who I want to be. The words "Think about finding a psychiatrist" came out of my drs mouth. He may be right. He probably is right.

I would give anything to be my old self. The self that stood strong and survived my childhood. The self that has everything that matters in life. The self that used to want to spend every single moment with her children because they were the most important part of her life.

...and I've lost almost 20 pounds in the last 2 weeks :(

When will I be me again??

I feel human ..

One day at a time. Some times are up some are down but progress is what's important. This morning I woke up anxious. Donald has been working every single weekend. One of my issues was that I can't get a break.

I get up with my 2 in the morning, drop them off in their classroom then walk to my classroom and await my 14 other children. I spend all day with those 14 then walk to the girls classroom and get my 2 then go home where I make dinner and get them cleaned up, in bed and then I get quiet time to get ready for the next day.

On the weekends, Donald goes to work and I have my 2 all day by myself. Never a break from answering to "Mommy" or "Ms. Tina". I have kids 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

However, I've realized I don't want a break from the life I wanted. I've just been feeling overwhelmed. I like my life. I love my kids (all 16 of them) and I love my job.

Tonight I actually had an idea to take the kids to the light festival at the zoo. There were some animals out and lots of lights. I did take a 3.5 hour nap this afternoon with the girls. The Xanax makes me really sleepy. When I woke up, I didn't go for the pills. I told Donald my idea and he said lets go. I didn't have any anxiety about leaving the house. I didn't have to talk myself into it. We just got ready and went.

And we had fun. The kids didn't irritate me. That's another thing. Everything the girls were doing was getting under my skin. Every time they said "Mommy" I would cringe. It wasn't them exactly, it was the fact that I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't feel any of that tonight. I haven't had any Xanax since this morning and I got them dressed for bed and still didn't feel anxious.

I am getting better. :)

Paxil, Xanax, music and sleep..

Those 4 things combined are making life smooth. Yesterday I was so sleepy but I felt peace. I was able to concentrate and focus. I smiled because I wanted to. I fell asleep at 8 and woke up at 6 still feeling pretty good. I only took half a Xanax this morning. Not the best idea but I'm still okay. Im supposed to use the Xanax as a helper not to become dependent on it.

I'm looking forward to the weekend. We have nothing planned so that will be nice.