Friday, December 9, 2011

We knew this wasn't going to get better overnight, right?

Ugh. Ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ..

Okay So I was feeling pretty good on Monday. Almost passed out twice on Tuesday. Why? Because I was feeling so "normal" that I skipped the Xanax.

In my defense, I've felt lousy for so long that the second I didn't, I assumed I was better. That I was back to normal. I didn't realize that I was feeling better because of the meds.

I started taking them again on Wednesday, three times a day and the Paxil at night (Never stopped that) and I am still feeling pretty good. That is until I get home.

The car ride home is more than I can take. The girls fight, they yell, they are both talking at once .. After work I need a few minutes of quiet. So I talk to them about their day, or try to.

I can be honest, right? I don't care how their days are right now. I only care that we survived it. I hug them when I pick them up and look them over, I kiss them. I ask the teacher how their day was and then I'm done. I don't care about anything else. I don't want to hear about anything else. I half listen to their chatter/fighting/yelling/crying with clinched teeth and twice I've put in my earbuds and listened to music from my ipod. Now I feel horrible, but it's still true.

When we get home I try really hard to stay in the same room but I end up walking about to hide in the bedroom. Just for a few minutes. Donald makes dinner or his mother does. We eat together. I give them a shower, get them dressed and put them in bed. I go through the routines but I don't feel it.

I know I love my kids and see how this is affecting them. It is. It really is. Katie has a horrible attitude. Karly cries all the time for every little thing. Katie tells us she doesn't love us anymore. She tells her daddy "I don't like you". She clings to me and cries for no obvious reasons. Karly sucks her thumb and starts crying over the smallest things.

This is hurting my kids and I can't stop it. I can't make myself be who I want to be. The words "Think about finding a psychiatrist" came out of my drs mouth. He may be right. He probably is right.

I would give anything to be my old self. The self that stood strong and survived my childhood. The self that has everything that matters in life. The self that used to want to spend every single moment with her children because they were the most important part of her life.

...and I've lost almost 20 pounds in the last 2 weeks :(

When will I be me again??

1 comment:

Cassie said...

You're going to get through it. You are. I'm sending all the love and support and hugs I possibly can to you from the direction of Ohio. And lots of prayers, too, every night.