One day at a time. Some times are up some are down but progress is what's important. This morning I woke up anxious. Donald has been working every single weekend. One of my issues was that I can't get a break.
I get up with my 2 in the morning, drop them off in their classroom then walk to my classroom and await my 14 other children. I spend all day with those 14 then walk to the girls classroom and get my 2 then go home where I make dinner and get them cleaned up, in bed and then I get quiet time to get ready for the next day.
On the weekends, Donald goes to work and I have my 2 all day by myself. Never a break from answering to "Mommy" or "Ms. Tina". I have kids 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
However, I've realized I don't want a break from the life I wanted. I've just been feeling overwhelmed. I like my life. I love my kids (all 16 of them) and I love my job.
Tonight I actually had an idea to take the kids to the light festival at the zoo. There were some animals out and lots of lights. I did take a 3.5 hour nap this afternoon with the girls. The Xanax makes me really sleepy. When I woke up, I didn't go for the pills. I told Donald my idea and he said lets go. I didn't have any anxiety about leaving the house. I didn't have to talk myself into it. We just got ready and went.
And we had fun. The kids didn't irritate me. That's another thing. Everything the girls were doing was getting under my skin. Every time they said "Mommy" I would cringe. It wasn't them exactly, it was the fact that I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't feel any of that tonight. I haven't had any Xanax since this morning and I got them dressed for bed and still didn't feel anxious.
I am getting better. :)