Friday, September 9, 2011

The ugly truth ..

Okay so I've been ignoring all the signs. I know I'm ignoring them because I'm a stubborn person. I always have been. When I want to do something, I do it. Even if it means I'll fall flat on my face and end up in a worse situation than before. I still do it.

I was dx with an anxiety/panic disorder years ago. Years and years ago. Like 15 years ago. I was on meds for awhile but wanted to go it without them. Went back on them. When I wanted to have a baby, I couldn't take it. I weaned myself off and sought out therapy. She really really helped me. Got me through, taught me how to deal and manage a life med-free.


My body has really been showing signs that I NEED to go back on anxiety meds. I've been ignoring them but now they are all getting to me. It started with the heart palpitations and that feeling of dread/panic. I calmed myself down. Then I started getting little muscle twitches that I ignored. Then I started feeling tired all the time. Really ran down. Fast forward to now, my body hurts. I feel like I have the flu. I flub my words, my short term memory is all screwed up. I don't rest. I'm always worried about something. Objects make me angry. Just a little bit ago, the sound of the magazine flapping by the fan was driving me nuts. I find myself griping things a little too tight. I choke on nothing. I'll just be walking and start choking on air. Happens more than a hundred times a day. I get nervous and I've been snapping. I have great restraint at work but I will forget that I'm reading a book, I'll read the wrong words, forget what's next, and when I come home I just can't seem to talk or interact. I spend about half an hour with family, then it's time to hide in the bedroom until I have to come out.

I can't take living like this. I don't mind being on the medicine but I always hoped I wouldn't have to take it again. I know why I am an anxious person. I know how it started, when it started and I don't want my girls to be anxious or panicky. I want them to be sane haha (J/K) I want them to stay positive and not worry about every little thing like their mother.

I just feel the need to get this out somewhere. All day it felt like my heart was pumping water and I couldn't take a breath. Donald is home all weekend so that will be good for me. I usually do Saturdays by myself.

I guess I should go to bed. I do need lots and lots of sleep.


Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry, hun. I know how terrible anxiety can be to deal with, and I can't even imagine dealing with two kids and a full time job. You are doing the right thing by acknowledging that you need some medication again. You're doing it for your girls. It's okay, hang in there. *HUGS*

Cassie said...

Thinking about you, praying for you, and sending you huge hugs. You're doing the right thing for your girls, and for yourself too.