Hell Week..

I feel like that is what I have been in one. Monday I worked 11 1/2 hours and tuesday I worked 11!!!! Today I left after 8 because I was just to tired to continue. I've been file cabinets, computer tables, scrubbed outside floors, picnic tables, dragged hoses around, washed window, moved furniture and the list goes on and on. It's called maintenance week and it's basically the week we kick all the kids out and clean the school from top to bottom. This year, however, is harder because they moved teachers around. I'm still Toddlers, but I'm in a smaller room, which is driving me crazy so I had to move all of my toys and furniture into another room. I'm exhausted and I'm still not done. Theonly thing I'm looking forward to is tomorrow afternoon when I am officially on vacation!!!!!! We are heading to Atlantic City to enjoy the beach by day, the resturants and the casino's at night! I can't wait.

September is almost there. That means that Oct 10 is coming a lot closer. Oct 10 is the day I start IVF#3!

Okay, well I need a shower and a bed.

The one day...

I take out to go splurge and I mean splurge on myself I wake up with awful cramps and the need to run to the bathroom every 5 minutes. I also have a stuffy nose and an annoying cough. I feel miserable. I really want to go shopping today. Tomorrow the store I want to go to is closed and all next week I'm busy putting my classroom together for the new year. I think I'm going to suck it up and go. Why not?

Yesterday I said bye to all my kids. I'm going to miss that class. They were really really great. I know who I'm getting next year but not officially. How can I not know who I'm getting this year. .

I think the pamprin is kickin in so I'm going shopping!!

Today ..

Is the next to the last day with the children I've been with for a year. Ack! We are having two days of parties and fun!!
I went to my therapy last night and we talked about approval of one another blah blah. I don't need people's approval. Then we talked about being a perfectionist and how I may not fit into the approval seeking area but definately into the "World should be perfect and if it's not, I'll make it that way" area. I never thought of myself as a perfectionist but when I think about it, I do try to make everything out to be "the way it should be" Should is a word I am not supposed to using because it raises my anxiety. I basically see everyone as "Good" . When they do bad things, it throws me off because that is not the way It should be..ahh that word again. Like I should be a mother now because it's been three and a half years!! So now I'm dealing with the fact that I'm not supposed to be a perfectionist and if I want to feel better, I can't be that way anymore. I just learned this last night. Well...I can't change over night.
In work news, I just found out who my new assistants are going to be this year. One is a woman of 37 who has worked with children for over 10 years..she is so great with them and the other is about 21 and had expierence in a center working with infants, but she's very nice. I think this year will go well. I will have the pleasure of yet again working 830-530 mon - fri. Yay. I really want her to change my hours, but she won't. She keeps saying all lead teachers must work those hours. Well out of nine, only four actually do. Funny. Well I'm goin to be late for work.
In dieting news, writing down what I eat..not happening. I tried, didn't work. I've lost another pound though, making the total 13!! Yay.
Anyone reading...Have a wonderful day!!!!

A prayer that touched me...

Lord, help me to know that You are enough. Take my eyes off of myself. Take my eyes off of the child I desire. Help me to delight myself in You. Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will. I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child. I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You. Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands. Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.Lord, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You. But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me. Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home. If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan. Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will. If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.Thank You for lifting my burden. Help me to keep You first! Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!

I didn't write this..I read it on beliefnet.com. There were a few prayers on there that touched me but I liked this one. I find myself questioning my faith and wondering if it's strong. I am trying to rebuild my faith and make it strong again and put the pain and suffering I have felt over this infertility in the past.

Weekends can destroy your diet...

This weekend was a very fullfilling one :). It's not that I ate a lot but I did. We went to a buffet last night and ate beef, chicken, pork and fruit along with rice, black beans and salad. Today I had an omelet w/ 2 eggs, cheese and canadian bacon and for lunch I had half of a pulled pork sandwich. For dinner I had roast with potatos and string beans. For snack I had a tablespoon of peanut butter, a banana and a glass of milk. There's my diet info. In case your wondering, I posted before that they say if you write down what you eat, you'll eat less. I'm testing it out.
Monday marks the last week with my kids. I've been with these children since Sept 5th. I'm going to miss them. It's been nice watching them grow and learn. I was able to potty train most of them. They were a really good class. Individually they were a handful but as a class they were cooperative and easy going. My new class is coming in next Tuesday and I can only hope for the best.
This will be my third year as a lead teacher in the Toddler Program and I think I'm learning a lot from them. I felt the first year was chaos because I had never lead a Toddler Program before so the year was not a good one. Lots of headaches and time outs. However, I did learn and I used what I learned to lead a very successful year. Now I can take what I learned from the last two years, apply what works and what stop what didn't and this year can only be better.
I went into the tinytot rooms to view my future kids and they seem to be good kids. But every teacher disagrees with the way the other does things. I listen to their present teachers complain about this one or that one and I ignore it because I do things differently and they might act differently for me, therefore, I don't get a preconcieved idea of how they are going to act.
On the fertility, or lack there of, side of things, I'm still waiting for Oct 10th to come along. Not much to update on. It's going to be a long wait.

I have a goal...

I know this is my infertility blog but I'm on a break so I need something else to talk about. Okay. My goal is to lose 15 pounds before my stim meds start on October 20th. I will still be overweight, but how much can an person lose in two months. So I'm shooting for 15 pounds. I always heard if you write down what you eat, you won't eat as much. So we are going to try that. Although I don't eat much now and have already lost 12 pounds since feb/mar. So it will be 27 pounds lost in Oct and that's not to bad, I think. I did start weight watchers but I didn't finish it.
On a different note, My neighbor, who lives across the street, has an adorable little girl. I watch them from my office desk go in and out of their home. Sound creepy? It probably is. I'm so jealous sometimes. I don't mean to sin (the jealousy, not the stalkerish thing) but she has an adorable daughter, a cute dog, just moved into a nice, new, just built home and a nice husband. ( I like my husband just fine, I just had to add that in) and she gets to be a stay at home mom. She basically just takes her to the park (down the road) and goes shopping, walks the dog, etc.. Why can't I have that???
Well, that brings me to my next thought. "Life's Not Fair". My therapist made me say that to make myself believe it. For one..YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL A PERSON GOING THROUGH INFERTILITY that LIFES NOT FAIR. Trust me. We know. I tried to explain that to her but she kept saying "You need to let yourself know that lifes not fair and except it." How do you except that the drug addicted 16 year old homeless person can get pregnant and not myself. I know that good things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people, bad people get bad things and good people get good things. I know the world doesn't owe me a baby but it would be nice to have the ability to chose to have one and chose when and around the part of the year. Not due 9 months from whenever they put the embryo's back in.
Well I guess I should end this....for breakfast I had 1 cup of grapes, a banana and ACK! half a donut. In my defense they were there but I only ate half. Tonight is not looking good. We are going to the brazillion bbq. Where they feed you endlessly for 30$ Good thing my stomach doesn't hold that much.

Life...

Is to frustrating. And it's not fair. So I've been seeing this therapist who tells me that 'life's not fair'. I laughed. You don't really need to say that to someone going through infertility. We know. We see it everyday. She also said that just because we are good people, doesn't mean we deserve good things. Yeah...I know that too. WE all know the kind of people that good things happen too. I mean good things happen to me, as well, but bad things happen as well. Things I feel I don't deserve. Today was a good day. I was happy and jolly and talked a lot. I hope tomorrow is a another good day. I don't like the dark days where I want to cry a lot and scream and not talk to anybody. On a great note, I've lost 12 pounds since my first post. I know it's not much but's a lot for me.

Today was...

I don't know how to say it. Finally a day that has nothing to do with infertility, just life. First off, I really hate my job. I love the kids but that's it. I don't care for the people I work with anymore. After my assistant walked out, which everyone is blaming me for, my employer treats me like a disease. I was not responsible for her walking out. I had nothing to do with it. She was whining about the place for awhile and complaining. She never said 'hi' to me when she walked in the room and she called the kids bad. Anyway, not my problem. But now the nurse is mad at me because she wants to be referred to as adminstration and she's not. She's the damn school nurse. She doesn't make any decisions and the last time I made the mistake, and assumed she was, I got a long letter from my boss explaining to me that she was the nurse, not adminstration. So I basically spend all day in my room, 9 hours in my room, by myself. Basically doing everything. I don't care. At least I know it's getting done. The new school year is starting soon and I am changing rooms. Staying with Toddlers, just changing rooms. I'm looking foward to the change. It will be nice. I'm also having a different morning assistant. I've had my current assistant (morning one, not the one that quit) for 3 years now and getting a new one might be a fresh change. Her name is Kim. I'm excited to meet her. She knows how to run a classroom and has been doing this for awhile. Good news, she knows how to change diapers quickly and clean up after children and get their attentions. It should be a great help to me. I'm just worried about a new afternoon assistant. I always get these young girls who know nothing and are there for a paycheck. They don't help. They are just in the way.

As I sit here thinking..

I think about all the great things I've been given. I think about the doors that have opened to get me to IVF successfully. Money, for one, was going to be a big issue, or so I thought it was. It turned out, though, that it wasn't. My next fear was the meds. They were so much and the insurance company told me that nothing involving IVF was covered. Meds added more money but when I tried to fill them, the pharmacy was stopped by the insurance company and the insurance company paid them. I had a 50$ copay. Everything seemed to be working in my favor and I believe the Lord was in front of my opening the doors for me to walk through. I was really meant to be a mother. Right? If everything to set me up for IVF worked, why then was the cycle cancelled? Twice? My faith is taking a severe beating. I know it is and it's been really hard to just except that it wasn't the right time. I know I'm not a patient person and maybe HE knew that if he didn't open up any doors until the time was right, I would of been miserable. I have hope upon hope and I pray to God my Lord and Savior, the October is the right time for me. I wish we were all given little books into our lifes. It doesn't have to be a glimpse, just a little sidenote or something. Well those are my thoughts for the morning.

This evening I went to

Target. I always look through the baby stuff but today I didn't. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I did check out an outift that was adorable but it was in the walkway so I couldn't miss it. I went to dinner with a friend tonite and another was supposed to show up, but didn't. Why does this person continually not show up to places I invite her too. The only thing I can say is, maybe she's not a friend. Maybe I'm blind to how this person really is and maybe I don't need to bother with this person again. I had a great night with my hubby and friend so It didn't really matter anyway.

Update...it's been long between post.

Ok. So. Where do we begin. Since my last blog, things have not been going so well. My IVF cycle was cancelled the day we were supposed to be scheduling my egg retrievel because there were only 3 mature eggs. I wanted to scream at him "I only have one ovary, how many do you want" but before I could, he said "you need to have eight." Well. So we go and do a stupid procedure called IUI or artificial insemination. Now, I've already had this done a few numbers of times and guess what? They don't work. So we did and BFN. Now we wait. The end of July comes around and it's time to start again. I start the injections and at my first ultrasound what do they find? A huge grapefruit where my ovary should be. Yes, It's a cyst. IVF #2, cancelled. WTF? So now i'm on another break until October. Sheesh. In good news, I can now start the school year without needles and doctor's appointments. My mind should be on lesson planning anyway.