bad day

Happy Halloween all.

Today I went to the doctor. Not good news. I only have 3 follies now and they seemed to of stopped growing. Blood test revelled that my E2 (estrogen) and FSH (follicle stimulating Hormone) was low. Too low for someone doing meds to raise both of them. My body is not absorbing the meds!!! Of all the things that could go wrong! I am upset, but they have a plan and so far, ER is still Sat. Please pray for me.

"Lookin' Good"

Things are on the up! Not that they have ever been down cycle. Everything has been going wonderfully. Had another ultrasound and bloodwork today and I have to go again tomorrow. He said it looks like a Saturday ER and we are starting everyday doctor visits.

I finished my costume tonight. It's wierd looking but I don't think the toddlers will notice. I'm a bumblebee! I painted yellow stripes to a black shirt, wearing black pants and I have wings and antennaes.

Work is okay, although I wish I didn't have to go. My new maybe assistant showed up today. Her name is Lily, so I wonder if she's going to be with me or not. We'll see.

Last night I had a bit of a breakdown. Started crying that I could no longer do IVF. After this, I think I'm done. It's just too much. Maybe after a year (if this doesn't work) we'll rethink the situation, but I think after this, if we're still not pregnant, I quit. Being pregnant is something I want more than I want air, but I won't die if I don't have a baby and I have other options. My heart breaks when I say this to myself, but it's true. I'm already in therapy for this crap, what else can I do to myself.

Things are going..

My RE called me at work to tell me I have a UTI and that I need to start antibiotics. I was thinking something was wrong but wasn't thinking that. I thought I had slept wrong and messed up my back cause it was hurting but didn't think that. It's no big deal though.

Tomorrow is another doc appointment. I will get up at 530, leave at 630 drive half an hour to my docs and then drive the 40 min to work. My work day begins at 8 and ends at 5. Tomorrow I will be tired but I hope that it brings more good news.

Tonight, after getting my stim shot, I started crying. I don't think I can do this again. In fact, I know I don't want to do this again. I've been trying for 3 years and 6 months. That's a long time. I've done 2 IUI's and 3 attempts at IVF. I've spent so much money and if this doesn't work, and lets be realistic, it may not, then we are done. We'll relax with what we have and wait to see where are road takes us.

I'm going to bed. I need sleep.

Just amazing!!!

I went for my follie check this morning. Excellent news!! We wanted 11-12 mm and we got 13mm!!!! I have 7 large lead follies that measure 13 and about 10 that measure a bit smaller. They''ll be growing about 1mm a day from here on out and he is scheduling ER (egg retrieval). It will probably be Friday or Saturday. Last time they couldn't schedule a day because they weren't growing but they are now! I am sooo happy about this. I'm a little worried about starting the progesterone shots but it has to be done. If Friday is the ER day then ET days will be wednesday or Thursday and if it's Sat, then it will be Thursday or Friday. I can't believe its almost time!

Crap

Well we changed our plans for tonight because the last show was too late to drive to PA for so bummer. Then we decided to visit some houses but they were closed as well. Crap.

We went to see "Nightmare Before Christmas" and ate at PF Changs. It was good.

Now I'm worried about tomorrows ultrasound. He said he wanted to see them at 11-12 mm. I'm worried that they won't get there. The last time, they didn't. Only three broke away to grow and it was very slow. After 11 days of stims, three were about 18 mm and was not enough to continue. So we'll see what tomorrow brings. I'll update when I get home.

Night all...

Tomorrow..

Tomorrow I go in and see how big my follicles are getting. I'm really excited about this. He said he hopes that they are between 11 and 12 mm. I'm good with that. My side has been pinchy and I'm a little tired but unsure if my sleepiness is because I woke up early or the meds. I'm guessing its because I woke up early.

Tonight I'm going to eastern state pen. The day has arrived and i'm super excited. Not so much excited to get home around 2 and back up at 7 to go to the dr, but i'll survive. Also tomorrow, I have to get my costume completed. I decided to make mine instead of buy it basically becaue i'm not sure when ER is and if it falls on wednesday, which i doubt it will, i won't be out 50 bucks.

Ive been told today that i'm fiesty. LOL. Hows that for a mood. I think it's funny.

Overwhelmed much?

The photo to the side of this is my nightly dose. It's 4 vials of Bravelle and 2 vials of Menopur and the sterile water to mix it with. When I look at it, it's a little overwhelming but I did the injection already so I know it's over. For tonight.

I'm feeling pretty good today. It's probably because it's FRIDAY!!! I've been in a pretty good mood. My side has been a bit pinchy but that's a good sign. Means lots of follicles getting bigger.

On the home front, things are pretty good. Nothing really to complain about. For once.

My weekend is all planned out and it's going to be a busy one. I am going to the haunted Eastern State Penitentary on Sat night and I have a doctors appointment Sunday morning. My hubby is going to that one so it'll be even more the better.

WE have follicles...

I have a bunch of follicles at 10 mm! That's right where I should be. That makes me happy. We go back in Sunday morning and they should be about 12 mm. Once they hit 12 mm they grow about 1 mm a day! I need them to be about 18-20. And he said I needed 6.

I'm sooooo cranky. Almost a mean cranky.

and yes, they were fat free...

k'dok. Tomorrow is a big day for me. We get to see what's happening in my ovary tomorrow.

I have my ultrasound at 7 am. They'll also go and do a blood test to check myE2 levels. They can't get to high or I'll over stimulate and that would be bad. I just want to see how many follies I have growing. I need 5 mature. 8-10 would be great, but i'm going to shoot for 5. 5 means they won't cancel.

Had a visit with my shrink. She helps with this whole process. I don't feel as depressed as I used to but I still feel it with me. Most days I'm happier in general.

Until tomorrow
....

I just wanna...

I just wanna cut the top of my head off. Just the part that is hurting. Just the part that started hurting last night and has continued steadily through the day. Just that part.

Holy Headaches!! I am feeling way more than I felt the last two times. My friend at work says maybe thats the reason it's going to work this time. I swear I am so moody. I just want to tell everyone that even slighty bothers me to F*ck OFF!! Seriously. Also, the area below my belly button is so freakin' sore from getting stabbed every freakin morning and night. I know I'm whinning. Ask me if I care? So tonight is night 2 of stims. I do another tomorrow night and then Thursday they'll tell me how many I got growing. If I make it through this without killing someone, it'll be a miracle. I just sooooo cranky. I yelled at my husband for buying the crappy kind of junk food. You know, the 'lightly salted' chips and the 'fat free' pretzels..What the hell and I supposed to do with those? I'll just eat my dried apricots.

K. Head still hurts. Think I'll lay down.

We offically start tonight

Tonight starts IVF #3. We will be doing 4 vials of bravelle and 2 vials of menopur. We go back for a follie check and he will adjust my meds. I'm much relieved after this news. I know I'm there and I'm ready.

Cycle day 2

Okay. I know this is for a good cause and I'm doing it for a really good reason, but the side effects are just awful. This morning, around 3 (I'd been sleeping for about 2 hours) I woke up with an open mouth silently screaming. Another nightmare. I seem to have one every night. Last night I stubbled upon and lake and under the water were family members, eyes open reaching for me. They were dead. I opened my mouth to scream but nothing came out. I stood there and tried for what seemed like hours. When I woke, I was laying there opened mouth, tearing, shaking and feeling sick. I'm not sure if it's the Lupron or just something hormonal going on but I don't like it. I did not feel like this the last 2 times.

I've also been having a dull ache in my left side. Last time, that meant a cyst. I'm afraid that they will find one tomorrow. I am really trying to relax and I'm sure after tomorrow I'll be able to. I'm waiting for the docs office to call and schdule that this morning.

In a vain attempt to do something normal, my husband and I and the in-laws are going to breakfast this morning. It's nice to do a family get together. I wish I could bring my parents along but they live far. I miss my home, too. I'm sure this depression thing isn't helping but I'm still seeing my therapist, who is really really helping me.

The doc called and I'm in for tomorrow! I have my meds and they are going to go over them and make sure I have all of the things I need to start. I have some of it because I received it before my cycle was cancelled in July. I just need more this time.

It has arrived..

Cycle Day 1 has arrived. Monday I will be doing my bloodwork and ultrasound. I'm nervous.

I've made up with my husband. I went to his job and we had a quiet lunch together, and I walked back to the house feeling pretty good. Last night I told him I hated him and didn't want to be married to him anymore and that I wanted to go back to Missouri and live there. Hormones, gotta love 'em. He took it in stride and although I know it hurt his feelings, he said he loved me and wanted to still be married to me, rubbed my back and was nice to me. Nice! Why? I guess he loves me. :) yay!

I've been crying a lot. The hormones are kicking my ass. When I'm not crying, I want to. Is it all worth it?

I think we are getting close to Cycle Day (CD) 1. CD 1 is when I get excited. I get to call the doctor and make an appointment for CD 3. CD 3, is where my dream ended in July. July, I go into to the docs office and lay on the table for the ultrasound. I tell him how my meds are ready and we are ready to do it again. CD 3 was when he turned the monitor towards me and had me look at a very large dark shadow where my ovary should of been and tells me that it's full of blood, there is no follicles (eggs) in sight and that we can not continue with the cycle. IVF #2, cancelled. Just like IVF #1, when I got in, all excited to see my eggs growing and he tells me there are only 3, not enough to continue and cancelled it. Now we are approaching CD 3, I've been doing shots for 9 days now.

I don't know why, but I'm kind of afraid to talk about it. People know I'm doing it, but when it comes to talking about it, I can't. I've always been very open about it but this month I can't. I'm afraid to open up and share the good news. Back in May, I wanted to tell everyone "I have 20 follicles growing!! I'm doing a great job!" but apparently I wasn't because it was cancelled because all but 3 decided to stop growing.

Monday or Tuesday I'll go in for my bloodwork and ultrasound and we'll see what comes of it.

I've been wanting to go to eastern state Pen for a long time and I finally may get to go but tickets are 30 per person and that's a lot. We'll see.

IVF update..

I love this picture. Had to add it to my blog today. Tonight is my first night birth control free. I am still doing the lupron and will continue for a few more weeks. I've lost a pound making my lupron weight gain only 3 pounds. The nightmares have stopped, thank goodness. I was wondering if they would. I usually get them when I'm starting a new cycle but I'm still a week away from that.
I'm excited to start but I'm afraid. I'm afraid to death that it will be cancelled before I get to try and I'm also afraid that I'll try and then it will be cancelled. All in all, I'm afraid it will be cancelled. I don't know what I will do if I make it to ER and then find out that I have embryo's. I can imagine it will be amazing and I'll be happy but then when we move into ET, I'll be nervous that the embryo's won't be able to find a comfy spot and settle in for the next 9 months. I find myself getting overwhelmed just thinking about it. Monday should be my first blood test.

Lets move on to another subject. Work. Work is good. Kids are good. I've been working long hours. 7:15 to 5. I've been sleepy.

La De Da...

(This is a picture of the IVF meds. The little white box on top is the med I am taking now.)

We went Apple picking today! It was fun and we had a blast. We picked 14 pounds of apples and bought a peach pie (which was delicious!)

I took my fourth injection of Lupron today. I've only gained the one pound and it seems I've lost half of it, but after the peach pie, we'll see.

I got my costume. I'm going to be a bumble bee. I bought this cute little hunny pot purse to carry with my costume and the best part? I'll match the border around my classroom. LOL. The borders around my 'Hundred Acre Wood' are bumble bees carrying honey sacks. I know, that's gay LOL.

Okay...

So IVF has officially started! I do Lupron every morning at 7. So far I have a lot of headaches . My moods very from slighty happy to slighty upset but I haven't gone psyco yet. I have gained a pound which brings my total from 20 pounds lost to 19, but if it works, i'll probably gain a lot more than that.

Work is going extremely well. The kids are great. Not as great as my last bunch but great.

In just two days!

In two more days My IVF #3 cycle will offically start. I am so happy. Better yet, I had instucted myself to lose 15 pounds before my IVF cycle. Well much to my excitement, I've lost 18!!! I plan to continue my diet until I am pregnant.

Work is good.

Life is good.

It's IVF Time baby!!!

On Thursday we will starting our third attempt at IVF. My journey to motherhood will now begin again. We are starting with the lupron, 10 iu. I finally stop the bcp's on the 17th. I can't believe it's so close.

I'm getting over a stomach virus. Other than that, everything is the same.

Work is going much better. I like the kids. I haven't seen them much in the last week but they are getting better.

I guess it's going to get better..

I have to say it. To my surprise, it is getting much better. I speak of work, of course. I didn't think I was going to care much for this class but I'm not sure if it's my infertility or just the fact that I like kids, but I find myself drawn to them and caring for them. I love their hugs and the way it makes me feel. They are cute in their own little ways. Sure, they give me a lot of trouble, including he who remains nameless. But even he has decided that I'm the teacher and he should listen.

My IVF cycle is almost here. Nine more days!! I'm excited to finally get started. It's been 3 years and 6 months since my hubby and I said "Let's have a baby!" Well we are still saying it.

One thing I have to write about is the couple that forgot about their baby in the car. HOw in the hell do you forget about your child?! i don't get it. It doesn't make sense.