A crazy dream and 36 weeks!

The other night, I had a dream. I was in a panic but it's kind of funny.

It's a little vague but here's what happened..

~~~~I was pregnant with twins (shock!) and was ready to give birth. My hubby and my RE were talking together but I didn't know what about. I went into labor and my RE came up to me and said "Since everything worked out so well the first time, as soon as these babies are born, we're going to put two more embryos in". I ran around in my dream begging everyone not to let that happen.

It was a weird dream, being that I didn't have any embryos left and how in the world or why in the world would anyone do two twin back to back pregnancies without a break? :) Maybe some would...I'm not one of them.

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Today was a very hot muggy day, so that resulted in me not feeling very well. I've been crampy and have been going back and forth from the living room to the bedroom, taking naps and just laying down. If feels like the end is coming. I'm prepared to wait out the 9 days (which was my first scheduled day) and if I have to, the remaining 5 days until my new scheduled day but I must say, I don't see myself making it much longer. I'm offically 36 weeks pregnant and Monday starts week 37 and I'd really like to accomplish that. After that.....I'M DONE :)>

A charmed life?

~~I've been complaining alot. No, no it's true :).

~~I don't have a lot money, I don't live in my own house and what I do live in is located upstairs from my in laws. However, I did lay in bed until 10 because I just didn't have the energy to get up. After getting up, I ate a bowl (a big bowl) of Lucky Charms and watched tv and thought about blogging. Bills are paid for the month, we still have money in the bank and my hubby will be home from work at 11 and we'll probably spend the day goofing off. Life really isn't as bad as my emotions make it out to be. I am very thankful for all that I have.

~~When I was working, I didn't think much about anything because work kept me so busy. Sure I'd get annoyed with things but over all I was happy. I think stopping working had an effect on me. I love what I do. I can't imagine doing anything else. Everytime I make up my mind to quit, I change it. It's not just a double income that I'll miss. The job is so rewarding.
When they start in September, most are two, some just turned and some are turning before October is over. They are in that phase were they need you so much. Where you are their provider until their mommies and daddies come back. They trust you, love you and need you. You get to show them all kinds of neat things. We paint with our feet, we play with glue..Oh is that how it works?. We make pizza's with playdoh and then cut it up. We have great music and you watch them learn that their little bodies are capable of dancing to this great music and the glee when they get more coordination to really groove. Then comes the time, usually about January, when they start realizing that they can use the potty in the bathroom, they can stay in the lines when coloring, they can put their own toys away and help each other. They don't want you hovering over them anymore but if you take to many steps away, you're called back pretty quick. April comes, most are potty trained. They want to get their own stuff from the fridge, their vocabulary is outstanding and love imitating you. They sit in "circle time" and "read' to each other. They hug each other, understand each other and just enjoy the day. Summer comes and they have all turned 3 or are about to and it's time to talk about when the summer is over. New teachers, new room, new friends. They are completely different than when they started a year ago. Have grown and learned so much. They are ready to leave you. It makes me sad but I know that the bond we created that year, will never break and year after year I see it. When I get passed in the hallway my old toddlers will leave the line, risking getting in trouble to come hug me. My age group is the best. I've worked with younger and older. It's not the same. Toddlers are the perfect age group. The hugs, cheek kisses and laughs are the best.

~~The best part of leaving my job though, is that I get to experience all of that and more with my girls. I still get to do all of that but with a much bigger reward. Trips to the zoo, playing in the park, making sidewalk drawings outside our door and playing in the pool. I think because of my last 10 years of shaping little minds, I'm ready for my own accomplishment. Getting to see the benefits from my own work instead of a parent coming up to me saying "You are just great. Yesterday, he wanted to speak to me so he said "excuse me". I loved it. Thank you Miss Tina." I get to actually see it in my girls. A friend called me the other day and said "Tina, you know about this stuff. What am I supposed to be doing with them now that they are older?" I just took myself to that place and gave her an hours worth of ideas. It got me so excited for my girls.
If I go back to work, someone else will be doing these things with my girls while I do these things with someone else's kids.

~~So It's back to quiting my job. A job that I have love and passion for. I still continue to go back once a week to make sure my kids know that I didn't abandon them, I just left to wait for my babies that are "coming in packages" as they say and that I'm still here. They know I can't do things like tie shoes, or hold them so they hug my leg. God Bless those little ones.

oops I just realized I was on a soapbox but those are the thoughts going through my head this morning. So, A charmed life? Yes I think so. I'm married to my best friend, someone I want to be with every second of everyday, someone I tell everything to. I'm doubly blessed with two beautiful girls that could arrive at anytime and I've had the pleasure of working somewhere that gave me enjoyment, love and more happiness than I've known.

~~michelle, if you have a blog, can you post the address in a comment so I can visit yours?~~
Same goes for everyone. If you don't see your blog in my 'reads' column please leave it for me, I read blogs everyday.

35 weeks and 4 days...

WE had a check up yesterday and today. On Tuesday, I noticed that I didn't feel the same and that a baby felt to be really really low. Later that night, I started having pains in the right side of my belly and it was increasingly difficult to breath. I called the on call dr and as I was explaining the pain I said "It's almost like a baby dropped really low". After saying that, she agreed that that might be what the pain is. Yesterday, we found out that not only had baby A dropped, she really dropped. Her heartbeat is at the very bottom of my belly. She is so low that they said if I don't have them before I next growth scan, they may not be able to measure her correctly. Baby B is stil in the same spot. I think she is more comfy than A is. Today, the dr did the GBS (group b strep test). I didn't like it very much. Although I'm not one for having a q tip enter both my *private holes* (so sorry). It was quick though. She said that she thought I would deliver next week so better to have the test done today. Next week?! Everything seems to be going great. I also found that I actually do have contractions, just didn't know what they were. I was telling her about this hardening of my belly and I can't breath but that there is no "wave" or "rolling" sensation. She corrected me and told me that if my belly gets really hard, it's a contraction. I'm supposed to time them from now on. That's my update for this week.

In other news....I've always been the one that had the witty comment as soon as the person the comment was meant for had already left the room. I find that although I can think something, I am unable to get it out. So I sit there and say it to myself. I realize that it's the same with my blog. I sit down, sign on and write the header. So many things to say, to write. It's just that it doesn't come out. I can never get any emotions or feelings out, so they stay inside. Today I decided that I am going to try really hard to get some of those feelings out.

This morning I woke up in such a panic. The panic had to do with my in-laws. I won't go into all the irrational thoughts I had but I wonder, when the time comes, will I react in the way I always do, or will I say what's on my mind? I've waited for so long to be a mommy and it seems that she is doing all SHE can to BE the mommy. It hit me this morning that when I went out and bought the crib bedding, she said "Oh I was going to buy that." My husband mentioned that when we go out and buy clothing and show her, the next day she goes out and buys clothing and with this whole cradle problem we had, I realized this morning that she bought the bedding (although I knew already) it seems she bought the cradle to buy the bedding that she didn't get to buy for the crib. She even wants to buy sippy cups. Sippy cups! They haven't even had a bottle yet. I made myself sick this morning with worry. It doesn't help that I overheard her tell my neighbor that she wants to take care of them by herself. Why? I'm not even going back to work? So now I'm debating on what I should do. Keep the peace by keeping my mouth shut or break it and say what's on my mind. My therapist says I should say it. The thing is though, if it's just me, I don't and won't stand up for myself. I think when it comes to my babies and my "territory" I won't even think about it, I'll just do it.

I'm exhausted and hot so I think I'm going to take a nap. Enjoy the day!

Just wanted to share something....

I watched this video and got all teary eyed. It was very sweet...click here...

In other news, I've had somewhat of a rough day but I had a therapy appointment and was able to talk it out. I know lots of people don't want to hear this, but seeing a therapist every 2 weeks just to sit and talk to someone, really really helps. It helps ease my anxiety and eliminates my panic episodes. I'm a much happier person and have moved on from a lot of upsetting things in my life. Enough of that...sorry.

Hope you enjoyed the video lol.

35 weeks!!! And I turn 29 tomorrow!

Not a "pretty" picture but definatly a real one. :). My husband took the photo and when I looked at it, my comment was "That's how big I am?" Wow.

Today I am 35 weeks. Tomorrow starts the 36 weeks and I know how lucky I am to be this far with twins. I know so many that went into pre term labor and delivered early so I sometimes feel quilty about complaining that the dr thinks I'll make it to 38 weeks. Trust me, I want them to make it as long as possible but I think I'm scared of going into labor. I want to experience labor, I really really do, but waiting for it and then wondering if I will panic when it happens, when will it happen? Will I be alone? Will I get to the hospital okay? Will it hurt a lot? Will the babies be okay? Just scary.

Tomorrow is my 29th birthday. I know every girl has a life plan that she has figured out in early life and waits to accomplish it all. My life plan was as follows:

• Leave for MWSC at 18
• Graduate at 22 w/ teaching degree, specializing in Early childhood/special education
• Marry at 24
• First child at 26
• Second child at 28
• To be living in our own home

Lets see, I did do the first one, not the second, did the third but didn't see the big IF coming my way. I knew it would be hard but didn't know it would be 3 x IVF hard. So now at 29, I will have my two children and still waiting for the last one. Who says it doesn't work out?

The Good, the bad, the ugly...

Should I start with the ugly and end with the good? It seems like the way to go. That way we end on a good note.

The Ugly: My hormones. Yesterday, we took our car to the dealership to have some work done and the oil change. While we were waiting my husband suggested we walk to McDonalds and get some breakfast. I order the #3 with sausage instead of bacon. The order taker looks at me and says "Why don't you just order the sausage, egg and cheese buiscut." Immediatly pissed I replied "If there was one, I would of ordered it." She continued by pointing the the #4, an egg and sausage buiscut. Not exactly what I want. Angrily I replied "Whatevers easier for you sweetie." I didn't mean to get so snotty but she really upset me.

The Bad: My Mother In Law. A few days ago, my husband told me that she thinks the reason we aren't sharing the babies names is because I'm lying about them being both being girls. Huh? Today so continues with making a "joke" that she has made before. It upset me before, it really upset me today. She says "Tina, I have an idea. You leave the girls with me while you go to Missouri". Hormones don't help. I say "My family deserves to see the babies too." She doesn't get it or just doesn't care and says "Bring a picture." I walk out of the room, unable to be around her anymore and say "I'll leave you a picture." Her final words...."That's not very nice." What? This caused a huge fight with my husband for over half an hour because I was being "snappy" with him.

Okay the best part :)

The Good: My beautiful baby GIRLS. Today we had a lot of appointments. We had a growth scan, a Biophysical Profile and an OB appointment.

• Baby A weighs 4lbs and 12oz. A perfect weight for how far along we are. Shes healthy, breathing, moving and getting enough nutrients from the umbilical cord.
• Baby B weights 4lbs 9oz. A perfect weight for how far along we are. She's healthy, breathing, moving and getting enough nutrients from the umbilical cord.

It was great to see how big they are and I was relieved to know they are gaining weight on target.

The OB appointment was a bit scary. I was nervous about the pitting edema this week. One night my urine was orange and I've been getting headaches off and on a lot lately. I've been having stomach pain and have been feeling over all pretty bad. But when I checked my blood pressure at home, it was always ok. Today the nurse takes my blood pressure 3 times says "wow that is really high" and walks away. I stop her and ask her what it was. It is usually 102/70 or thereabouts. She says it is 142/88. She then leaves. I start to panic because all I can think of is toxemia (pre e). I know about it. It worries me. The dr comes in, reads my chart and you can tell he is really looking at it. Turns around and reaches for the blood pressure cuff. I tell him that my husband and I were fighting this morning and I think that is why it's high. He checks it, shakes his head and says "Your blood pressure is fine. It's 102/79. " So relieved.

He scheduled my C-section for July 14th!!

He says that I may not make it until then and that I might go into labor before that. I'm hoping I make it to July 9th. Anything after that is fine with me.

Then we took our first trip to Hooters. Interesting. Our waitress was pregnant. Food was pretty good though.

Just a pic...

A little blurry but this is a proof of one of our maternity photos :). I love it!

The ugly side lol

My feet are huge and my belly has strechies on it lol. My feet and fingers itch so bad!!!

Anyway I decided that I am going to get my maternity photos tomorrow. Why not, right? I'm not gaureenteed 3 weeks, just hope that I have it.

Ramblings of someone supposed to be asleep..

It's almost midnight. Midnight I turn 34 weeks!!!!! My OB said I won't make it past 37 weeks, my Peri says 36 will be good. I'm going to shoot for July 9th, 3.5 weeks away. 24 Days. As I lay in bed and think about this, I start freaking out. In 2 or 3 weeks, I'm going to have something I've been dreaming about for almost 5 years. And, I'm not having one, I'm having two and that is something I never dreamed about but feel so incredibly lucky to have it.

This week has been kind of rough. I still haven't recieved any benefits for maternity. We're okay but I need to have something coming in to feel comfortable. After fighting with Aflac all week, they are finally sending me my first check. My boss still hasn't filled out the state STD so I haven't gotten that either.

Tonight we went to see the new Hulk movie. Not my style but it wasn't bad. As I was parking the car the check light came on. I called and made an appointment on tuesday for my car. Now, I'm getting ready for babies, I'm not bringing in any money and now my car (which I just paid off last oct) is going into the shop for the THIRD time since paying it off. What is upsetting me the most is Monday we have an appointment to have Maternity photos done. The car guy said we could still drive the car, but the place is about half an hour away from our house and even farther away from the dealership (closer to the hospital though) and if something happens to the car, it's going to be a pain. I really wanted to get them done. My dh had an eye appointment but it looks like we'll be at the dealership instead. It's bad timing but it could be worse.

Well I think I'm going to turn in for the night.

Not much to update..

Here is a week 33 photo. The girls passed another BPP and today had their first non stress test, which they also passed. No contractions either. I have 4 weeks left and it seems like it's right there but it feels far off. I kind of want them out but I want them to stay in more. The heat has been unbearable and I've been laying about doing nothing for the last several days.

I made an appointment to have maternity photos made. I didn't think I would do them but I'm going to be 34 weeks and everything seems to be going well so I thought I'd just go. I'm actually kind of excited to get them. I started this blog thinking I had something to write about, but as it seems, I don't. Hope everyone is well :).

33rd week..

During my 33rd week we've done...

• Had a great Biophysical Profile
• A good appointment with the OB (he said we'll discuss delivery in two weeks)
• A negitive FFN! Yay. Went to Labor and Delivery again on Thursday because I was having a lot of vaginal pain and couldn't urinate. Babies laying on the wrong part was the Dx
• We pre-registered and offically named our babies!! We weren't going to but we ended up writing the names on the the birth certificate form.
• We chose a temporary peditrician because the one I chose (and will still go to) doesn't service the hospital I am going to and I chose that hospital because it's the one most equipped to care for our newborn twins. At least the closest one. It's about 45 minutes away.
• I had my first contraction today. Only 1 in an hour so I'm sure I'm okay. I'm allowed 6 and the FFN was negitive so I'm relieved and not to worried about it.

Well that's my 33rd week in a nutshell. So excited to start week 34. We have about 31 days to do until my dr's goal of July 9th (I'll be in the middle of my 38th week). Not sure if I'll have a belly pic today or not. Maybe tomorrow :). Hope everyone is feeling well and good. Have a great week!

Great day!

Above is baby A. Our sweet baby girl wouldn't look at the camera so this is a fuzzy profile. I love this picture because it looks like she is kissing her sister. You can use her nose as a marker to figure out the rest of the picture. It's not as clear as I would like it to be.

Above is baby B. Here you see her whole face. Everyone says she looks like me. I will ask my mother and she what she says. I see it. I had chubby cheeks and lips when I was a baby.

Both girls scored an 8 during their Biophysical Profiles. 8 is the max. My girls are considered healthy. I'm so happy!! They were allowed an hour to fit all of their test in and we passed in 10 minutes. I have to brag on my little ones..it's my right :).

**Just a quick note...The lack of smile in post below was an accident. It happened to be the best belly shot but worst face shot. I wanted a good belly shot** :)

A letter..

Dear (Boss),

In 2001, I was arrived to New Jersey. I was broke and missing my friends and family. Joining your crew changed all of that. I found a job that I love to come to everyday and friends that have been like family to me. I've gone through so many changes while I've been employed here. I started out as a part time assistant in the afternoon but you knew I wanted so much more. You knew I wanted to be a head teacher and to have my own classroom. It took four years, but you gave me what I wanted. For the last three years, I've walked into my classroom to hugs and smiling faces and that is something you don't get everywhere. I want you to know that I'm thankful for everything you've done for me, it has meant a lot. However, I am regrettfully resigning my position at Harmony. It has been a very hard decision to make and I'm not entirely sure this is what I want but it makes the most sense right now.

Sincerly, (me)

Okay so it's not the best but it's what I'm working on. When I think of not going to work, it's like I have a huge chunk of my world missing. Maybe it's because my babies are still not here, in the flesh and when they are, nothing will be missing. I will miss my job so much but on the other hand, I think I'll enjoy spending countless hours at the park, taking walks, and just hanging out with my girls. Think of the bond we will have.

32 weeks...