Friday, September 26, 2008

Not feeling like a good mommy..

This is my blog, where I can write how I feel. So, how do I feel today? Not very good. Last night we found out we had a mouse in the room the girls spend their day. Not good. Instead of being able to deal with that, Katherine had to take that time to scream her head off instead of going to sleep. After about an hour of dealing with that, I looked at her and in a very firm voice said "Katherine, Stop." She whimpered a bit and then stopped. Not because I told her too but because she had finally exhausted herself. She cried off and on before finally falling asleep. We still have a mouse. Right now, Katie is sleeping on my body pillow in the bedroom. Not the safest way to sleep but the only way she would. So I've been checking on her every few minutes. This morning, she cried and cried and cried. I ignored her for the most part because there is nothing I can do for her. Karly gets ignored all the time. This morning, I loved on Karly, who didn't get anything last night because of Katie.

I love them both to pieces and it hurts when I feel like a bad mom. Once they wake up from their nap my hubby will be home and we can cuddle together as a family and hopefully there will be no screaming.

It's also raining. It's dreary and these are good book and nap days but when you have a baby, there are no more book and nap days. Do I regret my girls? Not in the least but I've started to miss a part of me that doesn't exist anymore. The girl who loved to read and go out with friends, the girl that loved to work and go to the movies. Things I don't see myself enjoying anymore.

That being said, I am going back to work in 5 weeks and I'm scared as hell to do so. What do I do if my girls need me? What if they cry for me? Won't I be getting something I wanted back? A part of me? But it's a part of me without my girls.

Oh I don't is not a good day.................


Anonymous said...

You know what I think? I think that the lack of sunlight because of the rain is causing a serious lack of serotonin in your brain and even the smallest things are seeming sad because of it. I think you need a little sunlight, a little chocolate, and a great big hug from your DH. You're doing a great job and don't doubt yourself because the more you doubt yourself, the more you will believe you really are doing a bad job. I just don't think that is possible!

*HUGS* Keep your chin up, Tina! One day your girls will calm down and you'll be able to squeeze a good book in there somewhere!

Tracy said...

I'm sorry you're having a bad day. :(

One thing my friend has told me, herself the mom of twin boys, is that you can't always be there for each of them as much as you'd like to be. And it's hard. But that's just the way it is.

Is there any way you can get out of the house on occason to do things you like, even if it's only for an hour or two? Have lunch with a girlfriend while your hubby watches the girls? Or, go to the library to read for just a bit with a good cup of coffee? Hope you find peace soon...

For that matter, I hope I do, too!

Sara said...

Sending you a hug because all us moms feel like you do every once in awhile. We went through a screaming phase too and it does pass. This is a really hard time, but it WILL PASS and you will get to be yourself again. And you are so right that you are just a Mommy right now and not yourself. I feel like that too. Hang on!!

Cassie said...

Oh, I'm so sorry! ::HUGS::

Everyone has days like that. I have days like that with my ONE baby, and I have so much respect and admiration for you for managing it with TWO! HOW do you do that?! I can't even fathom.

Crying/growth spurt phases absolutely SUCK. It'll pass soon. And I know it will be hard to go back to work -- it was for me -- but I promise that you will start to get that part of yourself back that you feel like you're missing. I know I did. I honestly believe that some people aren't cut out to be SAHM's, and I'm definitely one of them! I feel like while I get to spend less time with Andrew, the time I DO get to spend with him I really make count because it's that much more precious. I can't imagine how hard it must be to balance two babies, but it sounds to me like you're doing an amazing job. HANG IN THERE!

Oh, and when they start sleeping throught the night? You'll have reading time before you go to sleep!