As I've said before, I've been caring for children since my brother Robert was born 21 years ago. I took care of siblings, I've babysat and then moved onto childcare as a career. I've taken care of all age groups. I've handled 4 infants by myself (not something I would gratefully do again), I've been a nanny to triplet (11mth-22mth) boys, I've cared for a classroom of 2-3 year olds for several years and have also had a few years of 4-6 agers. So what's the problem?
They all belonged to someone else.
I have developed this awful anxiety about having my own kids. I want them so bad and suffered so much to have them. So why am I freaking out? Who knows. Last night I upset myself so bad that I had indegestion..I kid you not.
I was fine. I really was. Until yesterday.
For the last few months, I've been trying to talk to my husband about our birth plan. When to except visitors, taking time to ourselves as a family, to bring the babies in recovery with me if they are well..etc. He has always blown me off with "We'll see" "Don't know" "We'll think about it" and "Maybe".
Yesterday...he comes upstairs and says that his mom is coming at 11 (when I have to be at the hosptial for prep) and she's going to stay all day. Now I start thinking "Why is he talking about our day with his mother when I can't get anything out of him?" So it set me off. We got into a huge fight and came up with a settlement. She can sit all she wants in the waiting room. I will not have visitors until I'm ready and if she wants to sit in the waiting room downstairs from 11-5 then by all means, let her. I know she has no intentions of staying downstairs and she will be upstairs about 1130 but hubby doesn't think so, so I'll let him figure that out. She is basically getting what she wants. I'm not.
The next problem is my fault. I told my hubby that I wanted him to take vacation starting the day we came home. Now that means he has to work while I'm in the hospital. He won't work the day I go in or the day I go home but he will the rest which means I won't be seeing him very much only at night. Which means I'm going to be alone most of the day. That made me a bit depressed. All my friends have jobs so I can't really say when they will be popping in and out and I have no family that will be here so I won't have any of that.
So last night I basically had anxieties about the unknown, having no control over any situation and am unable to plan anything because everyone else is in control of my day. So far I've had no say in anything. Even yelling and arguing isn't helping. I've put my foot down and got nowhere. I really have no control and for someone with an anxiety/panic disorder having no control over anything, is a bad, bad thing. I feel helpless and pretty much alone in this feeling and unless you've felt it, you have no idea. The worst part is, is that I have no more therapy appointments until after the babies are here.
So what do I do? My meds are out of the question. I gave those up to have healthy beautiful babies and I don't regret it. Relaxing is a little difficult. So I blogged the feelings, got them out and off my chest. We'll see if that helps.