Beams from the WTC that were placed in our town overlooking the river.

Girls looking into reflecting pool

On the light rail for the first time

First light rail ride

Having hotdogs in Frank Sinatra Park in Hoboken

My dinner at the Hoboken Italian Festival

Waiting for fireworks

The Island we watched the fireworks from

Last night we attending the Hoboken Italian Festival.  The girls had a great time.  It was their first trip to Hoboken.  We took the light rail and walked to the park.  We had a blast.  The girls had hotdogs, watermelon cream soda, some root beer, some ice cream and we watched a great fireworks show. 

The beam of light was up from where the towers once stood and I have a pic on my phone but I'll share that another day.

Going home was a little crazy.  It was almost midnight and we had to go to Newport to catch the light rail home.  Because it was the light rail (and the day before the 9-11 10 year anniversary)  there were tons of cops carrying big guns.  It's been quiet here though.  I'm, of course, worried about the threatened attacks today.  The big football game is tonight and they are searching everyones car before letting them in. 


It's been a nice day.  My friend had her baby.  He's sooo tiny and I'm in love.  Made me want another little one but not enough to do IVF again :)

The ugly truth ..

Okay so I've been ignoring all the signs. I know I'm ignoring them because I'm a stubborn person. I always have been. When I want to do something, I do it. Even if it means I'll fall flat on my face and end up in a worse situation than before. I still do it.

I was dx with an anxiety/panic disorder years ago. Years and years ago. Like 15 years ago. I was on meds for awhile but wanted to go it without them. Went back on them. When I wanted to have a baby, I couldn't take it. I weaned myself off and sought out therapy. She really really helped me. Got me through, taught me how to deal and manage a life med-free.

Well....

My body has really been showing signs that I NEED to go back on anxiety meds. I've been ignoring them but now they are all getting to me. It started with the heart palpitations and that feeling of dread/panic. I calmed myself down. Then I started getting little muscle twitches that I ignored. Then I started feeling tired all the time. Really ran down. Fast forward to now, my body hurts. I feel like I have the flu. I flub my words, my short term memory is all screwed up. I don't rest. I'm always worried about something. Objects make me angry. Just a little bit ago, the sound of the magazine flapping by the fan was driving me nuts. I find myself griping things a little too tight. I choke on nothing. I'll just be walking and start choking on air. Happens more than a hundred times a day. I get nervous and I've been snapping. I have great restraint at work but I will forget that I'm reading a book, I'll read the wrong words, forget what's next, and when I come home I just can't seem to talk or interact. I spend about half an hour with family, then it's time to hide in the bedroom until I have to come out.

I can't take living like this. I don't mind being on the medicine but I always hoped I wouldn't have to take it again. I know why I am an anxious person. I know how it started, when it started and I don't want my girls to be anxious or panicky. I want them to be sane haha (J/K) I want them to stay positive and not worry about every little thing like their mother.

I just feel the need to get this out somewhere. All day it felt like my heart was pumping water and I couldn't take a breath. Donald is home all weekend so that will be good for me. I usually do Saturdays by myself.

I guess I should go to bed. I do need lots and lots of sleep.

Turning my blog into a book .. hmm

Some of the post on here aren't really keep worthy but a ton of them are. I was thinking of making this blog into a book. Here are the prices: Hard cover/full color-$99, Soft cover/full color-$89, soft cover/b&w-$32.

I could do the $32 but the others are a bit steep. Last night I spent a lot of time reading my older posts and wondered what would happen if I lost this site. That's 4 years of memories I'd lose. Funny part, when I read the blog entry and then saw the comments button, I could remember exactly what the comments said before clicking to read it.

I love my blog. I think I will most definitely print most of it out. Ramblings of work and stuff aren't that important but my IVF and my pregnancy and the girls first few years is.

Work:

It's the first week with a new set of kids. They are mostly young. I have a few that don't turn 2 until the end of October. I usually have the older toddlers. Those that turn 3 in November so this is different.

The first day was okay. They cried, they laughed, they cried some more. Parents on my case asking why their child is crying. I have to keep telling them that it's normal. They look at me like I'm crazy. The second day I said "Look. I've been doing this for more than 10 years. It's normal. It happens every single September and there's nothing anyone can do. They are going to have to cry until they see that they are happy. I don't know why they need to cry but they do."

My girls never cried. Not one day at drop off. I really don't know why some kids cry. I'm not talking about the ones that cry for a little bit in the morning at separation and then go play. I'm talking about the scream-until-I-vomit and then scream some more and more and more and more. I have a few that cry All.Day.Long.

It's like I'm torturing them. We do everything to make them happy and sometimes you just have to let them cry.

They are going to their job and I'm going to spend the day with your screaming child. Yes, I will heat up their food. Yes, I will give them something to drink. Yes, I will change their diaper. Yes yes yes!! Not my first walk in the park, ya know?

Just say "Thank you" and Get off my back.

vent over.

9/11

I posted last year, I'll post it again. Simply for myself but this year I added a video/song that touches my soul.

I had just moved here. I wonder if that's why it is so stuck in memory. I saw something posted on FB saying that you can't remember what you did last Tuesday but I bet you remember what happened 10 years ago Tuesday. And I do.

I remember everything. I remember it was a beautiful sunny day. I remember saying bye to boyfriend and then rolling over to go back to sleep. I remember getting up a little before 9 to answer the phone and I remember Donald's words : "Are you okay?" "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"
"Have you turned on the tv?" "No, should I?" "The towers were hit." "What towers?" "The WTC towers. The ones we just visited."

I turned on the tv and watched in horror. It was happening right outside. When Donald came home we walked up the block and watch through tears. All you could see was smoke, smoke and more smoke. The smell was horrid.

The days that past were grim. Very few people on the streets, the smell of decay and smoke.

This is one of my favorite songs and it's set to a video. Donald and I are going to take a walk and take some photos of the Freedom Tower next week.

End of summer pt. 2

Today we went to the zoo. We have a membership and haven't hardly used it so we thought we'd go. I wish I could write about the fun happy time we had but the truth is it just wasn't a good time. For us.

Katie had the biggest attitude. She was talking back, throwing tantrums and a few times told me she was "running away". She wanted in the stroller, out of the stroller wanted to push the stroller and walk. Karly screamed "NO" at every exhibit we walked up to. "NO MONKEYS!" "NO LLAMAS" etc you get the point.

I told the girls I was going to smack their little butts if kept it up and they said "Mommy! Don't smack me!" Which made me look like an award winning parent. Still we smiled and made the best of our very demanding together day. There were a few exhibits they enjoyed. The liked the aquarium, birds and the penguins.

They asked to go to McDonalds. We were happy to say "Yes" because we thought it would make them happy and we could sit down and have a nice unhealthy lunch. Nope. Katie refused to eat through herself under the table, kicked the table and just refused to be good.

They refused to nap. They are still up being awful and I decided to sit here and blog while Donald takes a turn to deal with them..and that's what we are doing. Dealing with them until we can get to bedtime. I had to use the restroom before and when I came back in the room, they had dumped the entire contents of my wallet and purse onto the floor. When I asked them what they were doing, Karly said she was "Looking for dollars".

I will probably take them out for a walk after dinner to really wear there little hineys out so they sleep good and hopefully sleep in tomorrow.

Next two days are cleaning (which should be fun). Here are a few happy moments of our day.

Goodbye to Summer part 1 ..

Being that this is the last weekend of Summer and life goes back to normal come Tuesday, we decided to do a few things this weekend. Well we were going to do a lot of things but rain will keep us in.

Today we spent the day at the beach. Uncle E and Kathy came with us, as did a friend and her son from work. We went to our favorite spot but the hurricane sure did a number on it. There was no damage to structures or the boardwalk but where we usually sit was under water. Most of the beach was underwater. We had to keep moving farther back because the waves were coming all the way in.

At one point, Karly was playing with Donald and I had my back turned. I heard Karly yell and turned around and she was being knocked down by a wave. Donald ran and grabbed her and she was upset. We were no where near the water so I was a bit surprised. We moved farther back and I sat down to dig in the sand with the girls when another wave came and knocked over my brothers cooler and moved the girls toys back. The girls took off running.

We moved farther away again. Now there was a good amount of space between the ocean and us but that didn't stop the waves. They kept coming up and over our stuff. We moved farther back and Donald pointed out that our first campsite was completely under water. The high tide made a little river through the middle of the beach but the kids were so traumatized by the water coming to them that they wanted no part in it.

At the end of the day we all said goodbye to Uncle E and Kathy. I will miss them but they had a great visit. I'm burned and exhausted and the girls need a shower and bed but they are still too excited to stop playing.

Our first squatting spot. Nice distance from the water, still close enough.

Where my brother and his girlfriend are standing is where we had our second squat spot. Our first was completely covered with water. Crazy!!

It's a dark photo but still cute.

An idea of how rough the water was, but it was still nice to go in.

Pictures :)

This is the Library Area. Exciting, I know :)

My theme is year is nature/outside. Here are 5 green and speckled frogs on their log :)

A little bit of creativity from one of the new staff members. Cute huh?

Part of my mural, I'll post more about it in a few.

Another part of the mural. The mother duck and ducklings I drew and colored out of posterboard using the book "Little Quack" has a subject. I think it looks nice inside the pond mural.

The entire Mural. Love it!

Circle Time!

My little room.

So excited to be done. Only took 34 hours and 3 days to get it done. I'm so sore but it looks very good ( I think anyway :) )

The mural was done by a friend and coworker and we added all the animals and ducks separately.

Ms. C and Ms. T both started today. I didn't like that Ms. L (my intended assistant) found out on her own what was going one. She kind of go upset.

Both new staff are very nice and I think they will do good. I don't know exactly if they understand what a room full of Toddlers is like but we will try our best I'm sure.

This blows big poo..

Can't vent about this anywhere so I'll do it here. Someone I work with, who has been out on maternity refuses to call and let us know if she's coming back or not soooo we have to make some changes. They hired someone to replace said person but she can't work where said person was supposed to work so the new person is working with me and the person that I'm supposed to work with and have for the last two days is going to work where said person was supposed to work.

I'm so annoyed. and frustrated. and upset. and just played ticked off. I have to start the year with TWO new teachers who have NO EXPERIENCE in the field other than babysitting. This job is nothing like babysitting and come September, when I have 14 crying children, I need a good assistant. Someone whos weathered a storm or two. UGH! Boss says I can shape her and teach her..blech!

On a positive note, working 23 hours the last two days has made for one cute cute room. Pics to come soon :)

Pictures

Girls getting their beanbag chairs and balloons on their 3rd birthday

Playing at the splash pad

Girls at the beach

Beach time

At school on their Birthday

Playing in tubs

Girls and their birthday gifts

The Nemo cake .. the only thing I could find that was actually Nemo

Birthday Party

At the river with my mom and sister on vacation

Ramblings..

So I'm sitting in my bed, Katie is laying next me, Karly is on the other side and we're watching cars. My brother and his girlfriend are sleeping in the living room and I don't feel like making breakfast just yet.

Some thoughts. I can't believe my girls have finished their first year of "school". They learned so much. We taught them their colors, shapes, numbers and letters but they just learned so much more. Their social skills are very good, Katie's more than Karly's, but it's 100 times better than it was last August. They are just more aware of everything and they understand what goes on.

Next Tuesday, Sept 6th, they begin a new school year in a new bigger class. I got the teachers I asked for and I LOVE the assistant teacher. The new lead teacher is very good. Her lesson plans are out of the box and she pushes the kids to do more and learn more. My girls need that. They will also start a spanish class and I was thinking about adding Yoga but it would cost 150-300 to send the girls and that's a bit steep, so they probably won't. I've also thought about just sending Katie. I don't think that Karly would actually enjoy it at all. Karly is more of a quiet person and wouldn't enjoy that kind of activity but it's good for her so I would eventually her to join as well.

We had our first (and hopefully last) Earthquake. The news said it was a 5. 8 and they have no idea where the fault line was. All I know is that I was standing at the sink and I started to feel like I was going to faint. I looked at my assistant who was sitting down and she starts laughing at me. I say "I think I'm gonna faint" and she laughs and says "Nope, Look the room is moving". I look around and the blinds are swinging the walls are moving. When it was over, I felt like throwing up and my head hurt a lot. The phone lit up and I tried to walk but it was like I was drunk lol.

I can honestly say I was a little worried. We had no idea. Some people were talking about terroists attacks, some thought there was demolition. I text my husband and said "WTF is going on?" He didn't respond. I said "Hello?" and then "Babe!" He responded with "Earthquake, Virginina, 5.8" We spent the day laughing at ourselves. There was no damage and other than a book that fell off our shelf.

My work hours officially changed. I work 8-5 with the possibility of working until 5:30 because I have a new assistant and she needs to be trained. If she isn't any good, I'll have to stay to train her but I'm not looking forward to that, the overtime pay-yes, the extra half hour? No.

My new class is a tough one. I have a few with stranger anxiety, a few with parents who teach no discipline and a few with an attitude far beyond their years but you know what? It doesn't matter. I'm sure we'll be fine :) Right?

My brother is coming to see us :)

My oldest younger brother Eric is coming to see us tomorrow and staying until Wednesday. This was hard to pull off because my in laws don't like visitors.

I'm kind of annoyed because of Hurricane Irene and the fact that she thinks she should come during his visit and ruin everything. I'm a little worried because it's supposed to be really bad on Sunday.

Of course I have to work Friday and then Monday-Wednesday, so I won't have that much time with him. We'll make the most of it though. The important thing is, he'll have enough time to spend with the girls.

I had an accidental sneak peak at the schedule for September. My hours are being changed from 8:30-5:30 to 8:00 to 5:00. I'm so happy. To be home before 6 will be great. I am at work before 8 anyhow so now I'll just continue. I am also not going to have to work with the problem staff member. Also very happy.

Katie has been starting to throw tantrums. Horrible tantrums. The jumping up and down and screaming at the top of her lungs tantrums. She throws these tantrums when it's time to go home. They only thing we can think of is is that we have been telling her she is going to a new room in September and that next week there isn't any school and she'll be staying home ...

Katie loves going to school. She can't wait to go in the morning and I think she hates weekends because she can't go. She is a very bright child and needs to be doing something at all times and at home she has a lot of free time. We take her to park, for walks, on errands but it's not school. We have decided to stop telling her because it may be making her anxious.

Work is crazy

At the end of this week, we close our doors until the Tuesday after Labor Day. Everything is crazy. Some staff are leaving and everyone is waiting for room assignments.

A few months ago, I posted about a teacher having issues in the classroom. Well, she's going to be my new assistant this year. My afternoon helper. This should be fun being that she doesn't like me. She wants to work full time, but my boss isn't going to let her work full being that she isn't up to standards. I'm excited about my morning assistant. I worked with her the year I found out I was pregnant, she was actually the first person I told. I had only worked with her about a month when I got the phone call and nearly passed out. She said "Are you okay, Ms. Tina?" I said "I'm pregnant". She kept a really good secret though. Anyway she's a sweetheart and I'm excited.

However, due to some staff leaving, others aren't as lucky to have a home. We are 4 staff members short for September. The center I work for has a 2 year waiting list approximately and this year we are packed. So needless to say, it's a bit crazy.

In other news, my yearbook is complete, certificates have been filled out, progress reports are done and lesson plans are almost done for the month of September. I'm happy :) .

Where did the summer go?

This summer was so busy and full of fun things and it flew by. We took numerous trips to the beach, took the girls to their first 2 movies and of course our vacation.

In July we took the girls to see Cars 2 and Winnie the Pooh. They didn't care for Cars (neither did mommy or daddy). They did good during it though. I took them by myself to Winnie the Pooh and they did so well. They sat through the entire movie and we only had to do one potty break.

We also made a lot of trips to the water park and also just enjoyed our backyard.

Then there was the girls birthday party. I can't believe they turned 3. We had a nice backyard party with plenty of food and lots of water (and a little malibu). They wanted a Nemo party and I agreed to it before I realized that Nemo has been discontinued. I tried to change the girls' mind but they wanted no part of it. So I did what any mom would do, I scoured the internet and the dollar stores, the party stores, asked around and finally I went to Oriental Trading. If you've never been to their website or seen their magazines, you should.

We settled on a tropical fish theme and found a bunch of Clown Fish stuff. We filled the backyard with fish, fish decals, stuck fish stickers all over the blue tablecloths, it totally worked out and the girls had no idea it wasn't "Nemo".

They had over 500 water balloons, 3 tubs of water, a pool, water table and the hose. It was a great time.

We had a lot of fun as a family this year and I know next year we will have even more as the girls get older.

I know why I love my job :)

9 years ago, I was an assistant teacher. There was a new child starting. The sweetest little girl. She was Turkish and spoke no English. You could tell this little 3 year old was afraid and felt alone. She would sit there with this sad face and she always looked miserable. I made it a mission to put a smile on her face.

After a few months, she started to open up and at quiet times, I helped her speak English. She had this incredible head of hair she always wanted me to fix for her. She held my hand, always looked for me and I just felt bonded with her.

She eventually had to move up. I checked on her when I could and she was growing into such a wonderful little lady. I moved up to head teacher and had her brother, so I'd see her a little more then it was time for her to graduate and move on. It happens. Every August we say a heartfelt/heartbreaking good bye to the kids we've cared for for the last 4 years and get ready for a new batch.

Fast forward to today. I'm sitting in my room working on lesson plans for September and my boss opens the door and calls me. I stand up to come towards her but standing next to her was my little friend. I got all teary eyed and even though she's as tall as I am now, I recognized her in an instant and grabbed her in a hug.

I had to hug her 3 times, I couldn't believe how grown up she was. I asked her mom where her son, K was and she looked at my boss and said "I can't believe she remembers my sons name".

Every child that I've ever cared for has a special spot in my heart. Some I still keep in touch with, some I don't but I'll never forget one.

I love my job.

A little update..

Girls are potty trained!!!! Those of you who know me, know that we've been potty training since forever and really boot camp training since June, so you can say I'm over the moon to be saying this.

Katie refused to use the potty, was always wet so we did what you do, we took her diaper away and gave her undies and told her not to peepee on the floor. It worked. She hasn't had one accident yet and it's been 9 days.

Karly was doing very good on the potty but she got embarrassed about doing #2 in her undies so she started doing it more and more so we put her back into a pullup. She's back to doing excellent.

We have gotten rid of diapers, except for bedtime (which I will stop once I go to babies r u to get waterproof sheets). I have a bunch of clothing at school and a bunch in the car. We are good to go.

Work is work. Getting very busy now that the year is ending. I am set to take over a room that will be mine for my next two years. In 2013, we are set to move. It's almost in stone.

Girls are doing very well. They are happy and learning and growing. They just went to the dentist for the first time and yes there was a lot of screaming. No cavities and she didn't even know that Karly sucked her thumb.

Oh and more good news about a month ago, Katie told me she didn't need her pacifier anymore. I left it on her bed (it's still on her bed) but she won't use it. I just keep it there, not sure why.

Where were we?

OH yeah, I was supposed to blog about my second week and I will, one day. Blogger has been such a pain and not working for me. I can't post blogs or comments, so those of you I read, I've been just keeping track of you on facebook :) Going to catch up when I can.

I have awesome news!!

Wait for it ...

Not sure if I posted a few months ago about the upcoming classroom changes. I would have to go back to preschool come September but I had put in a request to stay in Toddlers? Well I get to .... REMAIN in TODDLERS!!! I have to move to another room yet again and that's okay.


So excited!!

Girls are doing very well. Katie isn't feeling too good at the moment but they are growing and learning. Potty training is going and going and going. We aren't going forwards or backwards. They go at home, refuse to go at school. School is where they spend all their waking hours so I don't know what to do. So frustrating.

Vacation 2011 Week One.

We started our vacation on Saturday. We left the house at 6:30 am and we were off. We arrived in Indiana around 7 and went to dinner at Cracker Barrel for dinner. The girls were so well behaved. Then even went to sleep with no issues at the hotel.


The next day was a little tougher on them. We ended up having to stop more as they were just going stir crazy. Indiana had a few nice rest areas and even one with a park.

Before long we made it to my moms house. The girls jumped in her pool first thing with clothes on so we had to undress. They didn't mind since it was very hot. AFter a short visit, we finished our drive to my grandmas.
We always stay at my grandmas when we go home. I stay in the room I always stayed in a kid and lived in as a teenager. The girls sleep in what was once my grandpas quiet room. Both rooms give us tons of space and privacy.



Monday: Lake Springfield and swimming and grandma and poppops pool

Tuesday: Visiting grandma and the cousins



Wednesday: We took the day easy. Visited some of my old friends and went to dinner with my dad. Very nice day.


Thursday; We drove to Texas. Girls did so good on the 13 hour car ride :)



Friday: Schlitterbaun Waterpark






Saturday: We had lunch with my Aunt and Uncle and my cousins family. It was great to see them again. Then we went to the Childrens Musuem in Downtown Austin.





Sunday: We made the long track back to Missouri.

I hate my body .. :(

I've been dieting since easter. Homemade salad, wheat pasta (only once a week), basically no bread .. Low calories, low carbs and low fat and exercise ....

I gained 3 pounds :( .. Initially I lost 7 pounds but it looks as if the scale is going up.

My fight with PCOS is a losing battle. I give up.

Then and now..

Today we went to the Fourth Annual Baby Jubilee. Our RE, Dr, N, has an event where he invites all the parents who have had a live birth (from ART) in the last four years. It's at the Seasons and very nice. I love all the babies you see. Singles, twins, triplets all in one room. It's great. The food is fantastic. We didn't go the first year because the girls hadn't arrived yet but we've gone to the last three. Next year is our last one but we took some great photos tonight but before I show any I wanted to take a stroll down memory lane.

The girls were 9 months old in this photo. Karly is being held by a wonderful man. His name is Dr. N. He was my reproductive Endocrinologist. If you've been a long time reader, you know that my relationship with this dr was a long one. I've cried on his shouldler, yelled at him, doubted him and even walked away from him but when I was ready to talk to him, he always welcomed me back and put me at the top of his list. When they raised the prices $2000 and it looked like we were going to get smacked again, he told us not to worry about it. He gave us our money back after both failed attempts and called me himself to tell me I was pregnant. I love this man to pieces and thank God for him daily.

This was last year. I love seeing how much the girls have grown in just a year.

This year we weren't able to get a picture with Dr. N because the girls weren't having it but they did say "Hi" to him and we talked to him for awhile. He asked me if I was done or if I wanted to try again. I told him we were blessed with these two and they completed our family. He said I had such a hard, long road trying to get pregnant with these two, he understood why. He said they were beautiful and I hugged him and thanked him again for my beautiful girls.


Girls, 9 months old (First Baby Jubilee)
Girls, 34 months old (Third Baby Jubilee)
Girls, 9 months old

Girls, 22 months old (Second Jubilee)


Girls, 34 months old (Third Baby Jubilee)

We found out tonight that they are going to have them for the first five years then have a huge one at 10 years. I hope we are able to come back here for it as in 6 years I hope we aren't living here haha.

Big news!

Today we met with Katie's occupational therapist after Katies evaluation. She is now advanced in everything she was delayed in and there isn't really any evidence to support their previous thoughts of an Auditory Processing Delay. They told us to keep letting her go outside and explore her surroundings, to let her take things in and she will grow and learn naturally.

We are so proud of her. Not too long ago I was sitting in the hallway after her initial evaluation crying and now she's surpassed her goals. We will continue to help her the way we have been the last few months. June 29th will probably be her last appointment unless we terminate earlier. Right now we feel the continued one on one will still benefit her so as long as we are qualified to get the therapy, we will.

I haven't lost any weight this week but I haven't gained any weight either. I haven't worked out AT ALL (other than dancing and jumping around with 2 and 3 year olds) but I've been keeping the types of food I eat in check. I keep sugar, flour and carbs at a minimum. Your body needs a certain amount of those foods but I only eat them when combined with healthy choices but can I tell you that I want a sandwich and I want some rigitoni!!!

I need to kick my diet dr pepper habit. Dont buy it? Yeah tried that. Came home from work the other day and Donald said "Hey babe, I noticed you haven't had any soda so I bought you a 12 pack of diet dr pepper. " Thanks. haha.