Got to see my babies today...

This morning, I did not want to go to work and I probably shouldn't of even tried. I left late (allowing myself 12 minutes to get to work) to start off with. While waiting at a red light, someone rear-ended me. It made me jerk, hard. I jumped out of my car to see no damage, which shocked me because of the force. Seeing no damage, the guy apologized and asked me if I was okay, I told him yes, no harm and went on my way. Once I got to work, though, I started having pains in my left side. I started to worry because Baby B is on my left side. I started to become anxious and I talked to the nurse who said everything was fine, I just needed to relax. I couldn't relax. It took me almost 4 years to get to this point and I wasn't taking any chances. I called my OB expecting to hear, you're okay I'll see you at your appointment Jan 21st but instead I got a "You need to come here this morning". I left work and drove 45 minutes to my OB and she did an u/s to look at them. They are perfect still and no problems. Now I'm just really really sore. My back is hurting and my neck is a bit stiff and I still have slight cramps but my babies are FINE!!! That is all that matters to me.

I called my grandma today and I talked to her about Billy for awhile. It was hard listening to my grandma cry. She must be hurting so much. I just wanted to hug her. Life can be so hard...

I'm happy and I'm heartbroken..

Today I'm 10 weeks. I will be celebrating the new year 10weeks and 1 day pregnant. Wow. I finally went to a baby store last night and I found all kinds of exciting things. Cribs, bassinets, high chairs, swings lots of stuff. The cutest little outfits and my hubby and I decided that is going to be our weakness. We have been avoiding all stuff "baby" and we are still afraid of jinxing ourselves but we didn't buy anything. There is no harm in looking. In 2 weeks and 2 days, I'll have my NT scan and if all is as it should, we will be telling the world. I can't wait!!!

On a sadder note, my cousin Billy died last night. My mom called when we were out to dinner and told me. It was sad, but it made me numb. I didn't know how to react. At first, I don't think I believed it. But as the night progressed, it became very clear that we lost one of our cousins.

I was the first grandchild born to Clyde and Mary. Then came Luke, Marlin, Timothy, Eric, Samuel, Billy, John, Robert, Kayla, Nicky, Christian, Hannah and Joshua.

We grew up together. Spent every Christmas together. Stayed for days wearing my Grandparents out. We all lived not a mile from each other. Now one of us is gone. How do you wrap yourself around that? As these thoughts churned in my head, my tears started. All I could think was "His poor mother. What she must be going through." All parents love their children but she really loved Billy. Not in a wierd way, just as a "he's my life". Both of her children are.

I used to babysit Billy and last night all I could hear him say was "Tina, don't you think the Dodge Ram is the best truck. It is right? When I get bigger I'm going to get one of them" He did. I'm not sure if he ever bought his Dodge Ram before his love of motorcycles came into the picture. He died in a motorcycle crash.....

George William "Billy" Cowen, 22 years old, you will be missed.

Nothing to update...

I'm 9 weeks 3 days. I feel tired but pretty good. Still cramping, so I'll take that as a sign I'm still growing. Yesterday was christmas and I told everyone. Only three more weeks before I tell everyone.
My next appointment is on Jan 15th. I will be doing the NT scan. They'll be checking everything, making sure the babies are growing the right way. I'm somewhat nervous but I have the Lord on my side and I know he's taking care of my babies. They are a gift from him, afterall.
Took my first bath since I've gotten pregnant and it was wonderful! Just had to add that.
Hmmmmmmmmm, I always have stuff I want to talk about but when I get signed on, it disappears. OH I remember.
Told my family on Christmas that I was expecting two babies in the summer. My mom, sisters and brother was happy for me. My dad said he was happy if I was happy but had lots of reasons why I shouldn't be. I'm still over the moon in love with my babies and I'm sure he will be soon, as once as he meets them.
My sister got engaged this weekend. I'm not usually selfish but I wanted my news to be the only news shared at the time. I wanted it to be talked about and thought about alone. I know how it sounds but it took me almost 4 years to get pregnant and I've dreamed about this moment forever. I got my moment and it was great!

Only 3 more weeks!!

Only three weeks until I can tell the world! I'll be 9 weeks tomorrow and I'm telling my family on Christmas day!! Time seems to be standing still but flying at the same time. I want everyone to know of my good fortune but I'm afraid to let it go. hmmm confusing?

My intuition says i'm having two boys but I had a dream it was one of each. I'm not sure which one is right.

I've gained 3 pounds in 2 days. I guess I held it off as long as I could. OH well...grow babies grow!

Saw my babies again!

Today was my first OB appointment. It was amazing. We talked about how much weight I should gain, she said if I wanted to continue dieting I could as long as it was enough for the babies and we saw them. Baby A (the baby is the square) is measuring 8w3d. Just perfect. With a heartbeat of 166 bpm. Baby A is laying across my uterus enjoying the time. Baby B (that little barely white dot) is hanging out in my left side and you are looking at his hiney. Baby B is either uncooperative or really shy :). Baby B was measuring 8w2d and had a heartbeat of 167 bpm. I love them soo much. I got to see their little hearts a beating away and it was so beautiful. She told me that I will have a lot of ultrasounds and asked me how July 4th sounded to have them. Maybe July 5th, I'd prefer. If it was one, I'd be due the 27th of July. I am still in awe and can't believe I have been blessed with two miracles!

Well...

Tomorrow I will be 8 weeks. I've finished two months. I'm two months pregnant. Wow. I am so ever greatful for those 2 months. I loved the last two months. Full of wonderful things. Finally making it to ER, having two blast (well one and almost one) at ET, getting a postive pregnancy test at home and having it confirmed by the dr. Telling my husband. Telling my mom. Seeing two sacs. Hearing two heartbeats. Seeing tears in my husbands eyes after watching the hearts beat. Him telling me that, although he's scared, it's going to be okay. Listening to my mom cry when I tell her it's twins. And finally finishing week 8.

I can't wait to share with the world. Last night at the work party, I wanted to take the mic and yell "I'm having twins". Instead I absent mindedly mentioned it to someone I never talk to and not sure I can trust. When she asked when I had given birth, I dumbly responded I hadn't yet. She started saying congrats and I told her to shhhh. She's a baby so hopefully she'll understand and mums the word.

Life.

I know I'm only 7 weeks (tomorrow) but I love being pregnant. I mean there is the morning sickness, the moodiness, the exhaustion, the urge to eat everything in sight one second and everything make you want to vomit the next, but I love it! I feel changes that I can't explain, see things changing and it's exciting. It's amazing what your body is capable of doing by itself.

I graduated from my RE on thursday. I was kind of upset about it because I thought I had more time there. Graduating is an excellent thing, don't get me wrong, but it was still sad. I've been there for two years and it's finally paid off but I said my goodbyes and left. My RE said he would check up on me to see how I was doing during my pregnancy so that was nice.

I made my first appointment with an OB. I found one named Dr. Lin Vikner. I didn't know if this person was male or female but SHE fits the hospital affiliations I have narrowed it down too. I want either Hackensack or Valley. I'm leaning more on The Valley Hospital because they just seem so wonderful and my RE is with them so that makes me more comfortable. I hope she does another u/s and realizes what a pain in the ass patient I am going to be. These are my babies and I want to make sure everything is okay all the time.

I'm also hoping to be out of work by May. My job is stressful and physically demanding and exhausting. I'm not sure how I'll do it pregnant with twins. I see women pregnant with a singleton and the struggle to make it til the month before and just last week one of the girls' water broke in the bathroom and shes was a month early. Her baby is doing great though.

Seems I've been having nightmares lately. I know dreams change when you get pregnant. They become more vivid, a little scary but these are awful.

The most amazing things EVER!

I heard the most beautiful sound today. My babies hearts were beating in sync and it was amazing. I saw the fluttering and I cried. Both were beating. Both are growing. I am right on target. These are my babies. I love them like crazy.

Second U/S tomorrow...

We, of course, are hoping to see two heartbeats tomorrow. I'm more on the positive side and thinking that we will see our baby's heartbeats tomorrow. I am prepared to ask more questions like, How far along are the measuring? How big are they? and When are they due? lol I think I know that one but I'm not sure when they tell you.

I'm feeling pregnant. I have started the lovely morning sickness. I wake up with my stomach turning, it stops around noon and starts again in the evening. I force myself to eat and try to not think about what I'm eating because if I do, I won't eat it. I've lost 2 pounds already but I gained 5 doing IVF so that's ok. It's just water. I'm 6w3d today, at least by my calculations. The dr's will tell me tomorrow what I really am. I think my boobs have definately increased in size. Being a D already, I'm a little nervous about getting bigger. Veins are starting to show and they are sensitive to the touch. I'm a little sensitive and have been getting upset, either angry or weepy, quickly. My hair doesn't fall out in the shower anymore and people think I've done something with it. I think it's great! The last one..I'm exhausted. When I close my eyes, sometimes I don't think they are going to open. Even at work with lots of kiddies running around.

I think I'll close and go to bed. I have to be up at 530 am tomorrow to drive through the snow to my dr's office and it's been a rollercoaster day.

The next day...

Okay, the thought of twins has made me excited. I'm ready for two and was awake a lot last night thinking about what needs to be done to prepare...yes I know, it's early. I am also praying and worrying about next thursday. I want to see two hearbeats. I was okay with having one, but now that I'm pregnant with two, I want both to make it. I haven't told anyone in my life that I'm having twins. I feel it will jinx it. So we are hoping and praying for strong heartbeats next thursday. Pray for us

Wowo!

There are two. We are having twins. I am trying to sit on this information until we have two heartbeats. I can't believe we are having twins!! Here is a picture of my babies. I love them already!!!!

First U/S tomorrow!!

Tomorrow is my first ultrasound. I am so excited. Just needed to update!

5 Weeks!!!!

I'm 5 weeks today!! 1 month and 1 week. I feels great! In honor of week 5, I went out and bought a digital (they're expensive!) and took it. It said Pregnant! Not that I didn't think it would, but in the past (back when I thought it would be easy), I would run to the store, buy the digital and run to the bathroom to take it. Little did I know that these test are the worst to buy because they aren't as sensitive. So every dame time this thing would say "Not Pregnant" and it would be a knife to the heart. I vowed that when I did get pregnant, the first thing I would do is take a digital and have my revenge. It was sweet. I felt like I was finding out for the first time. My hubby didn't understand. He said (in his usually sarcastic way): " So, you take 2 test that come up postive, the RE himself calls you to tell you that the beta was postive and then the nurse calls to say congrats and schedules you and ultrasound and you don't believe it. But, you go and take a digital and now you believe it?" Oh he doesn't understand :)

I've gained 5.8 pounds. This isn't good. I didn't want to gain any in the first month, as you don't have too. I've too sensitive about gaining weight right now. I still have 8 months to go and I've already gained 5 of 25 I should gain. Maybe it's water weight because I haven't changed my style of eating. If anything, I've eaten less. My meals are healthy (well except last night..I had shepards pie..it was goood). but I had brocolli with it.

Those are my ramblings for today. Have a great one!

The joy of tummy troubles...

I'm not sure yet what it is. I know the progesterone can give you cramps but I'm thinking it can my your tummy queesy? I started dry heaving and gagging in line at jcp today! I was so embarrassed. My friend felt bad because all she said was lets go for "cheeburger cheeburger" and get milkshakes, and that was all it took. I think it was too early to mention food. It was 730 am, but now it's funny.

So I went shopping today. I had a blast and spent lots of money. I think I shopped for everyone though!

Giving Thanks....

"Thanks be to Him for this indescrible gift." 2 Corinthians 9:15 --
I can not express how happy I am. God gave me something I already love with all my heart. It's been 47 months since starting this journey.......Thanks be to God.

I've been feeling pretty crampy, with twinges and pulling. I don't know what 'Eggbert' is doing in there but I'm sure he's getting comfy, or at least that's what I'm praying for. Our ultrasound is next Thursday and I'm kind of nervous at what we see.

My back is hurting for all the gas I have suddenly decided to have. Don't know why I'm gassy. Maybe something I ate. My ribs feel like they are being pulled apart. None of it is departing. At this point, it can leave whichever way it chooses :). TMI sorry..

Wow oh Wow!!!

I got my beta test done today. It was 175! I am beyond happy. We have an u/s and b/w next Thursday. After I see the u/s, maybe I'll feel more like I should be feeling. My lower belly hurts a bit with the pulling and the bloating but I feel it's totally worth it.

Nov 18th...9dp5dt

Okay so it's been 9 days since my transfer. My life has been a rollercoaster this last week. On Wednesday I had bleeding at work. More than spotting, just red bleeding. I went home and stayed on my couch all day Thursday and it has all stopped. Due to that, I decided to test. I tested Friday morning (at 1 AM) and it was postive. It was soooo light though. So I'm not reading anything into it. On Saturday, I tested again. The line was a little darker. I wish I could enjoy this but until I see an ultrasound, I don't think I'll be able too. I feel nauseaus a lot. All we can do is pray for good news tomorrow. I'm feeling very optimistic but a little pessimistic as well. "I think, therefore, I am."

Nov 15th: Cycle day 26...

It's been six days since they put my beautiful embabies back in where they belong. Six days of wondering, guessing, hoping, praying, and dreaming that they are starting their life in me. Last Saturday, I felt what could of been described as Implantation cramping. It lasted for about 5 minutes and went away. Later that night, I had a second cramp that last about 2 minutes. I remember them because they hurt. It felt like someone was pinching the area of my uterus really really hard. I've had brown spotting. All normal signs that I am about to become what I've wanted to be for so long..pregnant.

Yesterday at work, I decided to help one of my Toddlers by lifting her. She just happens to be a pretty big girl and I felt my lower pelvic area give a cramp. It eased after a few seconds and I didn't think anything of it. About ten minutes later I went to use the potty to find red on the toilet paper. Fear gripped me. I sat there thinking "Spotting is normal" and I started telling myself, "just sit here a minute longer and then wipe. So I did. More red. Not pink, not light but red and lots of it. I started to panic a little more. I thought I'd sit and try to relax. Took deep breaths then it dawned on me that I would of started my period today if I wasn't on the PIO shots. That really hit me hard. Then I wiped again and again...more red. It wasn't stopping.

I went into my classroom and I felt like I was going to suffocate in there. The walls closed in and all I could think was "I just spent 15,000 dollars on something that is over. I didn't even make it to beta day" . The tears started. I couldn't hold them back. My kids were outside playing and my assistant was with them. I went to the only private place in the building..My boss' office. I sat in the chair and she looked at me. I said "I'm bleeding. It's over" and started bawling. She gave me a pep talk and told me I should go home and cry and call the doctor because I wouldn't be any help to the children in the state I was in. Head bowed, I talked to my assistant and she gave me a hug and I went home. Called my dr and waited.

He called back and said that some bleeding is normal, I should take the day off tomorrow (today) and call him if the bleeding continues. My p4 was normal so there was no increase in PIO shots. I also had a therapy appointment last night. She said that I should take the time off and tell myself over and over that I'm pregnant. It's okay to spot.

I went home, used the restroom again, only to see nothing on the paper. Nothing. No brown, no pink, no nothing. I breathed a sigh of relief. I'm staying home today. I'm relaxing. Nothing to stress about. I'm okay. I'm still pregnant (if only in my mind) and I'm okay. The brown is back this morning but I'm okay.

Today is cycle day 26. I'm 6dp5dt. I am sooo poas this saturday!

I worry too much..

I thought when my work was done, I would relax. Although I'm not stressing the whole "Am I pregnant" thing, I just feel that everytime I use the bathroom and wipe, there will be blood. I panic everytime I use the bathroom. I have cramps that feel like menstrual cramps and it's my fear of this that I'm afraid of. I know whatever will happen will happen but Im just not ready for it to be over yet.

WE'RE DONE!

IVF is officially over. I have two wonderful embryos hopefully attaching themselves and things are going to go great. We have named them Jellybean, who was a stage blast, score was a 4 B, RE said it was excellent and we have Eggbert, who is a little behind schedule but still very special to us. Eggberts score was 2 C. Scores range from 1-6, 6 being the best in size and A-D, A being the best quality or something like that. So my job is over. Now it's up to them. I have been trying to help them along. Today I ate a fifth of a pineapple core because it's to help with implantation. It was awful but I ate it. I will eat it for four more days. My tongue was sore for about an hour. I also spent a lot of time laying on my couch today hoping they get all snuggly. The other thing is the freakin shots in the ass. My butt is really really starting to hurt. I'm starting to dread doing it but it has to be done. I plan on relaxing and doing as little as possible for the weekend and doing hardly nothing at work as well. Just kidding, but I plan on taking it easy until the pregnancy test. Only nine more days!

These are not my photos but to give a little visual. This is kind of what 'Eggbert' (Right) looked like. This one was darker in the middle and a lot smaller.

"Jellybean" (left) was bigger and looked almost clear with no dark spots at all. Again, these aren't mine. I didn't get any photos but I wanted to share something.

I was tagged...

I have been "tagged" by Schmoodle, here are the Rules: Once tagged, you must link to the person who tagged you. Then post the rules before your list, and list 8 random things about yourself. At the end of the post, you must tag and link to 8 other people, visit their sites, and leave a comment letting them know they’ve been tagged.

1. I met my husband on Yahoo.com while sitting in the computer room at my college 1100 miles away from him.
2. I don't care for chocolate.
3. I am terrified, and I mean irrationally 'knock everyone and everything out of my way to get away', from spiders. Doesn't matter how big or invisible, if it resembles, I'm gone.
4. I have the biggest crush on David Boreanez (Angel, Sealy Booth).
5. Most of my ancestors are Native American (a few different tribes) but my great great grandma was Ugaslovian.
6. My favorite movie of all time is "Gone With the Wind" .
7. I would have cheesecake for dinner everyday if I wouldn't gain any weight.
8. All the organs on my right side that I don't need for life have been removed. Ovary, Fallopian tube, appendix and gallbladder.

I am tagging: BabyGodot, Kim, Jody, Rachel, T-Girl, Epphd, Winks, Tarah.

Here are my eight. I'm really hoping the links worked. I had to teach myself how to do it.

Lots and Lots of trips...

I had to pee every freakin' hour last night. If I tried to ignore it, I would get all crampy. Good news? I lost 5 pounds of water weight in my sleep. This morning I woke up and I've lost 5 of the 6 pounds of water weight (thats what the good RE told me it was) that I've gained since starting this cycle of IVF.

I'm going to work today and I'm kind of looking foward to it. I am working tomorrow and Wednesday then I am taking the rest of the week off. This Friday is my mom's birthday, Sat is my friends then on Monday I get my blood test for the progesterone, then I'm going away the next weekend, then it will be the 19th. The Big Blood Test! Seems I will be able to keep my mind busy for the next week and a half. I know the blood test will only help, but I won't be comfortable unti after an 8 week scan.

So far, my embabies are tucked away in a lab in Paramus and should be sleeping :) I haven't gotten any word that they stopped growing and I really hope it doesn't come. We want them to all survive. I know all I need is One and I want two, but wouldn't it be nice if they all made it?

I just need to add that without God, none of this would be possible. Praise the Lord for all the good he has done so far. I know in my heart that this is possibly it for me. I will be a mommy when this is over and if it isn't there is another reason....

Over The Moon...

I am so happy. We had 5 eggs and although I had great fear that it wasn't enough, it was. 4 of our eggies have fertilized. I have 4 embryos in the making. I feel bad for the 5th but I have 4. 4 out of 5 is an awesome ratio. My God is awesome and he's accomplished something I was losing hope of ever having. I try to think positive but things are just so hard for me. Praise be to God for my 4 wonderful fertilized eggs.

Egg Transfer is on Friday, which is my mothers birthday. That makes it extra special.

We have eggies!!

Okay if nothing else happens, I made 5 eggs. They were able to retrieve 5 and I am beyond happy with that. I was so worried there would be follicles with no eggs. Tomorrow I will find out more.

The entire was procedure was amazing. I was put to sleep but the time the anethesiologist and the RE spent with me was assuring and comforting. My RE stayed in eye sight the whole time :). When I woke up, he was right there. I liked that he went right outside and informed my husband that he had gotten 5 and that I was recovering. It was just wonderful.

So now I'm sitting at home, getting ready to go to bed again. I'm extremely sore and taking tomorrow off. All is good.

Today is the day!

Of course my ER would happen on the day we set our clocks back. I went to bed at 10, which was really 9 and woke up at 6 which was really 7 and 7 is when I need to be up to get ready for my day. I am leaving at 8:15 but it's even longer now because we had to set the clocks back.

My back is still uncomfortable. I didn't sleep very well and I was tossing and turning all night. It is amazing for me that I have actually gotten to this point in my life and I am so happy to be there even though I complain a lot. I haven't been that moody this weekend. Friday I was but that was stress. I'm thirsty but there is nothing I can do about it being that the rule is "no food or drink after midnight" geez i'm not a gremlin...j/k.

The thought are running through my head "Is it going to work" "Are there going to be enough eggs" "Are they going to be good enough" " Are they going to mature" "Am I going to make it to ET" ???????????

I will find out today. I will post when I get up but I'm not sure when that will be. It's 45 minutes until i get up and get ready so I guess I'll find a way to occupy myself.

just an update of sorts

This is a photo from the magazine "New Jersey Monthly". My RE (fertility doctor) is the young one on the left. He was in the "108 Award winning physcians". He is a very good doctor and has showed patience when I've yelled at him, cried at him and even questioned his motives. Even when he called me at work and told me that he had to cancel my first IVF because of lack of response, I said "IUI isn't going to work so why bother" and hung up on him, only to call him back and schedule it a few hours later. But he was very nice to me when he saw me again. He even explained that he used to much Lupron, although he used the recommended amount for a woman with PCOS and explained that he would use less the next time.

Moving on, I am so uncomfortable. I am bloated, I feel like my bladder is filled to busting and when I try to go, I don't have to go. My back is aching and I'm tired. It hurts to sit, too tired to stand, just miserable. Thank God I only have the one ovary. Could you imagine if I had two?

IVF hasn't been a pleasent expierence so i'm glad it's coming to an end. My ET is set up for either Wed or Fri but we are thinking and hoping for Fri. We'll know on Monday when it's going to be.

Sore...

I feel so sore today. I'm a bit bloated and I feel full. I know it's the ovary getting larger but it's still uncomfortable.

We went for the ER consultation and she explained the procedure.

• Took HCG shot at midnight 11/3 (usually 11, but hour change this weekend). Check.
• Went in for Bloodwork to confirm enough of shot has been absorbed. Check.
• No food after midnight tonight.
• Return to RE tomorrow morning at 9 to meet with anethesiologist.
• ER will be at 10:00 am, preformed by MY RE. Yay.
• When I wake up, they'll let me know how many eggs they got.
• Hubby will have to give a great sample.

Okay. So we're good to go. I'm pretty happy. They want me to relax and take it easy. I can't drive until noon on monday. I won't be going to work.

This morning, I picked up a copy of "New Jersey" magazine and the cover said "Top Doctors" and on the cover was my RE!!! I couldn't believe it.

Wow

Is this what it feel slike to know I've done all this for a reason this time? My ER is offically on Sunday! I have to do my last shot tonight at midnight and go back into the doctors at 8 am. My ER is Sunday at 10.

Happy November...

Went in for more monitoring this morning. RE said that the intramuscular shot worked and the follies were growing again. He wants me to do one more day of stims and then come back in tomorrow morning. Lets hope the ER is Sunday. I really really want it to be.

This morning as my doc was measuring my follies I said "You know, It only takes one good egg." He smiled and replied "Not for IVF." lol, ok.

It's November. Only eight weeks left of 2007. I'd really really like to be pregnant before 2008.

bad day

Happy Halloween all.

Today I went to the doctor. Not good news. I only have 3 follies now and they seemed to of stopped growing. Blood test revelled that my E2 (estrogen) and FSH (follicle stimulating Hormone) was low. Too low for someone doing meds to raise both of them. My body is not absorbing the meds!!! Of all the things that could go wrong! I am upset, but they have a plan and so far, ER is still Sat. Please pray for me.

"Lookin' Good"

Things are on the up! Not that they have ever been down cycle. Everything has been going wonderfully. Had another ultrasound and bloodwork today and I have to go again tomorrow. He said it looks like a Saturday ER and we are starting everyday doctor visits.

I finished my costume tonight. It's wierd looking but I don't think the toddlers will notice. I'm a bumblebee! I painted yellow stripes to a black shirt, wearing black pants and I have wings and antennaes.

Work is okay, although I wish I didn't have to go. My new maybe assistant showed up today. Her name is Lily, so I wonder if she's going to be with me or not. We'll see.

Last night I had a bit of a breakdown. Started crying that I could no longer do IVF. After this, I think I'm done. It's just too much. Maybe after a year (if this doesn't work) we'll rethink the situation, but I think after this, if we're still not pregnant, I quit. Being pregnant is something I want more than I want air, but I won't die if I don't have a baby and I have other options. My heart breaks when I say this to myself, but it's true. I'm already in therapy for this crap, what else can I do to myself.

Things are going..

My RE called me at work to tell me I have a UTI and that I need to start antibiotics. I was thinking something was wrong but wasn't thinking that. I thought I had slept wrong and messed up my back cause it was hurting but didn't think that. It's no big deal though.

Tomorrow is another doc appointment. I will get up at 530, leave at 630 drive half an hour to my docs and then drive the 40 min to work. My work day begins at 8 and ends at 5. Tomorrow I will be tired but I hope that it brings more good news.

Tonight, after getting my stim shot, I started crying. I don't think I can do this again. In fact, I know I don't want to do this again. I've been trying for 3 years and 6 months. That's a long time. I've done 2 IUI's and 3 attempts at IVF. I've spent so much money and if this doesn't work, and lets be realistic, it may not, then we are done. We'll relax with what we have and wait to see where are road takes us.

I'm going to bed. I need sleep.

Just amazing!!!

I went for my follie check this morning. Excellent news!! We wanted 11-12 mm and we got 13mm!!!! I have 7 large lead follies that measure 13 and about 10 that measure a bit smaller. They''ll be growing about 1mm a day from here on out and he is scheduling ER (egg retrieval). It will probably be Friday or Saturday. Last time they couldn't schedule a day because they weren't growing but they are now! I am sooo happy about this. I'm a little worried about starting the progesterone shots but it has to be done. If Friday is the ER day then ET days will be wednesday or Thursday and if it's Sat, then it will be Thursday or Friday. I can't believe its almost time!

Crap

Well we changed our plans for tonight because the last show was too late to drive to PA for so bummer. Then we decided to visit some houses but they were closed as well. Crap.

We went to see "Nightmare Before Christmas" and ate at PF Changs. It was good.

Now I'm worried about tomorrows ultrasound. He said he wanted to see them at 11-12 mm. I'm worried that they won't get there. The last time, they didn't. Only three broke away to grow and it was very slow. After 11 days of stims, three were about 18 mm and was not enough to continue. So we'll see what tomorrow brings. I'll update when I get home.

Night all...

Tomorrow..

Tomorrow I go in and see how big my follicles are getting. I'm really excited about this. He said he hopes that they are between 11 and 12 mm. I'm good with that. My side has been pinchy and I'm a little tired but unsure if my sleepiness is because I woke up early or the meds. I'm guessing its because I woke up early.

Tonight I'm going to eastern state pen. The day has arrived and i'm super excited. Not so much excited to get home around 2 and back up at 7 to go to the dr, but i'll survive. Also tomorrow, I have to get my costume completed. I decided to make mine instead of buy it basically becaue i'm not sure when ER is and if it falls on wednesday, which i doubt it will, i won't be out 50 bucks.

Ive been told today that i'm fiesty. LOL. Hows that for a mood. I think it's funny.

Overwhelmed much?

The photo to the side of this is my nightly dose. It's 4 vials of Bravelle and 2 vials of Menopur and the sterile water to mix it with. When I look at it, it's a little overwhelming but I did the injection already so I know it's over. For tonight.

I'm feeling pretty good today. It's probably because it's FRIDAY!!! I've been in a pretty good mood. My side has been a bit pinchy but that's a good sign. Means lots of follicles getting bigger.

On the home front, things are pretty good. Nothing really to complain about. For once.

My weekend is all planned out and it's going to be a busy one. I am going to the haunted Eastern State Penitentary on Sat night and I have a doctors appointment Sunday morning. My hubby is going to that one so it'll be even more the better.

WE have follicles...

I have a bunch of follicles at 10 mm! That's right where I should be. That makes me happy. We go back in Sunday morning and they should be about 12 mm. Once they hit 12 mm they grow about 1 mm a day! I need them to be about 18-20. And he said I needed 6.

I'm sooooo cranky. Almost a mean cranky.

and yes, they were fat free...

k'dok. Tomorrow is a big day for me. We get to see what's happening in my ovary tomorrow.

I have my ultrasound at 7 am. They'll also go and do a blood test to check myE2 levels. They can't get to high or I'll over stimulate and that would be bad. I just want to see how many follies I have growing. I need 5 mature. 8-10 would be great, but i'm going to shoot for 5. 5 means they won't cancel.

Had a visit with my shrink. She helps with this whole process. I don't feel as depressed as I used to but I still feel it with me. Most days I'm happier in general.

Until tomorrow
....

I just wanna...

I just wanna cut the top of my head off. Just the part that is hurting. Just the part that started hurting last night and has continued steadily through the day. Just that part.

Holy Headaches!! I am feeling way more than I felt the last two times. My friend at work says maybe thats the reason it's going to work this time. I swear I am so moody. I just want to tell everyone that even slighty bothers me to F*ck OFF!! Seriously. Also, the area below my belly button is so freakin' sore from getting stabbed every freakin morning and night. I know I'm whinning. Ask me if I care? So tonight is night 2 of stims. I do another tomorrow night and then Thursday they'll tell me how many I got growing. If I make it through this without killing someone, it'll be a miracle. I just sooooo cranky. I yelled at my husband for buying the crappy kind of junk food. You know, the 'lightly salted' chips and the 'fat free' pretzels..What the hell and I supposed to do with those? I'll just eat my dried apricots.

K. Head still hurts. Think I'll lay down.

We offically start tonight

Tonight starts IVF #3. We will be doing 4 vials of bravelle and 2 vials of menopur. We go back for a follie check and he will adjust my meds. I'm much relieved after this news. I know I'm there and I'm ready.

Cycle day 2

Okay. I know this is for a good cause and I'm doing it for a really good reason, but the side effects are just awful. This morning, around 3 (I'd been sleeping for about 2 hours) I woke up with an open mouth silently screaming. Another nightmare. I seem to have one every night. Last night I stubbled upon and lake and under the water were family members, eyes open reaching for me. They were dead. I opened my mouth to scream but nothing came out. I stood there and tried for what seemed like hours. When I woke, I was laying there opened mouth, tearing, shaking and feeling sick. I'm not sure if it's the Lupron or just something hormonal going on but I don't like it. I did not feel like this the last 2 times.

I've also been having a dull ache in my left side. Last time, that meant a cyst. I'm afraid that they will find one tomorrow. I am really trying to relax and I'm sure after tomorrow I'll be able to. I'm waiting for the docs office to call and schdule that this morning.

In a vain attempt to do something normal, my husband and I and the in-laws are going to breakfast this morning. It's nice to do a family get together. I wish I could bring my parents along but they live far. I miss my home, too. I'm sure this depression thing isn't helping but I'm still seeing my therapist, who is really really helping me.

The doc called and I'm in for tomorrow! I have my meds and they are going to go over them and make sure I have all of the things I need to start. I have some of it because I received it before my cycle was cancelled in July. I just need more this time.

It has arrived..

Cycle Day 1 has arrived. Monday I will be doing my bloodwork and ultrasound. I'm nervous.

I've made up with my husband. I went to his job and we had a quiet lunch together, and I walked back to the house feeling pretty good. Last night I told him I hated him and didn't want to be married to him anymore and that I wanted to go back to Missouri and live there. Hormones, gotta love 'em. He took it in stride and although I know it hurt his feelings, he said he loved me and wanted to still be married to me, rubbed my back and was nice to me. Nice! Why? I guess he loves me. :) yay!

I've been crying a lot. The hormones are kicking my ass. When I'm not crying, I want to. Is it all worth it?

I think we are getting close to Cycle Day (CD) 1. CD 1 is when I get excited. I get to call the doctor and make an appointment for CD 3. CD 3, is where my dream ended in July. July, I go into to the docs office and lay on the table for the ultrasound. I tell him how my meds are ready and we are ready to do it again. CD 3 was when he turned the monitor towards me and had me look at a very large dark shadow where my ovary should of been and tells me that it's full of blood, there is no follicles (eggs) in sight and that we can not continue with the cycle. IVF #2, cancelled. Just like IVF #1, when I got in, all excited to see my eggs growing and he tells me there are only 3, not enough to continue and cancelled it. Now we are approaching CD 3, I've been doing shots for 9 days now.

I don't know why, but I'm kind of afraid to talk about it. People know I'm doing it, but when it comes to talking about it, I can't. I've always been very open about it but this month I can't. I'm afraid to open up and share the good news. Back in May, I wanted to tell everyone "I have 20 follicles growing!! I'm doing a great job!" but apparently I wasn't because it was cancelled because all but 3 decided to stop growing.

Monday or Tuesday I'll go in for my bloodwork and ultrasound and we'll see what comes of it.

I've been wanting to go to eastern state Pen for a long time and I finally may get to go but tickets are 30 per person and that's a lot. We'll see.

IVF update..

I love this picture. Had to add it to my blog today. Tonight is my first night birth control free. I am still doing the lupron and will continue for a few more weeks. I've lost a pound making my lupron weight gain only 3 pounds. The nightmares have stopped, thank goodness. I was wondering if they would. I usually get them when I'm starting a new cycle but I'm still a week away from that.
I'm excited to start but I'm afraid. I'm afraid to death that it will be cancelled before I get to try and I'm also afraid that I'll try and then it will be cancelled. All in all, I'm afraid it will be cancelled. I don't know what I will do if I make it to ER and then find out that I have embryo's. I can imagine it will be amazing and I'll be happy but then when we move into ET, I'll be nervous that the embryo's won't be able to find a comfy spot and settle in for the next 9 months. I find myself getting overwhelmed just thinking about it. Monday should be my first blood test.

Lets move on to another subject. Work. Work is good. Kids are good. I've been working long hours. 7:15 to 5. I've been sleepy.

La De Da...

(This is a picture of the IVF meds. The little white box on top is the med I am taking now.)

We went Apple picking today! It was fun and we had a blast. We picked 14 pounds of apples and bought a peach pie (which was delicious!)

I took my fourth injection of Lupron today. I've only gained the one pound and it seems I've lost half of it, but after the peach pie, we'll see.

I got my costume. I'm going to be a bumble bee. I bought this cute little hunny pot purse to carry with my costume and the best part? I'll match the border around my classroom. LOL. The borders around my 'Hundred Acre Wood' are bumble bees carrying honey sacks. I know, that's gay LOL.

Okay...

So IVF has officially started! I do Lupron every morning at 7. So far I have a lot of headaches . My moods very from slighty happy to slighty upset but I haven't gone psyco yet. I have gained a pound which brings my total from 20 pounds lost to 19, but if it works, i'll probably gain a lot more than that.

Work is going extremely well. The kids are great. Not as great as my last bunch but great.

In just two days!

In two more days My IVF #3 cycle will offically start. I am so happy. Better yet, I had instucted myself to lose 15 pounds before my IVF cycle. Well much to my excitement, I've lost 18!!! I plan to continue my diet until I am pregnant.

Work is good.

Life is good.

It's IVF Time baby!!!

On Thursday we will starting our third attempt at IVF. My journey to motherhood will now begin again. We are starting with the lupron, 10 iu. I finally stop the bcp's on the 17th. I can't believe it's so close.

I'm getting over a stomach virus. Other than that, everything is the same.

Work is going much better. I like the kids. I haven't seen them much in the last week but they are getting better.

I guess it's going to get better..

I have to say it. To my surprise, it is getting much better. I speak of work, of course. I didn't think I was going to care much for this class but I'm not sure if it's my infertility or just the fact that I like kids, but I find myself drawn to them and caring for them. I love their hugs and the way it makes me feel. They are cute in their own little ways. Sure, they give me a lot of trouble, including he who remains nameless. But even he has decided that I'm the teacher and he should listen.

My IVF cycle is almost here. Nine more days!! I'm excited to finally get started. It's been 3 years and 6 months since my hubby and I said "Let's have a baby!" Well we are still saying it.

One thing I have to write about is the couple that forgot about their baby in the car. HOw in the hell do you forget about your child?! i don't get it. It doesn't make sense.

It's been a few since I last was here...

Things are still extremely stressful at work and I've been thinking and going over in my head that maybe my job is to stressful for IVF. I know I should ask for a leave but knowing my boss, she's laugh at me and tell me no. Then where would I be? I'm just going to have to hand it to God and let him do as he sees fit. That's the best thing to do. So. That's that.

I start my third IVF try in 13 days!!! I've got the birth control and the lurpon. I start the birth control tonight and the lupron on Oct 10th. Really excited for it to be underway.

Everything else is good. I've been sleepy a lot because I'm drained from work and I did a little babysitting and working overtime. I'm just tired. I'm tired right now and I just woke up. Saturday I plan on sleeping like a baby and not getting up until noon. Right. We'll see if that works, since I'm the kind of sleeper that if the sun is down, i'm down. When it comes up, I get up. I should change that.

Okay things are calming down..

I am getting more into the routine and getting used to different classroom, different kids and it's going better. There's a little boy i'll nickname satan spawn, j/k, i'll leave him nameless, that I assumed would never every in a million years act right. Well to my astonishment, he's taking very well to me and is, with a little more attention and coaxing, listening better. I have a few more hitters this year than last year but less than the year before that and I have two biters. Biters take way more energy because you have to be on top of them constantly.

On to IVF stuff!! Less than four weeks until I start my third round of IVF!!!!! I am so happy! I feel like I may have a real shot this time. I don't have any pain from the ovary, so I'm hoping that the cyst has completely disappeared, leaving tons of room to grow some eggies. I'm feeling pretty good, except for the stomach eating ulcer that work has formed but you can't cancel IVF for that! I'm just so happy to be in a count down...Oct 10 here i come!

I haven't lost any weight this week..it's been 5 days and not a pound. My therapist has told me that I need to stop my "now or never" outlook on life.. Guess we should start with weight loss. The "slowly but surely way" isn't working for me though.

I had a training hours this morning from 7:15-12:00. Geez, I've been doing this job for almost 9 years and I'm still training for it. I swear "Early Childhood Educators" should get paid A LOT more for all the crap that we have to deal with. Sorry, I'm not being fair. Other people work hard and are underpaid but today I had to listen to the speaker compare my job to the job of a dr. He kept saying that it's the same thing!!! HA! If what I do is just as important (which I truly believe it is) as a dr, then why is this profession the lowest paying one? Most people make less than a McDonald's employee!

Alright. I've had my vents for the day. One day this will go back to my IVF journal :) Very soon !

It's been..

a horrific week and a half. I'm not happy about my classroom or the children in it. Some are okay but most of them are disrespectful and spoiled. The other ones cry all day. I know I feel this at the beginning every year, but this year seems worse. I just want to have a baby already.

For the weight journal, I'm down 14 pounds (since feb) !! I stepped on the scale and saw that 3 more pounds have melted (I gained a few during my trip to Atlantic City) and I almost fainted with excitement. Yay!!

I've been having some annoying twitching in my face and other muscles. I think it's from stress. I tried to diagnose myself on web md but all they have are bells palsy and seisures. I know I don' t have either of those.

Well I'm off to work. This sucks.. Why do I do this???

Had a great time..

In Atlantic City!!! We left friday morning and arrived at 10 am. We checked in to the "Super 8 Motel" yeah :(. It wasn't that great. The bed curved inward in the middle, it was small and there were webs in the drawers. Guess making reservations online wasn't such a great idea. Next time, more research. All though we did get names of nice hotels in the area, so now we know. We went to the casino's, played and played, walked the beach, ate at the buffet in the showboat. It was so good. Saturday we wanted to go swimming, so we went to the beach, set up our stuff but it was soooo windy. Sand was being blown in our faces, the water was so rough. Not to mention it was cold because it was windy. We decided that swimming wasn't going to happen, so we left. We drove around the nice town we stayed in, did some window shopping and had lunch at this food court in the Pier Mall. A mall on the water. How grand :). After walking the boardwalk again, we went back to our hotel and got ready for dinner.

Our dinner reservations were for 8:30 pm. That was the earliest we got. It was called "Casa de Napoli" and it was sooooooo good. I had chicken parm and he had chicken ravioli with alfredo sauce. We played a bit more in the casino and then about midnight, we headed back to our room. Here comes the trouble.

We arrive a little after midnight and our key card isn't working. So here we are, standing outside, late, in a strange place, next to the woods and we can't get into our room. I walk up to where the guy is supposed to be at and the door is locked and there's a sign on the desk that says "Be back in a few minutes". What!!!! So after pounding, knocking and ringing the bell, I give up and walk back to where my hubby is standing. After few minutes, I really get upset. I have to pee. So I walk back and start my banging again. I know nobody has entered the building but someone has to see me..right? Well a loud buzzer sounds and I turn the knob. As i walk in, a man bounces up from behind the desk. "May I help you" he says with a smile.

Well after another half hour, he finally gets us into our room. We pass out.

Sunday 9:00 am, someone starts pounding on the door. Never mind the "Do Not Disturb" sign on the door. I yell "Sleeping!!" What's the natural thing to do? Walk in. Yeah. The maid let herself in. Check out is not until Noon!! So I yell at her. We're in bed. Thankfully dressed, but still I don't want her in my room. Because I had put the chain on, she didn't get far and left. Nice.

We checked out about an hour later. Why bother going back to sleep. We will never stay there again. Comment card filled out...check!

So we went back to beach..so warm! It was wonderful. We played in the casino, had lunch in a very nice place in the mall called "The Continental" mmmmm..

Okay so to wrap it up, we left with 250 $$ in our pocket, we only used debit at two resturants and left with 95 $$. Not bad for three full days of fun! I've gained only 3 pounds, but hey it was bound to happen.

School starts tomorrow. I get to meet a whole other bunch of children, ready to torture me for the next year :) j/k. I'm excited but nervous. I always am because they cry alot. I'm always excited about getting into september because October comes then and then I can start my IVF cycle again. Then this blog will be back to me talking about that.

Hell Week..

I feel like that is what I have been in one. Monday I worked 11 1/2 hours and tuesday I worked 11!!!! Today I left after 8 because I was just to tired to continue. I've been file cabinets, computer tables, scrubbed outside floors, picnic tables, dragged hoses around, washed window, moved furniture and the list goes on and on. It's called maintenance week and it's basically the week we kick all the kids out and clean the school from top to bottom. This year, however, is harder because they moved teachers around. I'm still Toddlers, but I'm in a smaller room, which is driving me crazy so I had to move all of my toys and furniture into another room. I'm exhausted and I'm still not done. Theonly thing I'm looking forward to is tomorrow afternoon when I am officially on vacation!!!!!! We are heading to Atlantic City to enjoy the beach by day, the resturants and the casino's at night! I can't wait.

September is almost there. That means that Oct 10 is coming a lot closer. Oct 10 is the day I start IVF#3!

Okay, well I need a shower and a bed.

The one day...

I take out to go splurge and I mean splurge on myself I wake up with awful cramps and the need to run to the bathroom every 5 minutes. I also have a stuffy nose and an annoying cough. I feel miserable. I really want to go shopping today. Tomorrow the store I want to go to is closed and all next week I'm busy putting my classroom together for the new year. I think I'm going to suck it up and go. Why not?

Yesterday I said bye to all my kids. I'm going to miss that class. They were really really great. I know who I'm getting next year but not officially. How can I not know who I'm getting this year. .

I think the pamprin is kickin in so I'm going shopping!!

Today ..

Is the next to the last day with the children I've been with for a year. Ack! We are having two days of parties and fun!!
I went to my therapy last night and we talked about approval of one another blah blah. I don't need people's approval. Then we talked about being a perfectionist and how I may not fit into the approval seeking area but definately into the "World should be perfect and if it's not, I'll make it that way" area. I never thought of myself as a perfectionist but when I think about it, I do try to make everything out to be "the way it should be" Should is a word I am not supposed to using because it raises my anxiety. I basically see everyone as "Good" . When they do bad things, it throws me off because that is not the way It should be..ahh that word again. Like I should be a mother now because it's been three and a half years!! So now I'm dealing with the fact that I'm not supposed to be a perfectionist and if I want to feel better, I can't be that way anymore. I just learned this last night. Well...I can't change over night.
In work news, I just found out who my new assistants are going to be this year. One is a woman of 37 who has worked with children for over 10 years..she is so great with them and the other is about 21 and had expierence in a center working with infants, but she's very nice. I think this year will go well. I will have the pleasure of yet again working 830-530 mon - fri. Yay. I really want her to change my hours, but she won't. She keeps saying all lead teachers must work those hours. Well out of nine, only four actually do. Funny. Well I'm goin to be late for work.
In dieting news, writing down what I eat..not happening. I tried, didn't work. I've lost another pound though, making the total 13!! Yay.
Anyone reading...Have a wonderful day!!!!

A prayer that touched me...

Lord, help me to know that You are enough. Take my eyes off of myself. Take my eyes off of the child I desire. Help me to delight myself in You. Mold the desires of my heart to be in line with Your will. I don't want to need to be a mother more than I need to be your humble, obedient child. I don't want wanting to have a baby to be a stumbling block between You and me anymore.Lord, I want to give this desire, this drive, this ache up to You. Help me not to snatch it back as I so often do with the burdens I place in Your hands. Help me to be truly content with Your will and Your timing.Lord, You know that I still desire a baby - someone to mold, teach, train, shape, guide, and help to grow in You. But until the day You give me that joyous blessing, help me to grow in You. Let me reach out to those around me. Let me witness and minister to the children You place in my path.Lord, if adoption is the path You would have us take, prepare our hearts, and prepare the child who will share our home. If adoption is not Your will for our lives, keep me from pushing ahead of Your plan. Help me to stay submitted to my husband's will, and to Your will. If we are headed in the wrong direction, change our hearts.Thank You for lifting my burden. Help me to keep You first! Let me seek Your face daily, and let me know that You are enough!

I didn't write this..I read it on beliefnet.com. There were a few prayers on there that touched me but I liked this one. I find myself questioning my faith and wondering if it's strong. I am trying to rebuild my faith and make it strong again and put the pain and suffering I have felt over this infertility in the past.

Weekends can destroy your diet...

This weekend was a very fullfilling one :). It's not that I ate a lot but I did. We went to a buffet last night and ate beef, chicken, pork and fruit along with rice, black beans and salad. Today I had an omelet w/ 2 eggs, cheese and canadian bacon and for lunch I had half of a pulled pork sandwich. For dinner I had roast with potatos and string beans. For snack I had a tablespoon of peanut butter, a banana and a glass of milk. There's my diet info. In case your wondering, I posted before that they say if you write down what you eat, you'll eat less. I'm testing it out.
Monday marks the last week with my kids. I've been with these children since Sept 5th. I'm going to miss them. It's been nice watching them grow and learn. I was able to potty train most of them. They were a really good class. Individually they were a handful but as a class they were cooperative and easy going. My new class is coming in next Tuesday and I can only hope for the best.
This will be my third year as a lead teacher in the Toddler Program and I think I'm learning a lot from them. I felt the first year was chaos because I had never lead a Toddler Program before so the year was not a good one. Lots of headaches and time outs. However, I did learn and I used what I learned to lead a very successful year. Now I can take what I learned from the last two years, apply what works and what stop what didn't and this year can only be better.
I went into the tinytot rooms to view my future kids and they seem to be good kids. But every teacher disagrees with the way the other does things. I listen to their present teachers complain about this one or that one and I ignore it because I do things differently and they might act differently for me, therefore, I don't get a preconcieved idea of how they are going to act.
On the fertility, or lack there of, side of things, I'm still waiting for Oct 10th to come along. Not much to update on. It's going to be a long wait.

I have a goal...

I know this is my infertility blog but I'm on a break so I need something else to talk about. Okay. My goal is to lose 15 pounds before my stim meds start on October 20th. I will still be overweight, but how much can an person lose in two months. So I'm shooting for 15 pounds. I always heard if you write down what you eat, you won't eat as much. So we are going to try that. Although I don't eat much now and have already lost 12 pounds since feb/mar. So it will be 27 pounds lost in Oct and that's not to bad, I think. I did start weight watchers but I didn't finish it.
On a different note, My neighbor, who lives across the street, has an adorable little girl. I watch them from my office desk go in and out of their home. Sound creepy? It probably is. I'm so jealous sometimes. I don't mean to sin (the jealousy, not the stalkerish thing) but she has an adorable daughter, a cute dog, just moved into a nice, new, just built home and a nice husband. ( I like my husband just fine, I just had to add that in) and she gets to be a stay at home mom. She basically just takes her to the park (down the road) and goes shopping, walks the dog, etc.. Why can't I have that???
Well, that brings me to my next thought. "Life's Not Fair". My therapist made me say that to make myself believe it. For one..YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL A PERSON GOING THROUGH INFERTILITY that LIFES NOT FAIR. Trust me. We know. I tried to explain that to her but she kept saying "You need to let yourself know that lifes not fair and except it." How do you except that the drug addicted 16 year old homeless person can get pregnant and not myself. I know that good things happen to good people and good things happen to bad people, bad people get bad things and good people get good things. I know the world doesn't owe me a baby but it would be nice to have the ability to chose to have one and chose when and around the part of the year. Not due 9 months from whenever they put the embryo's back in.
Well I guess I should end this....for breakfast I had 1 cup of grapes, a banana and ACK! half a donut. In my defense they were there but I only ate half. Tonight is not looking good. We are going to the brazillion bbq. Where they feed you endlessly for 30$ Good thing my stomach doesn't hold that much.

Life...

Is to frustrating. And it's not fair. So I've been seeing this therapist who tells me that 'life's not fair'. I laughed. You don't really need to say that to someone going through infertility. We know. We see it everyday. She also said that just because we are good people, doesn't mean we deserve good things. Yeah...I know that too. WE all know the kind of people that good things happen too. I mean good things happen to me, as well, but bad things happen as well. Things I feel I don't deserve. Today was a good day. I was happy and jolly and talked a lot. I hope tomorrow is a another good day. I don't like the dark days where I want to cry a lot and scream and not talk to anybody. On a great note, I've lost 12 pounds since my first post. I know it's not much but's a lot for me.

Today was...

I don't know how to say it. Finally a day that has nothing to do with infertility, just life. First off, I really hate my job. I love the kids but that's it. I don't care for the people I work with anymore. After my assistant walked out, which everyone is blaming me for, my employer treats me like a disease. I was not responsible for her walking out. I had nothing to do with it. She was whining about the place for awhile and complaining. She never said 'hi' to me when she walked in the room and she called the kids bad. Anyway, not my problem. But now the nurse is mad at me because she wants to be referred to as adminstration and she's not. She's the damn school nurse. She doesn't make any decisions and the last time I made the mistake, and assumed she was, I got a long letter from my boss explaining to me that she was the nurse, not adminstration. So I basically spend all day in my room, 9 hours in my room, by myself. Basically doing everything. I don't care. At least I know it's getting done. The new school year is starting soon and I am changing rooms. Staying with Toddlers, just changing rooms. I'm looking foward to the change. It will be nice. I'm also having a different morning assistant. I've had my current assistant (morning one, not the one that quit) for 3 years now and getting a new one might be a fresh change. Her name is Kim. I'm excited to meet her. She knows how to run a classroom and has been doing this for awhile. Good news, she knows how to change diapers quickly and clean up after children and get their attentions. It should be a great help to me. I'm just worried about a new afternoon assistant. I always get these young girls who know nothing and are there for a paycheck. They don't help. They are just in the way.

As I sit here thinking..

I think about all the great things I've been given. I think about the doors that have opened to get me to IVF successfully. Money, for one, was going to be a big issue, or so I thought it was. It turned out, though, that it wasn't. My next fear was the meds. They were so much and the insurance company told me that nothing involving IVF was covered. Meds added more money but when I tried to fill them, the pharmacy was stopped by the insurance company and the insurance company paid them. I had a 50$ copay. Everything seemed to be working in my favor and I believe the Lord was in front of my opening the doors for me to walk through. I was really meant to be a mother. Right? If everything to set me up for IVF worked, why then was the cycle cancelled? Twice? My faith is taking a severe beating. I know it is and it's been really hard to just except that it wasn't the right time. I know I'm not a patient person and maybe HE knew that if he didn't open up any doors until the time was right, I would of been miserable. I have hope upon hope and I pray to God my Lord and Savior, the October is the right time for me. I wish we were all given little books into our lifes. It doesn't have to be a glimpse, just a little sidenote or something. Well those are my thoughts for the morning.

This evening I went to

Target. I always look through the baby stuff but today I didn't. I couldn't bring myself to do it. I did check out an outift that was adorable but it was in the walkway so I couldn't miss it. I went to dinner with a friend tonite and another was supposed to show up, but didn't. Why does this person continually not show up to places I invite her too. The only thing I can say is, maybe she's not a friend. Maybe I'm blind to how this person really is and maybe I don't need to bother with this person again. I had a great night with my hubby and friend so It didn't really matter anyway.

Update...it's been long between post.

Ok. So. Where do we begin. Since my last blog, things have not been going so well. My IVF cycle was cancelled the day we were supposed to be scheduling my egg retrievel because there were only 3 mature eggs. I wanted to scream at him "I only have one ovary, how many do you want" but before I could, he said "you need to have eight." Well. So we go and do a stupid procedure called IUI or artificial insemination. Now, I've already had this done a few numbers of times and guess what? They don't work. So we did and BFN. Now we wait. The end of July comes around and it's time to start again. I start the injections and at my first ultrasound what do they find? A huge grapefruit where my ovary should be. Yes, It's a cyst. IVF #2, cancelled. WTF? So now i'm on another break until October. Sheesh. In good news, I can now start the school year without needles and doctor's appointments. My mind should be on lesson planning anyway.

Grow follies Grow

Okay, So now we are getting into the good stuff. Bloodwork and ultrasound showed a great number of growing follicles. I still have to take those injections, which are starting to feel like acid under the skin. I feel like I have a giant water balloon in my side and I have had a headache for a week. But it's all okay!!! I have 13 follicles growing!!! I believe my egg retreival will be this weekend! I'm an so excited. I mean it's surgery, dont' get my wrong, I'm a little afriad to be put to sleep for 2-3 hours but the prospect of sleeping all day is kind of nice. I've been so tired since this whole thing started. I just can't believe that three years of trying to make a baby has come and gone and now that it is 3 years and one month..the trying to concieve battle is almost done. Well, must go get Lupron injection, get dressed for work and go walk my 2 miles....

The world of IVF

Okay so I went to the doctor yesterday and had my bloodwork and ultrasound. I was happy because they showed me some follicles that are ready to start producing eggs and I thought that was neat because who actually gets to see their babies in the making? So tonight I'm starting stim meds. Stim meds are injectables that get injected right below the belly button by..in my case..my hubby. I can't bring myself to do it. I still have to do an injection of Lupron, which keeps my own hormone levels down so they can stimulate them like they would a puppet. My egg retrieval is looking like May 20th!! and then 5 days after that, They'll put them back in. I know the percentages arent' high but God is on my side and with him, anything is possible. God has done so many things in my life to help me and I don't think he's sitting out on this one. He'll be with me every step of the way and If it doens't work, I know there's something else waiting for me. God IS Great!

Back from vacation..

I got back from vacation today and I have to say it..I had a blast! We had a rocky beginning with a flat tire in PA but after getting it fixed and a good night sleep, the rest continued beautifully. We arrived on schedule in Missouri on Thursday night, around 8. We went right to my grandmas so we could relax. On Friday, we went to the park with Luke and Austin (both 5) and had sonic burgers.mmmm. Friday night everyone came to see me. My 4 siblings and my nephew all came to see me. We hung out for hours just laughing and remembering old times. It was great. On Saturday, I went to see my mom. We hung out at her house then went to the bar. I sang Karoke! Can you believe that? Of course I was slightly intoxicated. :) On Sunday, when I woke up, we went and had family pictures done, ordered all of them and then I was off to Springfield to see my Dad. We went to dinner together on Sunday and watched Happy Feet. On Monday, we went shopping, had a late lunch at 'The Incredible Pizza Place' ate a ton of food and went to see a double A Cardinals game. It rained a bit, but we had a great time. My hubby was happy because the 2006 Championship trophy was there and he got to take a picture with it. On Tuesday we said our goodbye's to my dad and headed to Branson where we took a tour of the Titanic Mueseum. It was pretty neat. After that we headed home. On Wednesday, we hung out with my grandma and did nothing :) It was relaxing. On Thursday, my hubby, my sister and her boyfriend went with me to Ha Ha Tonka. That was exhausting but the sites were amazing. After eating at Taco Bell, we did some errands and went to my uncles for a Bar-be-que. After stuffing our faces with some really good food, we headed back to my grandmas for some relaxing time. On Friday, we went back to Springfield (about an hour away) and met up with my Dad again to go to Silver Dollar City. That was fun!! I haven't been on a roller coaster in years. I also got to ride the new "Swing" and it was terrifying, I wouldn't do it again, but I was awesome! After that we went to 'Ride the Ducks'. It is basically a bus that drives on land and floats on water. They take you on a tour of scenic Branson, Mo, then take you onto TableRock Lake. After all of this fun, I said my final goodbye to my dad, since i won't see him again until next year, got into my car and cried for a few minutes, then drove the hour back to my grandma's. Exhausted, I slept. The next morning, Sat, my last day at home, I showered and got ready for my friend, Shelby's wedding. Ahh, She was so beautiful. Her wedding was modest but wonderful. She did an excellent job. After the I Do's and the food, I went to help my sister get ready for prom. Six hours later..I kid you not..She was ready and on her way. I went to the civic center to take her picture walking down the stairs and left. We stopped by Shelby's parents house, visited for a little bit then went back to my grandma's were we packed and loaded the car. AFter eating dinner and visiting with my grandma, I went to bed. That concludes my Vacation. I had so much fun!

Rain Rain and more Rain!

Today it rained and rained. WEll, it actually stopped but yesterday it rained and rained :) My work cancelled for the day, so i got the day off! So basically i sat around and did nothing. I went out to the pharmacy and picked up my bcp's and really nothing after that. I don't have much to write today.

Another Day!

Today was a pretty relaxing day. I didn't do much. A little cleaning, a little reading. Still having to do those awful breathing treatments. I hope they end soon. Tonight I went out to dinner with my hubby and I kept coughing. People were looking at me like I had some contagious disease. Don't they know it's rude to stare?
I'm very excited because we are going on vacation in three days! Going home to Missouri to spend a week and half doing whatever we wish. I hope to see the Titanic Museum in Branson and hiking through Ha Ha Tanka. I also can't wait to see my family. It's been so long.
When we get home, we start our IVF cycle. I really really hope it works. I want to be a mommy so bad. My hubby and I have been married for almost 4 years and I think it's time to add on to our family. Dealing with this infertility has been extremely hard for us but I see an end and it's beautiful!

My first blog! Yay!

So today is my first blog. Actually it's tonite. I will start by introducing myself for anyone may lurk, feel free to leave comments. My name is Tina and I was married on August 2, 2003. I have a wonderful husband. We have be trying to have a baby since April of 2004 with no luck. I'm actually starting IVF soon. I just found out today that meds that weren't supposed to be covered, are being covered. So basically i'm saving like 4000 dollars. That's a new wardrobe! They are mostly injectable medications that go either in my stomach, ACK! or better yet, in my butt! I'm looking foward to it though. Hopefully it will work and I will be blessed by God with the perfect gift. I do believe that God makes all things possible and without him, there would be nothing. We are going on vacation soon. Going to Missouri. My home! I can't wait to see my family. It's been a long year and I can't wait. I am currently doing weight watchers. I've lost 5 pounds! Yay! Slow but steady, right? For a living I'm an early childhood educator. Yes, that is my job title. I'm a lead teacher in a Toddler Program, responsibe for planning and making sure the planning is followed through. Along with the less glamourous wiping boogies, butts and whatever else gets dirty. It's a fantastic job, a little gross from time to time, but fantastic! Today my kids decided to mix together flannel pieces that i had spent an hour seperating. There had to of been like a trillion little pieces. When I walked over to see what they were doing i got a little ummm don't know the word but I was about to say something along the lines of "what have you done" when one of them looks at me and says "Surprise" I didn't know what to do. Turning away from them I started laughing. Well that is it for the day. Hopefully my future posts are interesting :) ~~tina~~